A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

Also I agree with this. I had DD at nearly 42 and have found plenty of mum friends, many of them older. I had an easy pregnancy and planned section and have no regrets about being an older mum.

Your relationship is likely to be over either way; if you terminate you will resent him and even if it means you stay together in the short term I doubt you’d be able to stay together long term. I would assume that you are on your own now either way, so the only question is whether you want to be on your own with or without a baby to raise.

Is there any counselling open to you? I read your previous thead. It's a complicated situation. I am sorry he didn't take it well.

Really sorry to hear about the treatment you are receiving there's no excuse however at his age it doesn't surprise me he's not excited or wanting to start over again how old did you say his daughter was? 38? Who wants that kind of age gap.

I think you need to find your anger. You didn’t do this by yourself and the way he is treating you is appalling. It’s not easy for you either. I would be having a VERY frank discussion about your feelings, needs and expectations- given they are just as important as his!

OP, do you want to have a child, or do you want your partner to want you to have a child together? They're different things.

Your partner clearly doesn't want to have a child with you (and is behaving appallingly - difficult to see what you find to love in him).

But do you as an individual actually want to bring up a child? And do you want to do that on your own?

I don't agree with posters saying that if you continue with the pregnancy things will 'work themselves out'. They may, but they may not.

I would terminate and end your relationship.

@Babybelle81

you DO NOT blame your self for this, as they say it takes two to tango, he is just as much responsible as, at your age, pregnancy is possible. If he didn’t want more kids he should have had a vasectomy or used condoms.

I think you need to really think here and take your time. I also think this is going to change your relationship whatever happens. You keep the baby, you may loose him, he may resent you, you terminate, you resent him for this one chance you now have of having kids and you, as you says are the one having to live with it, he just gets to carry on as you have done as he wants. Either way I don’t think your relationship will go back to what it was. Can you get some counselling to help you?

You say you no one nearby, could you move to be nearer family if you want the baby and he won’t support?

You need to decide what you want, take him and his wishes out of the equation

if you do stay with him he needs to get the snip and if he won’t, well that’s says a lot as well

OP what do you want ? If you want this baby then keep it . This will probably be your last chance of being a mother . You could terminate and then he could leave you anyway. If he didn't want anymore children then he should have got a vasectomy. Look after number one .

Why the hell didn’t the great lummox get a vasectomy if he didn’t want more children?
He already has grandchildren?
The chances of severe disability increase with parental age- including older dads-

Could you go it alone with a very disabled child?
that’s worst case scenario.

Being a single parent isn’t easy at the best of times.

He should have got a vasectomy years ago.

He might be the love of your life but I don’t think you’re his.

The way he has treated you is beyond upset; it’s cold and harsh.

If you think you would like the baby then go ahead and keep it. If you abort, you will always resent him because of how he has treated you. Abort if that suits you, but not if you think you will lose him if you don’t. Being coerced and bullied into a termination will destroy your relationship.

In this situation, 'number one' is the child.

Your last chance to have a baby.
Not your last chance to have another relationship if this one ends.

Miserable and angry are not attractive qualities I could love.

Yes, indeed. You love him but he's treating you badly when you need him most, and that is very hard to move on from in terms of the relationship. The only thing that could mend things would be for him to recognise how cruel he is being and sincerely apologise. Maybe he still will do this - he's had a shock - but you mustn't count on it.
Women do manage as single parents in difficult circumstances and you could find the resources in yourself and in the people around you to do this too - you would meet new people as an expectant and new mum, some of whom would understand and be your friends. Your partner would have to contribute financially which would be a help, and he might even start to love the baby when it becomes a reality, though again you mustn't count on that.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Likewise older mum here. I think I had more energy than all the young mums. I was so delighted at having my DC I was on cloud nine. All the younger mums complaining about all of their little difficulties, being tired, problems with bf, babies not sleeping or napping. I didn't care about any of it, as long as my DC was happy and healthy I was happy as Larry. And I was perfectly accepted by the other mums,

I agree with @OneMoreLime

I would add I don't see your relationship surviving a termination. It won't. Not when you feel the way you do .

So I think you should proceed with the pregnancy day by day and focus on that.

You make the plan based on you and your mental health.

He is either involved or not.

He’s behaving as if you’ve planned this, that it was intentional, that you alone are responsible. He’s only thinking of himself.
At the very least he should listen to your thoughts, care about your feelings and want the best for your life even if he won’t be in it in the future. I’d be giving him a lot of grief for his selfish attitude whilst accepting he won’t change his mind. He knows what parenthood entails and feels he’s past that stage. Forty years ago he was up for fatherhood but not now.
We’re all behind you. Don’t feel alone OP. 🤝 x

Yeah I have to agree with this.

I understand he's upset but he's not acting very maturely to put it mildly. Isn't he 60?

It's not about her being an older mum.
It's the attendant issues.

When I was in the unbearable agony of a keep-it-or-not dilemma, a doctor advised me to try to picture my life in one year’s time.

Yes, a child is virtually a quarter-century commitment, but somehow it gave me almost seeable to to anchor on.

💐

I only have one thing to say.
I was in the same situation at 21, at the beginning of my life.
Everyone said Id ruin my life continuing with my pregnancy with no husband that Id be yet another single mum on benefits.
Im 62 now and have NEVER regretted having my DS. He been my best friend and greatest love in the world. Men have come and gone. He has been the only consistent person in .y life. Id do anything for him.
And we managed on our own just fine.
Your child will be there for you long after your husband is dead and gone.

Which would you rather OP , your child or your DP because thatsounds like what it's boiling down too ?

I had DD at 43. I was keen for a child, my DH not so much as he had 2 from his first marriage. He was however incredibly hands on, and a great Dad.

Made lots of friends with Mums who were a bit younger, got involved in school etc . You will build a lovely life for you and your child if you want to. Imagine how you'll feel if you abort, and he ends the relationship anyway.

If you have the smallest feeling you may want to keep this baby then listen to it, this really is your last chance to fulfil this wish.

I do understand why he would not want a baby at his age but he needs to support you in whatever decision you make as the love of your life.

good luck with however you decide

The way he is treating you is very bad indeed. He needs to understand that this took the both of you, and that it is an extraordinary pressure that you are under.

If you terminated, could you carry on with him, knowing he took away your possibility of becoming a mother?

I understand his point of view of course - he’s at an age that he wants to wind down, but this is an unacceptable way to treat you in such a dilemma.

I have an older partner myself. He became a dad again in his mid-fifties. He doesn’t regret a thing. It keeps him young. Though the health complications that come with age have reared their head unfortunately. It’s certainly not ideal in that respect.

I wish you well.

I think your choices are

Leave him, have the baby solo and ensure he pays maintenance.

Stay together, have the baby, and live with his resentment of you and your shared child, bringing up a child who knows he never wanted them. I don't believe in 'oh he's bound to love them when they're here'.

Terminate and live with him in a toxic relationship tainted by your resentment of him for making you choose.

(And it's a gamble that he IS for life - only for him to perhaps leave you anyway in a few years with no child, no relationship).

Terminate and come to terms with your choice and make it work with a man whose true colours you're now seeing.
Real personality often only comes out at pregnancy time.

What next, OP?