A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

He might be your whole world, but you're clearly not his. At a very challenging time for you he has been unable to care for your emotional and mental wellbeing in any way, his only thought is his wants and needs and he appears to be of the expectation that he can make you feel guilty enough to acquiesce. If he didn't want more children strongly then a vasectomy is his way of taking control of his fertility, he has chosen not to do that knowing the possible outcome. Your relationship is very, very unlikely to survive this, he's shown you so little respect or even consideration and you are not going to love him the same way you once did knowing this. Whether you have your baby or not is your decision, but it has to be what is right for you and you alone because he's shown his true colours and they're not pretty.

Have you somewhere/somebody you can take yourself out to for a short period of time without him putting on the emotional pressure.

You have a lot of thinking to do and he is not helping. You need the time and space to work things out as too finances, housing, etc if you decide to keep the child. Like others have said you are entitled for maintenance, etc.

If you do as he wishes you will find yourself in a different mindset to the one you have now and probably find that you 'hate' the situation he placed you in and you will have regrets.

Find some counselling services that can talk you through these problems and help you decide what is the best for you and for nobody else.

Even if you go it alone it will be what you want and what is best for you.

Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

He’s just an old man who wants to shag a younger woman with no strings. Get the rose tinted glasses off, OP.

If he loved you he would support you.

I love my husband and felt like he was the love of my life. When my baby was born I realised what love really is. It’s hard to explain but I have never ever loved anyone like that. I wouldn’t give that up for a shallow man.

OP - 1000s of women have babies on their own. I suspect that for you this a much longed for baby. Your relationship with this man will never be the same whether you keep the baby or not. Imagine in 2 years time if you don’t go through with the pregnancy and you split up? You will be left with nothing. You are a woman of independent means and from first hand experience I want you to know that you can have this baby and that you will be a brilliant mother.

I read your first thread and have been thinking of you and wondering how you are. Thank you for the update. I’m sorry it’s not the happy update you wished it to be.
You need to focus on your needs and desires right now. You’re a wonderful woman, who deserves to be happy. I can’t tell you what decision to make, but all I can say, is that reading your posts, I get the sense you’re not used to putting yourself first. Now is the time to do just that. Your voice deserves to be heard. Take care and know that there are lots of women all over the UK thinking of you right now x

OP, so sorry to get this update and big hugs. He is not the love of your life and you are not his either. He would not treat someone he loves in this way. The sulky behaviour like this was somehow your fault.

This might be the one and only chance you get at being a mother and think I remember you mentioned that you always wanted to have kids but it didn't happen and then your DH made it clear he didn't want any.

I think you need some space away from him and stay elsewhere for a little while and your decision might be clearer to you. Life is full of surprises and yes this wasn't planned but could be the start of a new chapter. Wishing you all the best with whatever you choose to do.

Only you can choose. You have a good job I think from what you wrote previously? Maybe not a separate home right now but you could rent somewhere if you moved out. Look on entitled to and see if you would entitled to financial support. Plus your baby’s dad would need to give you child support. Look at child care costs. I would make a plan option 1 for going alone option 2 for termination. Personally I don’t think I could choose termination. I’m similar age to you. If you choose option 1 yes your life would change but possibly for the better. Your partner is old to be parenting so I can kind of see his point but this baby wasn’t planned and you both need time. Could you consider talking to a therapist?

@Babybelle81 Please think very hard before you give it all up for a man. You are economically independent and doing well in your career from what you have said before. What you lack in family support, you could hire professionals to help. You can have food delivered, cleaners, house help while you focus on the baby.
Since you always wanted a child, you should not let this opportunity go.

You sound like such a lovely person, and I’m so sorry this is all so hard for you. I hope you can take the time to prioritise yourself, and your feelings. It does sound as if you would very much like to have this baby, and I really hope that things will turn out as you would wish. Please take care of yourself, and value yourself x

Firstly, deep love is one thing, but being so dependent on your partner really isn't healthy. OF COURSE you can parent by yourself, millions of people do it every day and there is plenty of support available to you. The council can help with housing, you'll be entitled to benefits, and if your partner left you'd be entitled to maintenance payments. I didn't read your previous post and understand it's a difficult situation, and your partner is entitled to feel the way he does. But please, please don't lose what is probably your only chance to have a baby because of a man. Chances are, if you did abort your relationship would breakdown anyway because there will be so many mixed feelings involved, you may start to resent him. Have a little self respect, and a really good think about what your heart is telling you about this baby. Love between a mother and child transcends anything romantic you might feel for a man, and I very much doubt that if you have the baby you'll regret it. Of course it will be hard, all parenting is, but the love and joy you'll experience is literally like nothing else. If you want this child, YOU WILL COPE and probably even thrive.

You can do absolutely anything you choose. I realise this hit like a brick,unexpected ,frid he used to be love oof your life-til now.
|Shut down,no convo,total haard no/not debateablle cleary is his stance.
Did he st,wont necessaruly be easy-defo not all of the timek howw you feel?where your heads at?
if you had ANY thoughts?feelings at all?
forra a full week.thats disgraceful,unaceptable.
It will hurt,you my have shared fantastic love\memories.
IN the one moment you ctul NEEDED him-He played his hand.
priority loud n clear.
THIS is your baby-apart from huge shock if you want to continue pregnancy n give\have the unconditional love-you do that.
i hope your o?x

The relationship is dead. You’d struggle on resenting him more and more and if you stayed instead of being a mother you’d be his carer. Your decision is single mum or just single. Given his and your age though I’d prioritise getting the harmony test for the baby if you might be keeping it.

All those things you list are expensive. Yes, op should look into the financial feasibility if she doesn't already know fully where she stands, but there's also lots of threads about people struggling to get by, and if her partner isn't working, could he avoid any payments if they end up breaking up?

I also read that teachers have a hard time doing the school run bc of their hrs but maybe her schedule is better?

Teachers can never do the school run! She'll need a child minder. As you say, outsourcing is expensive.

I agree with PPs I'm afraid, a man that will treat you like this by giving you the silent treatment really isn't the perfect man. Such a hard decision but if it were me I'd be tempted to let nature take its course. At your age a miscarriage is much more likely than if you were younger. But if it sticks then perhaps it is meant to be. But only you can know whether that's something you could handle, raising a child alone. I don't think whatever I chose to do re the baby I could stay with a man who treated me so badly when he knew how hard this decision was.

Why is he behaving as if it is entirely your fault? It takes 2 to make a pregnancy.

Op realistically you have a huge age gap this relationship is likely to breakdown later on. He's acting like a sulky child when you need him the most. As pp have said you don't know love until you have a child it doesn't compare. There is a lot of help now with childcare getting free hours from 9 months now, have a look into all these things. Plenty of mums do it alone you have a good job check out your maternity provisions ect before you make your decision.

His treatment of you is awful, regardless of how he feels about the pregnancy. If he loved you he wouldn't be acting this way. Don't terminate a baby it sounds like you want (?) for this man. If you do decide to terminate it needs to be on your terms. Wishing you all the best and for what its worth, I was raised by a single mum who had no family support. We didn't have much but she loved my sister and I very much, we are very close now and she's a wonderful grandma.

I’d ditch him and have the baby. Worst case scenario you end up as a single mother on benefits. Is that really so terrible? Most important The baby needs time and love over materialistic things. You can buy everything else needed or wanted for them from charity shops or Facebook or other sites. You do not have to buy anything new except a car seat. You will get maternity leave and pay. Once that’s over you’ll get UC top up if your wages aren’t high enough to live on (like the majority of others on uc) and 85% of the cost of childcare back. You may get other help.

I just keep thinking if the OP terminated…. did what her partner wanted her too. Fast forward 20 years…she has taken care of her partner, he passes away, and his children want nothing to do with her. She will be 63 and completely alone, and my guess would get nothing in the inheritance…it would all go to her partners’ kids.

I don’t think this guy loves the OP. I think she is convenient for sex and as a nurse when he gets older. And she works and supports herself, so he doesn’t have to worry about that either. If he loved her, he would be supportive. But no, he will try to make her believe being pregnant is all her fault and justifies his bad treatment, so she has an abortion to “make it up to him” for her “transgression.” If he doesn’t support the OP now, would he drop her when she went through the menopause and wasn’t as much up for sex or if she looked “too old”? The more I think about this, the angrier I am getting. OP, do what you want to do. If you want the baby, have the baby. And ditch the partner, and get as much money in child support that you can. What an arse he is.

Unfortunately I think this sums it all up perfectly. He isn’t really considering you at all. I’d keep the baby. There’s support out there and you’ll make it work.

Please do not abort the baby for the sake of your relationship. You were happy at having a baby on one of your posts on the other thread.

If you do you will resent him and this would possibly cause the relationship to break down anyway & then you may resent yourself for having the abortion.

Going it alone is scary but it is doable. Good luck x

From your other thread, it seemed that you wanted to keep the baby. If that is the case, please don't let your partner's anger change your mind. It is unreasonable of him in the extreme to be angry with you. And quite honestly, it sounds as though he is used to being the centre of attention, the one who calls the shots and whose wishes are taken into account first and foremost. (There's also the oddly enmeshed relationship with his daughter, but that's a topic for another thread.) It also sounds as though you've accepted those terms and subjugated yourself to him in a way that may not be healthy ("he's my whole world").

He's probably someone who is easy to live with as long as everything is on his own terms. But he is now revealing another side of himself, since he is being confronted with a situation that he can't control and which he doesn't want. If ever there was a time to stand up for yourself and your wants and needs, it is now.

Of course, financial considerations are important, as are emotional support systems. But I wouldn't worry at all about working full time. It's quite unremarkable in my circle for women to have full time jobs and babies.

I hope you make the choice that is right for you, without being influenced by any emotional manipulation from your partner.

How can he be the love of your life when he behaves like this? You want this baby, you know you do really. So having a termination is not an option. It's likely you would regret it for the rest of your life. As someone who lives with abortion regret, I can tell you it is very hard to live with.

He already has children and has fulfilled that need in his life and assuming he was still with their mum when they were little he has a realistic idea of the work involved so he is probably overthinking on that right now. I'm approaching 50 and have raised four, I wouldn't want to start from scratch.

However you haven't had a child yet. This would be a new life experience and perhaps an opportunity that may not happen again. You need to think about what you truly want and go with it.

I had an abortion because of circumstances. We had two young children and were facing homelessness as the house we were being made to leave the house we were renting without knowing where we were going to end up. My partner pushed for it. 20 years on I still blame my ex partner and I'm resentful that circumstances may that decision happen. I still think of the baby I could have had who would have been 20 in December.

I ended up a single parent in the end to four children. I got pregnant again once we had settled into a new house and there was no way I'd have another abortion. He left to go off with a new woman when our fourth baby was 2yo.

It was tough but I managed and now reaping the rewards of having lovely adult children.