A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

I think this is very perceptive. I wonder when his previous marriage started to break down, I wonder if it was when his previous wife had a baby and his nose was put out of joint by not being the centre of attention - there are examples all the time on here of these men toddlers. He seems to like being the centre of attention - this seems to be at play in his relationship with his daughter too, possibly.

It is really selfish to want OP to give up having a child - something's he's experienced and he seems to have a positive relationship with his daughter. Who is he to say OP can't experience that when he didn't even bother to have the snip and continued to have unprotected sex?

It's one thing to agree you won't have children, but if you do agree that the responsible thing is for both partners to take steps to ensure a pregnancy can't happen. Now the pregnancy exists, it's a different matter altogether and he's being a selfish prick and not considering OP's feelings at all.

Yes. You could abort the child, and he would end the relationship anyhow. OP, if you want the baby, have the baby. You work sure, but there is mat leave, and you know what, your partner will have to give child support. Please don’t think this is all your fault.

Don’t worry about your age. I had one at 44, she is 16 now and we are doing great. I’m in good health I’m sure that she has kept me young. We do a lot together, shopping, gym, travel, some hobbies. She does not notice my age and in her cohort there are some older mums who did career before kids.

My best friend had hers at 45, after a decade of ivf.

You are not alone,

I couldn't stay in a relationship with a man like that.

That's what rude people usually say - "I'm just being honest"

He's acting like a child. You need a man. Or better still, go it alone.

Have your baby. You will it love it more than you ever loved DP.

I am so sad for you. I read your previous thread. From that, i remember he was much older than you. Thinking ahead, you have possibly a choice. Caring for him or caring for your child. The fact your feelings are taken into consideration so little, I believe you'd be better off keeping the baby. If he stays and helps and is a good dad, he's a good egg.

I know you said before he's a very young 60- something year-old.

As for you having a baby in your 40s, I've done this. Best decision I've ever made. She is my joy

@Babybelle81 This is so desperately sad that you are putting yourself down like this.

It seems like you do actually want to keep the baby- and if you do, your partner will have to pay for the child.

Your partner sounds like a selfish ass.

He has a child, a grandchild, and is having sex with a much younger woman- {You} - he doesn't want to go back to babies and young children in his dotage.

A family friend was accidentally pregnant in her early 40's just before she was about to take a three year contract for a Charity overseas.

She had a termination, but Mum said she really anguished over it.
She would have made a marvellous parent- As kids we LOVED her.

Sadly she passed away. {Illness} but she would have been a great mother.
Her own mother was a wonderful woman, too.

Do what your heart tells you to do.

I am so sorry for you OP. Only you can know your own heart on this, but I wouldn't be able to forgive a partner for behaving like this and I know I would pick having a baby over staying with him if it really is that stark a choice.

I have a husband I adore too but my children are the loves of my life. I can't see how you wouldn't resent him taking the chance of a child away from you.

@Babybelle81
OP, you have written that you can only blame yourself, no, it takes two, and your partner is just as responsible, whether he likes it or not. You say you love him, he is your world etc, but he is being mega selfish, as he already has children and you do not.
You need not be alone either, please contact Life Pregnancy Care who will support you emotionally and with expert advice. Best wishes

I can't imagine aborting a very wanted baby for a man. Especially a much older man who is treating you very poorly. I'm so sorry it will be very hard to do this alone but it really sounds like not keeping this baby will be something you regret for the rest of your life. You will outlive this man by probably two decades. Your child will almost certainly outlive you and you may even have grandchildren in your advanced years. Contact the charity Gingerbread for advice on single parenthood.

My story is completely different to yours. I don't want to upset you. As a fellow woman I strongly believe this is your choice, your body, your life and your future. I appreciate you saying he's your world, you have a job, nothing else. But when I looked at my newborn son, I realised this went beyond love. All love is sacred, unique and I don't downplay any other type. But this is not something I've ever experienced before and it's never went away
I thought I loved his dad, I thought I couldn't do this on my own. I did and I thrived.
What's throwing me is his anger and silent treatment. His sperms helped create this, he's not blameless. He seems to be taking it out on you.
Ultimately you know yourself better than anyone, including your DH. What i would hate for you is, you terminate, resentment grows, will he 'forgive' you for the pregnancy in the first place? You end up separated anyway. Whether he likes it or not, if you choose this option you should seek reassurance from him that won't happen. So he'll have to speak to you regardless. How would you get to the appointment? Will he support you? Or is this your mess?
This is all about you, put you first. Whatever you choose, I'll wish you all the best.

I don’t have any advice OP but I will say when I married my ex, I thought I would never love anyone the way I loved him…..and then my two sons came along. Believe me any love you think you have for a man pales in comparison for the love for a child.

I’m sending you a big hug OP 🤗

Exactly this.

The ''Everything happens for a reason'' is a tired old trope, and a load of nonsense.

{WW1 and 2 'happened for a reason?'- tell us the positives here}

The reality is OP could well find herself a single parent - IF the pregnancy goes to term. s.

OP hasn't a house- probably dependent on this man who will have put his house for his adult daughter to inherit.

I agree, I hate that statement. Still trying to find the ‘reason’ for babies being stillborn, CSA and my parent dying. Ugh. Just no.

Im sorry to hear you are in this terribly difficult situation.

I struggle to empathise with your partner when he can surely see how much you want a child, and when he himself has already had that opportunity

In practical terms, are you asking a lot from him (in terms of amount of childcare time you expect from him, or additional financial contributions in the longterm?)

It seems unreasonable that he is denying you this opportunity especially given that a child would provide you with company after he has passed

How many weeks are you? I’d suggest NIPT testing as without trying to upset you further, there may be a higher chance of issues if you go to term.

Isn’t he a catch? :/

Hi Babybelle,
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The way your partner is treating you is awful. If he was certain he didn't want anymore children he should have had the snip or settled with someone post menopause. You are a woman of child birthing age so he should have realised you may get pregnant. As we all know birth control isn't 100% effective. We all know people who have had happy accidents. All three of my siblings were happy accidents as was my first born son. I understand you are in a very lonely, isolated situation but think long and hard before you consider giving your baby up for someone who seems to have little regard for your feelings. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you find some peace. 💗
Just as an aside my partner was extremely unhappy when I got pregnant as we hadn't planned on it at that time and wanted to travel more. Our son is his world now, they are two peas in a pod. Sometimes I'd love to remind him how much he hurt me when he said he wasn't sure he was ready for it yet. I told him I would have the baby anyway as I knew there was no way in hell I was getting rid of my baby. Up until that point I also wasn't sure if I could have children either. He stuck around because he was mad about me in those days......how times change.Xx

@Babybelle81 Would you have the baby and resent it for breaking up your relationship (if it did). Or not being able to bond with it at all. I think sometimes people fall in love with the idea of being a parent but can't cope with the reality of it. Just worth having a really good think about it and deciding which option you can't live with.

Also think yourself 20 years forward - your partner may not be alive at 80, your relationship may be over much sooner - but you will have had the experience of raising a child. Over the course of time, what is worth more to you?
I had a child at 43, was single, and honestly, it was fine. A few problems here and there like all lives have problems, but the joy is immense as is the strength and single mindedness you get from it.
He really doesn't have the option of not being supportive in this situation - he's showing you who he is, so believe him.

Thinking about this some more and reading all the incredibly supportive posts, I really worry about you having a termination, OP.

Never mind whether or not the relationship would survive one, would you as a person?

Terminations are very sad. They are very challenging to get over, and that’s when you want one. I nearly had one when I was 19 but miscarried the day before the appointment. It was very sad and I really struggled emotionally. Even though I was never going to have the baby. It wasn’t an option. I was in uni and definitely didn’t want a baby. But it was such a heartbreaking thing to face up to and make the appointment. I know many many friends who have had abortions over the years. They have always been very sad even though they all definitely wanted the termination. I don’t think I know anyone who had one who didn’t truly want one.

I am definitely pro choice and very thankful we have the choice in this country. But if I were you, I’d be choosing to have the baby, 100%.

It's a ghastly statement.
It's a throwaway term like 'Karma', meant to shut you up.
Life throws horrible curveballs at people all the time.

Bad things happen to good, undeserving people, and people who do great wrongs get away with it.

A lot of life is chance and pure luck.

A Survivor of the holocaust {Tova Friedman} said in a fascinating podcast that she and her mother survived down to sheer 'blind chance'. A lottery.

Nothing to do with ''things happening for a reason.''
Ditto people on the Frontline in Wars- some survive while men inches away do not.