A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

His whole reaction would make me reassess everything. He might be the love of your life, but you’re not his, or he wouldn’t treat you like this. A baby will show you a whole other meaning of the love of your life. Scrap this guy and take your chance of being a mother.

Babies are life changing and extremely hard work. They change your life completely and single parenthood is very hard. Can be lonely and isolating, especially without family support which makes a HUGE difference. Never underestimate that. Parenthood can bring love and joy also as well as challenges.

Yes this. Once you have a child you will wonder what the fuss was about with men.

As someone who struggled to have a child I can't see how I could move forward with the relationship given his response. This is the most important decision of your life, and not one to be taken lightly, and he has backed off and offered the signal that it's him or the baby. You say your baby wouldn't have much and you have little to give but you have everything to give. Children don't need lots of luxuries or money. Love and care is all they need and if you want to make it work you will find a way but it sounds like it may be a path you will go down alone. If you choose the alternative it is highly likely you will also be alone as without communication and understanding no relationship will have reality or meaning to last it out unless you are prepared to put all the big stuff under the carpet and pretend they don't happen.
I didn't think I could have children and made a pledge with myself to not want to have them. After 2 miracles arrived I could want for nothing more and they are the centre of my universe, I can't imagine a purpose or life without them and everything that came before seems so minimal and insignificant.

Thank u 4 this honest post

I didn't think I could have children and made a silent pledge not to want to have them. Now after 2 miracles I have the love of my life and need nothing more.

The OP has an unplanned pregnancy.

She needs to do what is in the best interests of the child.

I had an abortion 40 years ago. It was absolutely the right decision and I hardly ever think about it. I certainly don't regret it.

I’m so sorry your partner reacted like this 😔.
I think he’s probably in shock but he needs to support you now, no matter what he feels about the baby.

You understandably have some very difficult decisions to make and hopefully he will come good and you can both support each other.

If he is unwilling to talk, perhaps sadly, that’s part way towards your answer.
I know it’s hard to hear this but you will have to ask yourself if you would want to stay with him long term after terminating a baby he doesn’t want, and whether if you did stay, you would end up resenting him for taking away your only chance to have your own child.

I can only guess what I would do in your position but I think if I had only been with my partner 5 years, I would either try to change his mind about having the baby or I would leave and have the baby on my own.

Even before I had my DC, I knew that my desire to have a child trumped my desire to have a partner. I would not have let a man prevent me from having DC. You only have one life. What is more important to you?

I had an abortion at 22. I have no regrets even though I never carried a child to term after that due to my endometriosis.

I have a lovely son through adoption.

There isn't a right or wrong answer.

If you feel you can do this do it. If you find the thought of being a single parent too overwhelming that's ok too.

I'm a single parent now and I personally love it. My sister on the other hand struggled a lot and the fathers stepped in to raise her girls in their teens.

Life is always complicated but beautiful all the same.

Not everyone wants to be a single parent, even if they wanted a child. Op has to do what's best for herself. I don't think I'd want to do parenthood solo.

The baby will have a loving mother. That’s what a baby needs. Focus on your happy news and not on your unsupportive partner. He's selfish and only focused on himself. Even if he’s upset about the pregnancy he’s not showing you any kindness or understanding. Probably he sees you as his old age nurse. And he knows if you have a baby your focus will switch to the baby rather than him.

Whatever you decude, don't worry about ruining your relationship with Mr. Angry and Miserable. Men like this ruin relationships all by themselves - unlike making a baby, which takes two.

The relationship is buggered, might as well salvage the pregnancy rather then regret a termination.

He got you pregnant ! terrible he is not seeing this as a team problem
my OH did not want kids specially not the second one
I have had two kids last one at 45 and with only 3 months mat leave because I was unemployed I also had no family support , really skint but that’s all past now and I would not be without my kids , my future
you get mat leave, you work full time
you make new mum friends , totally doable single if necessary

but it’s your choice , thinking of you

Hi OP - I read your previous thread and haven’t read the whole of this one, but have looked at your posts.

You have to do what is right for you, and I am no professional expert. However, from what you have said I feel there are red flags connected to your state of mind (regardless of the pregnancy) and your current relationship. The latter could be impacting the former, or not. It is hard to tell what draws you so strongly to this man from what you have said about him.

When you have a baby you are connected to their other parent emotionally, and often practically as well, for the rest of your life. You have to navigate, their interest/support/contact (or lack thereof) and how that impacts you and your child. You try to ‘play nicely’ for the sake of your child, even when the other parent has cut you to the core, damaged you or otherwise betrayed you - and when they aren’t brilliant parents and/or let your child down.

Your partner is clearly not on board with the pregnancy. You say you don’t want to raise a child alone (perfectly reasonable - it is an incredibly tough gig). But you also fear resenting him and feeling bereft if you terminate (again totally reasonable and understandable). If you do decide to terminate, you may always feel sad about what didn’t come to be, but remember that you will also have spared yourself (and your child) the pain and difficulty of dealing with a father who doesn’t want to know/punishes you and your child/makes your life even harder and from whom you can never be truly free.

If you terminate you will be free to stay in this relationship, or not, in future. If you decide not to stay perhaps it will eventually be partly because of what happened here - but at least you will be able to cut ties completely if that’s the case. We always love our children and would never wish harm upon them, but it is very hard to navigate their childhoods with an inadequate partner or ex partner. Missing out on that is not necessarily something to be regretted.

Good luck in whatever you decide. 💐

PS it’s easier to terminate the earlier you do it.

PPS You may want to read the Lundy Bancroft book, Why Does He Do That?

Actually, @Babybelle81 from what you posted, he reiterated he didn't want any more children, that is not the same as him saying he wants you to terminate the pregnancy.

I personally would carry on doing what you want which is to have the baby.

I appreciate you love him, but if he does ask you to terminate, he would be asking you to make a sacrifice that is perhaps unforgivable.

Withholding affection is not a positive strategy, if that’s what he is doing,

It appears that this is his strategy to get you do what he wants. It’s too bad really that he isn’t being supportive at all …

Focus on you and the baby. You may feel currently that he is the love of your life but currently he’s not treating you at all well and you deserve much better.

You can do this alone, I was a lone parent at 16 with no support whatsoever. You have a good job and will be entitled to maternity pay and child support, do not miss out on your one unexpected chance to be a mum.

Do you want to look after an old man or a child?

I’m so very sorry you are going through this.

However, you are…

l’m also so very sorry, but think that your relationship can never be the same again irrespective of you’re decision on this pregnancy.

You’ve already summarised it, but effectively you must consider theses two basic scenarios

you go ahead - but likely alone or with limited / unknown input from the father and bring the child up yourself.

you terminate the pregnancy - pretending that you are O.K. with this decision & try to continue your relationship with the father as if this had never happened.

Either way there is huge fall out and (again) I’m sorry, but the relationship is not likely to survive either way… They emotions on both side of this situation are just to enormous and finite - but neither are ‘wrong’.

You would clearly like to continue this pregnancy. Many women successfully have children alone.

From what you’ve said I think it likely he will end the relationship anyway if you terminate as this is serious ‘water under the bridge’ and he’s certainly not taking the risk again.

Please do not end this pregnancy before you have professional counselling - there is no ‘do over’.

Obviosly your choice, but plenty of women work and raise children. You’re just scared of the unknowns - which is perfectly reasonable and shows you in a good sensible responsible, possibly parental, light!

I wish you all the best with whatever you choose (but please make it ONLY you’re choice).

Just my thoughts, but I’ve been there having nothing and no one to support, and once I had my baby in my arms the love I felt was more than anything I’ve ever experienced before. Whatever you decide to do you will get through this, even if it’s alone with a baby, you WILL get through this!

As a teacher who had to go it alone please don’t believe you absolutely can’t do it and consider all options before making a decision for your partner that you will resent him for and which may destroy your relationship anyway.

I considered staying in the expensive city I lived in as I figured that if I worked part time in an area rents were expensive I would have got Universal Credit topping up my income and paying towards childcare.

i also think it’s possible to consider the cost of childcare and take a loan to cover it but spread it over a longer period than the 3-4 pre-school years. The governments 30 free hours ought to help too, especially if you have a childminder as often their rates are cheaper than nursery.

also, I have never requested a penny from my son’s dad but you should get child maintenance if you DP doesn’t step up.

i ultimately decided to move to a much cheaper place where actually as a lone parent teacher I was able to cover childcare and rent during the early years by working full time. My DS is now at school and as a UPS teacher I have plenty of money left over after bills and monthly essentials. He has a lovely life.

honestly though, if you don’t want to do it alone that’s perfectly valid too. I just want you to know it is possible if you consider all options. I also want you to know that your relationship may be over either way because of the hurt this situation will cause - make the decision you really want about having the baby or not on the basis of what you would do if your relationship was over either way.

when needs must, you will be surprised how well you cope on your own.

You want a baby. You always have deep down, you've said that previously. You love him, he's your world but I promise you this. The love you will feel for this baby will be beyond anything you've ever felt before. Totally different kind of love to what you feel for him. Also, and I know this may sound awful, he could leave one day whether you have this baby or not and then you lose them both. And also in the long run, and I say this with love, your child will be around alot longer than him, you'll have your child in your life alot longer than your boyfriend if you know what I mean, hes in jis 60s isnt it...... Have your baby. Move away if he wants no part of it. Start fresh. It will be ok, thousands of women have done this. My great grandmother came to England unmarried,penniless and friendless in 1930 from Ireland and made a life for herself and her child and my God if she can do that you can do this. Have your child and have an amazing life together, you will be happy, just you two.x

Even if you leave he has to pay child maintenance. How can you continue a relationship after this? Did you tell him you wanted a baby? Op, Not an easy decision. being a single mother is hard but not impossible and a child's love is above anything you can imagine.