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Original poster

A little update…wish it was better news

766 replies

Babybelle81 · 23/11/2024 10:30

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

OP posts:
belle40 · 23/11/2024 18:40

Hi OP. Sorry to hear about your partner's response. I apologise for any repetition and I know it is frightening at the moment but honestly if he can't even speak with you about this it is over. If you want the baby you will not recover from an abortion. I was put in a similar situation- he had his family (3 children from a long marriage before we met).

I was left alone and pregnant, I also work FT and have no local family support. It hasn't been easy at times but if you want the baby please don't give this up for any man.

Whatever your situation there is always a solution. Sometimes the choices in front of you seem awful but you will find a way through as a single parent. Please make the right decision for you, not him.

FrostyTheSnowHuman · 23/11/2024 18:41

Your head’s understandably a total mess right now so if you can only focus on one thing - can you try to put the emotional stuff aside for a bit while you gather as much info as you can about the practicalities of going it alone? That way your decision will be fully informed.

Things like:
-What benefits you would be entitled to if single with a child
-Cost of childcare near you (remembering to take 20% off for tax free childcare)
-If/how you could move closer to family
-If/how you could get a new job to facilitate that
-Use the online CMS calculator to work out how much he would legally need to pay in child maintenance
-As you’re married, get a sense of what joint assets you would be entitled to if you divorce
-Speak to a divorce lawyer if you can - I think some offer a free hour-long consultation

NiftyKoala · 23/11/2024 18:41

I am a million times over pro choice. I think there are times an abortion is the best thing or only thing to do. I have had one myself in my youth. You're situation is different you have always wanted it. I say take it. It is your one chance. I think you will regret it and this is your chance finally. Besides either way this relationship is done. I say thanks for the baby now good bye.

localnotail · 23/11/2024 18:42

dottiehens · 23/11/2024 17:48

I will be blunt about this. Have you thought of what are you bringing the baby to? You are 43 and your partner older? Let’s say you have it and cut off from your partner. Have you got any idea if something is wrong with the baby. At your age there are risks that you shouldn’t ignore. Can you see all the women who brings children with problems and how their life were reduced to being carers and very poor. What about is something happened to you without family or savings.? About your partner he is selfish obviously but the reality is that you are not spring chicken and he probably thought at your age this would not happened. May be he feel you played him but regardless it is his responsibility too.

Gosh, "blunt" is putting it mildly! ))

FeetupTvon · 23/11/2024 18:43

To be honest, if he’s not been speaking to you much since you told him I would definitely re-asses everything. This is not wholly your ‘fault.’

Everything happens for a reason, have your beautiful baby, things will work out for you in the end. I guarantee you will not regret having your child.

If he loves you as much as you love him he will come back to you. If he doesn’t, he was not worth sacrificing your child and your own happiness for, ever.

LBFseBrom · 23/11/2024 18:43

NiftyKoala · 23/11/2024 18:41

I am a million times over pro choice. I think there are times an abortion is the best thing or only thing to do. I have had one myself in my youth. You're situation is different you have always wanted it. I say take it. It is your one chance. I think you will regret it and this is your chance finally. Besides either way this relationship is done. I say thanks for the baby now good bye.

I concur wholeheartedly.

OneNiftyPoet · 23/11/2024 18:46

It's one thing to say he doesn't want a child when there isn't one on the horizon but now you are pregnant it is a different situation. He doesn't seem to be thinking of you in this at all. He made you pregnant and he needs to face the reality that if he coerces you to terminate, you may never have a child of your own. What kind of man sulks in this situation? Not a man I'd be prepared to give up a precious child for but it must be a terribly difficult decision for you. But you need to think that if he really really loves you, he will want what is best for you. If he is prepared to end your relationship if you go ahead that speaks volumes. Or does he think you somehow tricked him? If that's what he thinks of you then again, is the relationship really worth giving up a precious gift?

forgotactually · 23/11/2024 18:51

It’s getting on for 50 years since I had an abortion.
Hardly a day goes by that I don’t think about it.

What could have been.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 23/11/2024 18:52

I hope you now see this "love of your life" for the disgusting selfish prick he actually is. You wanted a child, he said no, so you quietly gave up on your desire to become a mother. Now, you have that chance, he's not speaking to you, despite him being 50% responsible for this accidental pregnancy. He's an immature, selfish, sulky man, and if this hasn't woken you up and given you the ICK, I don't know what will.

If I were in your shoes, I'd have the baby (you'll cope, many single mothers do), and dump the selfish sulky man. He is most certainly not the love of your life, you were merely a convenience for him. Your baby will show you what true love really is.

If you have a termination, you will grow to resent him for taking away your only chance to be a mother. And every time you see his controlling daughter will eat away at you for being a massive reason as to why he wouldn't support you becoming a mother.

Quite frankly, he disgusts me. I REALLY hope you wake up to what kind of man he is before it's too late.

Disturbia81 · 23/11/2024 18:52

forgotactually · 23/11/2024 18:51

It’s getting on for 50 years since I had an abortion.
Hardly a day goes by that I don’t think about it.

What could have been.

Flowers
LochKatrine · 23/11/2024 18:54

forgotactually · 23/11/2024 18:51

It’s getting on for 50 years since I had an abortion.
Hardly a day goes by that I don’t think about it.

What could have been.

I'm sorry to hear this 💐x

Alltheyearround · 23/11/2024 18:55

NiftyKoala · 23/11/2024 18:41

I am a million times over pro choice. I think there are times an abortion is the best thing or only thing to do. I have had one myself in my youth. You're situation is different you have always wanted it. I say take it. It is your one chance. I think you will regret it and this is your chance finally. Besides either way this relationship is done. I say thanks for the baby now good bye.

Same here and agree with you 100%.

I think it would be good for the OP to talk to someone at BPAS or similar to help her navigate her situation. We're on the outside looking in here.

NettleTea · 23/11/2024 18:55

localnotail · 23/11/2024 18:42

Gosh, "blunt" is putting it mildly! ))

Show quote history

Im glad I am not the only one who thought that!
No spring chicken indeed. FML
and yes there are some increased risks, but when you look at it, the largest majority of 40s women still have healthy births and babies.
bloody rude is what I would call it, not blunt

littlejo67 · 23/11/2024 18:55

Your relationship won't seem as consuming when you have your child. It's that relationship that will be the love of your life.

Alltheyearround · 23/11/2024 18:56

forgotactually · 23/11/2024 18:51

It’s getting on for 50 years since I had an abortion.
Hardly a day goes by that I don’t think about it.

What could have been.

@forgotactually Flowers

SpideyVerse · 23/11/2024 18:56

Apple06 · 23/11/2024 15:31

If he gets angry and is not supporting you he is not the love of you life. He is just a man. My children are the love of my life, I de-centred men a long time ago.

@Babybelle81
Apple06 has summed up so well what couldn't be truer.
Alas to give up your chance of knowing this precious s/he to become a genuine love of your life, for someone who is proving himself to be 'just a man' who is angry and not supporting you.

NettleTea · 23/11/2024 19:02

and remember that there are thousands of women on here who will support you. we may not know you, but many of us have been there, and the majority of us are mothers. Whatever time of night, posting here, someone will reply. Women here can signpost you to real life support. Some may turn into RL friends (I have a group I love dearly who I met on here and have been an amazing network)

you are not alone, even if you feel you are.

we are a vicious nest of vipers, often to men who are acting like pricks, and there are many on here who are 'blunt', but as a source of genuine support, well, Ive been thankful for the knowledge and insight and clearthinking perspective Ive received over the last 20 years

JawsCushion · 23/11/2024 19:04

The fact your title is you which it was better news says it all..

CinnamonJellyBeans · 23/11/2024 19:05

This man doesn't love you as much as you think. he just loves the home comforts and enhanced lifestyle you bring him. He does not want you if part of that package involves his own child. Hardly what I'd call unconditional love.

I note you're not married: he's going to leave everything to the daughter he dotes on.

Also, of I recall your previous thread, he's like 17 years older than you????? Stay with him and you'd still end up changing nappies. But I think when you're his carer, with no family of your own, and his harpy daughter telling you the best way to wipe his arse and clean his dribble, you will not enjoy it.

There is never a perfect age or a perfect financial situation to have a child. At 43, with a job, you're in a better position than you think.

Swap your partner for a baby. Then you'll know what it's like to be truly loved.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/11/2024 19:06

Babybelle81 · 23/11/2024 10:42

Thank you for your comment. Appreciate it.

it was very much unplanned, I thought I was going through menopause and have endo. I’ve never had children. I cannot cope on my own. I have nothing. No home, no support network. I have to work full time. I think if I keep it it will ruin our relationship as he is already so angry and miserable. He has barely spoken since we found out Tuesday.

Show quote history

You have been together for five years, you work full-time - why do you have nothing? Is this a case of 'what's yours is his, and what's his is his as well'?

"No home" - again, why? How did this situation come about?

MelainesLaugh · 23/11/2024 19:08

To be honest I think your relationship is over either way. If you do have a termination you could end up resenting him.

Be kind on yourself

GivingitToGod · 23/11/2024 19:09

localnotail · 23/11/2024 18:42

Gosh, "blunt" is putting it mildly! ))

Show quote history

But honest

Bubblebuttress · 23/11/2024 19:09

SpidersAreShitheads · 23/11/2024 15:51

OP I think I posted early on your last post. I accidentally fell pregnant with twins and split with the father when I was 6 weeks pregnant.

No family near me, huge mortgage to pay on my own (wasn’t living with ex so mortgage was mine alone), demanding job…..and TWINS!! 😳

I went for a termination clinic but I just cried and cried. They sent me in for a chat with the onsite counsellor. The upshot was I didn’t have the termination.

That was 15 years ago. Best decision I ever made. I never realised how much you could love a child and how much they could love you.

There is ALWAYS a way to sort things out. Always. It might be hard at times but you are clearly an intelligent woman - you’ve got a good career so you’ll have options. Your life might not look like it does now but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t do it.

I am pro-choice - but your comments made it clear that you want this baby. He is treating you terribly - he doesn’t sound like the man you think he is.

Maybe try picturing the following:

  1. You have a termination and stay with him - will you resent him? Will he merrily carry on with life, relieved, while you’re left to get over what’s happened? How would you feel towards him - would your relationship bounce back?

  2. You have a termination and you split up, either because of the resentment or because he leaves you. Will you regret having lost what is probably your last chance to have a baby?

  3. You don’t terminate and he vanishes from your life. He’ll have to financially contribute but he doesn’t have to have contact. How would you cope in practical terms? Stay at your existing job? Move closer to family? Could you cope financially on maternity pay?

  4. Picture yourself in 20 years time. You either a) are still with your partner who’s now an 80yr old, but no child - or b) your child is a 20 yr old who you might still be living with and you could well have met someone else. Which feels like the option that would bring more happiness?

I’m not suggesting either option is wrong but I can say that I thought I couldn’t cope but actually it’s amazing what you can do. And motherhood is wonderful in ways you just can’t ever imagine. You willingly sacrificed your desire to have a baby IIRC but life has given you different cards. This wasn’t solely on you, but the consequences will rest heavily on your shoulders if you don’t think about what you really want and what will make you happy. If that’s him not the baby that’s fine, but my worry is that this has probably torpedoed your relationship anyway because of the way he’s reacted.

Counselling will help you sort through your thoughts. The termination clinic can normally provide access to a counsellor rapidly.

This is an excellent post. Kudos to the poster who made it and her twins!

How can you love him after he has asked you to terminate? It wont be the same. This is YOUR life.

maybe you get maternity?

GivingitToGod · 23/11/2024 19:12

Cherrycola44 · 23/11/2024 16:41

I’ve had a termination, it was very sad, but looking back it was the right decision.

I also became pregnant to a man, many years later, who didn’t want to be a father. I kept the baby, found being a single parent wonderful and my child became the love of my life.

Whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself.

Show quote history

This isn't everyone's experience but glad it worked 4 u

Lougle · 23/11/2024 19:13

Things will never be the same again. Ever. Whether you keep this baby or abort it, you will always have been pregnant. On one hand, a 5 days is hardly a long time for your husband to get used to this lifechanging news. On the other, you need to know that you have choices and only you can make those choices.

Weigh it up - how would you feel if you aborted this baby and your relationship failed anyway? How would you feel if you continued the pregnancy and your relationship failed? How likely is it that your relationship will survive you aborting a baby you could only dream of?