A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

Exactly this OP. I could never love a man as hard hearted as this. He's not ancient at 60. If he is as fit and healthy as you say he is he will see the child into adulthood. It's utterly selfish of him to expect you to terminate a much wanted child. I'm sorry to say this but if you love someone you don't make them terminate a baby produced together in love even if it's an accident unless there are extremely serious issues. There are no issues here apart from sheer selfish behaviour & hard heartedness.

Actually, after reading some OP's updates, you are right.
She definitely seems to be interested in having this child.
On the other hand, comments about the partner being the "OP's world" are a bit.. unusual.
I love my husband, who is three decades older, and don't care about many other people.
That said, he isn't my world.
My world is my world, and hopefully some future just by myself, if some disgusting illness doesn't get me first!
So, I never said this, but probably give this child a chance, over the partner. 👍👏

I also don’t understand why he hasn’t had a vasectomy?

He would have to provide for his child if you separated. So financially you wouldn’t be totally alone. You would however be tied to him for many years when he might not want that.
Maybe speak to someone at Marie Stopes? https://www.icohealthgroup.co.uk/help-and-support/marie-stopes-uk/
or BPAS https://www.bpas.org/contact-us/
Either will give you time to talk through what you want and you won’t be pushed into a decision either way. But is gives you access to counselling and an opportunity to say whatever you want without judgement or emotion on the counsellor’s part.

Sorry to hear he has reacted this way, but I still stand by my thoughts on your original post. No man will ever compare or take the place of your child. Think of how much you love your partner, and think of him as your whole world. Now imagine loving another person so much you would throw your partner in front of a moving train if necessary to save the other person. This other person is your child.

Sod him, keep the baby, you will be fine.

@Babybelle81 I'm so sorry you are in this situation, I think take a little time to really think what you'd want in the long run, I think although you love this man you may end up resenting him in the long run if you chose not to keep the baby and resenting someone could lead you to fall out of love with him, xx

Relationships can end at any time but children are for life. OP if you did it alone, you may be entitled to universal credit etc.

I don't see how your relationship can survive this if you decided to abort based on HIS wishes.

You may love your DP however if doesn't sound like he cares that much about you if he's denying you the opportunity to have a child while he already has some.

If I were you, I would take a deep breath and start preparing to go it alone.

OP so much of what you say is ringing alarm bells for me. You say you have no family 'here', that you work full time but have no savings, that you have no one to talk to but you are trying to hide your pregnancy from others, that your husband is your 'whole world' after you have known him only 6 years, 5 of which as his wife and you are 43. What happened OP? I can't help picturing you as someone who is being exploited.

“Sorry to hear he has reacted this way, but I still stand by my thoughts on your original post. No man will ever compare or take the place of your child. Think of how much you love your partner, and think of him as your whole world. Now imagine loving another person so much you would throw your partner in front of a moving train if necessary to save the other person. This other person is your child.”

This. Also you’ve said a few times that he’s your whole world and the love of your life. It’s not the main point of this thread but it is unhealthy for one adult to be another adult’s whole world. There should be other people and concerns in your world. This has made you too dependent on him.

Calling him the love of your life also makes everything very high stakes - like no man could ever be as important to you as he is. Perhaps you use that terminology to justify giving up your dream of having children for him.

The truth is that he’s a man you love very much but there are potentially other men you could love very much in the world. It’s just a question of timing and circumstances which of these men you become involved with.

I understand him not wanting to have more children at age 60 - i actually think that’s fair enough. And also a reason why he shouldn’t have become involved with a woman 17 years younger and in a different phase of life.

You’ve sacrificed a huge amount to be with him. What’s he sacrificed for you? Nothing. For me, this relationship seems to be asking too much of you and very little of him.

I also agree with this. Angry because he got you pregnant?! You didnt do that alone. Keep or end the pregnancy on what you want to do, not based on saving. Relationship as it sounds unlikely you will still be with this man in a year

"I appreciate this message.
Trust me, I would love to be strong enough to go alone. However, I really do have nothing and have to work full time. The baby wouldn’t have much. 😔"

OP, depending on how much you earn, you could be eligible for a top of of universal credit if you are a single parent. They also pay up to 85% of child care costs. There is also the matter of child maintenance from the Father.

I'm with others, either way I think the relationship is over. Whatever choice you make; the relationship will never be the same. He's not supporting you at all, he's not showing the signs of being a good partner.

He loves you so much he treats you like this!?

Fuck that! You deserve more, care and compassion and understanding. He could’ve had the snip, he didn’t! That’s on him.

Putting it very bluntly…if you want this baby, you will find a way and you will have a child in your life forever. If you want that, do it. Whereas this selfish twat (who’s now shown his colours) may split up with you or could be dead in ten/fifteen years.

You want this baby. It’s obvious. If you terminate to please him the relationship is doomed. So sorry OP but my advice is to continue with this on your own. You’ll be fine. It will be ok.

I despise older men who have had their own children, then refuse to let their new, younger partner have children of their own. The selfishness is off the chart. No getting back from this. Sorry. Just tell him you're having it. If he doesn't like it, he can leave. Non-negotiable.

The thing is that if you terminate, he might well carry on as normal. But despite all you say about loving him and him being your world. A termination will eat away at you and you will end up divorcing anyway because you won’t be able to carry on and the resentment will build into hatred over the years and you will never be happy.

This relationship is dead. You and your dh just don’t know it yet.
Are you sure he is your world because you love him and that love is reciprocated (given how he doesn’t want you to experience what he has) or is he your world because there is no one else and he says he is.

I can say that a baby in all likelihood will become your world (I wonder if he knows this having done this before and he wants to be the only one in your life) and the experience of being a mum from mine and friends experience seems to make you more determined. Like you can take on the world for your child

Sometimes you have to step out into the unknown in order to move forward on the right path.

<whispers>
Who else is secretly hoping that this will become one of those ultimate MN classic threads where all being well, OP comes back in 8 months time with a birth announcement...
🤞

Totally agree with this. Five years is nothing and the fact that he is so cold speaks volumes. Whatever you decide, this relationship is over and so if you want the child, make it work.

So I thought I would add some thoughts. I had a similar situation but when I was 23! My bf (at the time) even booked my termination but they were not happy to go ahead as felt it wasn’t what I wanted and I was sent away to think about it… I now have a 19 year old and keeping her I walked away from the relationship. I was at uni at the time and things were incredibly difficult BUT things happen for a reason x

Such a lot of support on here for you OP, you’re not alone. The ideal approach to this situation, however it develops, would be that you both face it together as a couple with honest conversations about fears and feelings and working together to face the future. Your partner seems to express that his expectations of your future have been compromised and he would like things to return to normal as soon as possible: we can all feel like that sometimes, but we all know that life often has other plans for us! Cruel seeming ones sometimes. You aren’t quite sure what you want at the moment (understandably) so there a real disconnect there for both of you. His sulking and stonewalling is awful for you when you could do with love, but I think it shows that he feels guilty that he can’t ‘adult’ at present. I think he needs a little space and a little time BUT not too much, I think you need to calmly and firmly say to him that you need him to sit down and talk on xxxday at xxxtime; where you can listen completely to each other, no blaming/judging each other, each person allowed to be honest, just talking about your feelings and fears together. You don’t have to be sure about what you want yet, but I think you could to try and respectfully be there for each other just while you’re both processing this situation - whatever happens, you’ll know that you tried to face it all together. I really, really hope that things move in a positive direction for you both xxxxxx

What a tricky situation OP. I read your first thread.
I know a similar couple, almost identical ages, only he was 63. She left during the pregnancy as he couldn’t get on board with the idea of being a father again when he had grandchildren at secondary school.
She had good family support though.
It’s a daunting thought raising a child on your own if you are really on your own. Do you have parents/Siblings/Friends that would help out?
Are you absolutely sure you want to be a mother? it seems an odd choice to me, as a late 30’s woman to hitch up with a much older man if children were something you desperately wanted.
But if you are sure, you’ve got to assume you’re on your own. Plan for the worst, hope for the best. Alone, it may be easier looking after a teenager than teenager plus ageing/frail/dementia DH too!

I replied before having been in exactly the same position & now having an adult son.

It does take two to make a child & contraception does fail. Why had your partner not had a vasectomy if he was so sure about not fathering more children?

We went for counselling to BPAS & had a long discussion. Had a nuchal scan. All clear.

I knew that at my age it was unlikely l'd ever be pregnant again. So made big decision to go ahead.

It was a hard time but l had a partner who said whatever l decided he would go with it. And we did.

It's really your choice alone to make. I'd think about a few things. He could leave you at anytime even if you wasn't pregnant. Men tend to do these kind of things. With his age your more likely to have a child with a disability. Unlike a mum going it alone at a younger age with nothing, you won't have time after they leave education to save up again before you retire. Why no kids before? If because you never had that urge hormones are a powerful thing. But it's very likely your last chance. So much to weight up. Either way you need to start to build up some security for yourself. I had four kids then my first miscarriage at your age. How many weeks are you? Do what's best for you. What would regret more in five years? Being a single mum or your chance to be a mum gone?

If you terminate to keep this man who isn't worth it, the relationship will end anyway. Eventually you will see the light and realise you sacrificed a child you've always wanted for a man who was never worth it.

OP lots of women with less than you, have to go it alone. He will have to pay you CMS, but don’t know what would happen with this in the circumstance of his retirement?

So sorry OP you are in this situation. Both of you have been stupid though, to have unprotected sex with you only being 43, why would you presume meno already? Most ladies in late 40s still menstruating still would take precautions. So you are both at fault here, but your partner is being awful giving you the silent treatment when this is half his doing!!!

So what if his daughter doesn’t approve, he should be his own man and try and support, and empathise with, the partner he’s supposed to love. You say he’s your world, but he’s not coming through for you now OP, I’m disappointed with his behaviour on your behalf. You need to chat with a trusted friend or professional, someone who can help give a clear picture of your situation in the future if you keep the baby.

If you terminate I can see it affecting your future relationship as you might resent his behaviour that you felt has pushed you to make this decision.