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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

A little update…wish it was better news

766 replies

Babybelle81 · 23/11/2024 10:30

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

OP posts:
sharpclawedkitten · 23/11/2024 17:15

This old man is pissed off his plan for you to be his nurse in old age has changed and no doubt his daughter is worried about her inheritance

I thought about the care angle too.

At 60, there is quite a high risk of complications with the baby coming from his side, never mind yours. I would ditch him anyway, but I'd also take very check and scan available before going ahead with the pregnancy. Going it alone is hard with a NT and non-disabled child but would be far more difficult with a disabled child.

Irishdragon · 23/11/2024 17:15

He should be supportive , chances are your relationship won’t survive either way now!

NettleTea · 23/11/2024 17:15

despite the 5 years rather than the 20, my advice would be the same.

A child will give you far far more than any man ever can.

Especially a man who treats you this way over an accident that is just as much his doing as yours.

SiberFox · 23/11/2024 17:17

I don’t know anyone OP who chose to forego a chance of having a child for the ‘love of their life’ and didn’t subsequently bitterly regretted that, whether the relationship survived or (very, very often) not. Having a child on your own might not be the right choice for you but whatever you decide, nothing will ever be the same in your current relationship. You can’t just undo and feel blissful and lovely again with him (not blaming him at all for not wanting a baby in his circumstances btw). Be prepared for grief and resentment.

Minycat · 23/11/2024 17:22

I read your original post OP. I don’t blame him; He is 60. He may come around after the child is born or he may not. If you go for an abortion you will resent him.

You need to decide what is best for you.

One of my friends got pregnant when in her late 20s; her boyfriend wasn’t very happy; got scared; she spent most of her pregnancy alone and in bed as she had a difficult pregnancy for first 5 months. Later on he came around after the child was born and they got married, had a beautiful and healthy 19 year old daughter. Still together

Viviennemary · 23/11/2024 17:24

So has he actually said he will leave if you have the baby.

Newsenmum · 23/11/2024 17:24

Op how on earth can you only blame yourself? Did he or did he not have sex with you? The damage is done with him. A termination will not make it all better and I think you know that.

ThianWinter · 23/11/2024 17:24

Don't terminate the pregnancy. I'm not a pro-lifer but from you've said, this will be your biggest regret if you don't have the baby. Your partner is a lot older than you and heading for retirement. You are still young and have all your life ahead of you. You will manage, you'll find a way.

Floralnomad · 23/11/2024 17:24

Do you have any friends or family that you could go and stay with for a few days , even if it means going off sick , as you probably would make any decisions more rationally out of his presence.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 23/11/2024 17:27

He is not worth it, is he !
keep your baby if the pregnancy survives to 9 months.
In 5 years he hasn't even bothered to marry you.
I expect he has booked his operation now, and will never ever have sex with you or anyone else unprotected again.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 23/11/2024 17:29

btw do not ever put yourself in this position again - having no home.
YOU have a good job.

BreatheAndFocus · 23/11/2024 17:29

Babybelle81 · 23/11/2024 10:43

It’s so hard.

it’s like to worst situation. One choice is have a baby which I never thought I’d have, but then lose the love of my life, or terminate and have to live with that all on my own forever. Horrendous. I can only blame myself.

Show quote history

In your situation, I’d choose the baby. You have no idea what your partner will do in the future. I loved my partner and thought we’d be together forever - until they went off with someone else.

Never make a decision based on predictions about someone else. They can act totally unpredictably. What if you aborted this baby and then a couple of months later your partner left you? You’d have nothing and have gone through the upset of a termination for no reason. The fact your partner is sulking and refusing to discuss things is a massive red flag IMO. Don’t assume you know him or put all your trust in him.

I’ve been a mother in a relationship and a single mother too. In some ways the second was easier. There’ll be support for you for housing, benefits, etc. Think about how things could be with you and a child. I’d choose my children over any partner.

BlackFriYay · 23/11/2024 17:30

OP if you terminate you will regret it for the rest of your life, because it isn't what you want.

Don't do this to yourself for that miserable old bastards sake. If he loved you half as much as you love him he would be holding your hand right now, regardless of whether he wants another baby or not, because caring about your partner shouldn't be conditional.

Pinkpantherstrikes · 23/11/2024 17:31

You need to think about the kind of life you will be able to give the child as a single parent with little to no support. If you are financially comfortable then life will be a lot easier. It’s all well and good people saying as long as the child is loved all will be ok- but that’s not reality. Money matters, it matters a lot. And it’s hard emotionally bringing up a child, especially on your own. The most important person to consider in this is the unborn child, they must be the priority.

Scottishgirl85 · 23/11/2024 17:37

OP, it really sounds like you want your baby. You are facing being without your partner either way. He may leave you if you keep the baby, but I also don't think your relationship will survive if you abort. You will resent him for the rest of your life, and the relationship will not survive. He is showing his true colours, his behaviour is vile towards you, when you're at your most vulnerable. How can you still love him? And why don't you have much money, is he financially abusive?

Shouldbedoing · 23/11/2024 17:41

I've only read the OPs posts but I saw the last thread. I am angry with this man on your behalf. Does he know basic biology? How.dare he stonewall you, when you're vulnerable. I saw how you would have wanted a baby but you gave that chance up for him. Unfortunately, if you terminate, the relationship will be ruined because you will be broken and he will be smug or unpleasant or just brushing your pain under the carpet. Your relationship was over the minute he failed to support you emotionally and blanking you. So you'll be single, no baby, older. You might limp on for a bit. In terms of finances - I'm a lone parent, but started out in a couple who planned the DC. Mine are now teens but when they were little I had Tax Credits (now it's Universal Credit) for a top up to my salary and up to 80% help with Childcare costs such as nursery fees or Child minders, there is housing benefit if you rent. UC is relatively generous for babies under 1 and until school age. The other parent has to pay child support regardless of your personal income. It's not a terrible existence, especially if you have a job and don't step away fully from employment. Reducing hours after 1st DC made the work life balance for me. Less childcare to pay.
You have time to consider your options. Sit with this for a while.

LochKatrine · 23/11/2024 17:41

Yes, what's happened to all your money?

TheaBrandt · 23/11/2024 17:41

No sympathy for these old men who get with much younger women of childbearing age 🙄

Purplebunnie · 23/11/2024 17:45

You said OP that your baby would have very little due to your circumstances

Your baby will have your undying love - can't really want for anything more

justasking111 · 23/11/2024 17:45

@Babybelle81 my husband was furious when I got pregnant at 44. He was 50. We had DC's of 20 and 18. This went on for a few weeks. It was a friend of mine who intervened when I phoned her at midnight in tears. She came round. He woke up came downstairs to a sobbing wife and friend. After she spoke to him things improved.

He started to strut around proud to be a dad again. He wound up being much more of a hands on dad. Very proud of of this late baby.

23 years later he's very proud of his youngest.

MumblesParty · 23/11/2024 17:46

OP I think you need to get some facts first, before you make a decision.
Firstly you need a scan. A positive pregnancy test, even a strongly positive one, doesn’t necessarily mean a viable pregnancy. You need to know if the pregnancy is viable, how many weeks you are, and how long you’ve got to make a decision about terminating.

I’d also imagine scenarios. If you miscarried tomorrow would you feel sad or relieved?

Feelingathomenow · 23/11/2024 17:46

I agree with many others the relationship is most likely over. This man is behaving like a petulant child. It’s clear from your posts you want this child. This child will be the love of your life. Your partner should be supporting you, you should be able to discuss this openly and honestly. What will happen next time life doesn’t go his way. What if you became seriously ill and couldn’t work? Would he support you then? He has shown his colours and his colours are petulant manipulation to get his way.

You really will be fine. One day you and your baby will find someone who will love you both as you, not some idealised accessory to prop up their life as they want it.

JawsCushion · 23/11/2024 17:48

Why are you blaming yourself? You genuinely thought you were past pregnancy. You have done nothing wrong.

If you have this baby, and it does feel like you want him/her but are scared to, and he leaves you will forever be haunted by the fact you could have terminated such a special gift. He is not that special. He is not your whole world. Someone worthy of that would not be bullying you by the silent treatment.

He should be saying this is a shock, but he accepts it is your choice what happens not his. You both have free will. He can leave if he's that pissed off and believe me, it would be no loss.

Not a single man in this world is worth aborting a wanted child for.

dottiehens · 23/11/2024 17:48

I will be blunt about this. Have you thought of what are you bringing the baby to? You are 43 and your partner older? Let’s say you have it and cut off from your partner. Have you got any idea if something is wrong with the baby. At your age there are risks that you shouldn’t ignore. Can you see all the women who brings children with problems and how their life were reduced to being carers and very poor. What about is something happened to you without family or savings.? About your partner he is selfish obviously but the reality is that you are not spring chicken and he probably thought at your age this would not happened. May be he feel you played him but regardless it is his responsibility too.

pinotgrigeeeeo · 23/11/2024 17:50

Oh @Babybelle81 I remember your post.

I'm so sorry.

I don't have any advice. You know what your choices are and unfortunately they all involve sacrifices.

The only thing I will say in repose to your comment about only having yourself to blame - nope.

It takes two to tango. So firstly, don't beat yourself up about this. Secondly, it's really shitty if your partner won't support you, regardless of what the final decision is. This concerns both of you.

He's being an arse.