A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

I am a single parent. I was married, but one day my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. My point is that even if you had the best husband/partner in the world , fate might decide that you end up being a single parent. So, don't let the thought of being a single parent put you off. Anything, can happen to anyone, at any time.

I’ve had a termination, it was very sad, but looking back it was the right decision.

I also became pregnant to a man, many years later, who didn’t want to be a father. I kept the baby, found being a single parent wonderful and my child became the love of my life.

Whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself.

You've only been together 5 years. Did you have a property before you moved in with him?

He sounds like he is showing his true colours. So sorry that things have turned out this way for you. The only advice I can offer is to not make any decisions based on what he wants/feels. This is your choice. You are stronger than you think.

If he was so adamant he didn't want kids he should have used protection.

They have't been together for 20yrs.

They have been together for 5.

She is 43 & he is 60 & the father of her ex(?) friend-that I think is very odd of both of them.

@Babybelle81 So sorry to hear what you are going through. I had a baby in my early 40s, now the light of my life. I had all the tests available (harmony I think, it was a little while ago now) to reassure me about disability as much as is possible. There is still a much higher chance of not having a disabled child than of having one, and if you do want to have a child then this is probably your last chance so I would suggest finding a neutral counsellor to talk it through with, and talk through your partners crappy response too.

In terms of your relationship I'm sorry but I don't think your partner is behaving in a decent way and this is revealing. There are other situations - such as you unexpectedly becoming very ill or disabled and needing him to support you - that would also be different to the life he wants but no-one's fault. The fact he's not supporting you in a situation that you did not choose and was both your fault does not bode well for any such situations in the future - would he abandon you similarly if you got sick? It seems the relationship is very much on his terms and if he doesn't get exactly what he wants he'll sulk and pull away. This is red flag behaviour. A mature adult would discuss things, try and listen to your side and treat you like an equal human being and absolutely not blame you at all. Given he already has children and you don't, he is behaving very unfairly. The distinct impression is everything is on his terms, always. The fact he is making no effort to see things from your point of view does not suggest an equal relationship. Does he care at all about how you feel?

You say you have a good career, and yet that he's 'your world' which is a little concerning as does the situation with his daughter. You sound absolutely lovely and I am sure you would be absolutely fine without him in the end.

I think whatever you decide about the pregnancy, the relationship may very well not survive this situation, his crappy behaviour and apparent firm conviction that only he matters, so please do consider this possibility going forwards.

Where does she say 20 years? In the OP she says they've been together 5 years, so she was 38 when they got together.

She knew him the year before presumably because that's when she met her "best friend."

I had a child at 41 with someone who I thought was a great partner, but my life imploded a year down the line and I am now a single working parent, with no family and no support around me - but I would not change it for any riches in the world.

I also had a termination in my early 20s - I am still sad about it but I had no doubts ever about going through with it. I cant imagine how awful I would have felt if I wanted that pregnancy to continue, but was forced to terminate ((

Oh and plenty of women work full time and have a baby and are single parents. It's not impossible. It wouldn't be easy but it is completely possible. You'd be surprised what you can achieve, I think.

Your relationship will never survive an abortion, have the baby and ditch the prick.

Oh and also... you would not be 'losing' the love of your life if you decide to carry on with the pregnancy. The love of your life would be deciding to ditch you because you accidentally got pregnant - as much his fault as yours. It's his decision not some nebulous thing. Blame where it's due.

Why do you want to be with this man? I know you think you love him - how would you feel if he decided to ditch you if you get ill?

I'm sorry but his behaviour suggests he doesn't really love you that much. When you love someone properly you care about how they feel. He seems to only care about how he feels.

OP, for the love of god, this behaviour from him is abusive and manipulative. He had unprotected sex with you, and is now punishing you for the consequences of his own recklessness.

You deserve so much better.

I saw this and just wanted to say how true this is for me with my dd.

In your place, I think the relationship is over whatever you decide, so do what is right for you. Not for him. You’ve been doing that for the past 5 years. And this regardless of whether it means keeping or terminating the pregnancy.

Sadly I don’t think the love of your life is as wonderful as you think.

I know it’s been a surprise and shock for you both.

He had sex with you, unprotected sex. The fact he didn’t even consider pregnancy as an outcome or handle it maturely is shocking.

sadly I think whatever happens now may be the end of your relationship, and I’m really sorry that may be what you are facing. I hope I’m wrong.

His lack of support should tell you everything.

The love of your life will be the baby you never thought you'd have. Your partner has shown he doesn't love you nearly enough. You and your baby deserve so much more than him.

@Babybelle81 I saw your original post.

So sorry to hear you feel so alone. Is there anyone who knows you well who you could confide in without judgement and might help you decide? Are there pregnancy organisations you could seek advice from?

Only you can make the decision. However, whatever you decide, your relationship with your DP will change forever.

IMHO your DP is being very unreasonable. He knew it was a risk to use no contraception, the same as you did. He shouldn’t be angry with, or blame, you. He should be being empathetic, supportive and kind to you by asking how you feel and speaking honestly with you about how he feels.

Only you know if you’ll cope with a baby alone, or with minimal support from your DP. But lots of women are lone parents and work full time, following maternity leave. I’d at least start investigating the cost of childcare in your locality, so you can make an informed choice.

You have to make the choice that feels right for you.

If I was in your shoes, I would keep the baby and ditch the man.

Men come and go and he sounds like a miserable f*cker anyway

You really do only have 2 options here, OP. Terminate or go it alone.

Your partner is 60, with a child almost 40 and grandkids. He isn't going to want sleepless nights, be able to run after a toddler constantly, do the school plays, parents evening etc. He is at the age where people want to wind down and look at retirement, spend time with the grandkids and so on.

Honestly I don't blame him for not wanting more kids at his age, he was upfront about that and thought you were on the same page. Yes he should have had a vasectomy or used contraception but that's shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted so no use thinking about it now.

You said you were in perimenopause and thought this meant you couldn't have kids anymore, did you tell him you were in peri or did you actually tell him you were unable to conceive now? Out of interest really.

I can't give you any advice at all but I can give you my support, whatever you decide to do.

Give yourself a little time to consider your decision and make sure it's the best one for you. Good luck.

If he didn't want any more kids, there would have been a very easy way to almost guarantee that didn't happen - a vasectomy. He chose to put the onus on OP, and now he's acting as if she's done something wrong rather than supporting her.

I do not have a high opinion of this man.

‘Your world’ he may be (and no man should be that), but you are not his, op. I’m really sorry it’s happened this way, but when someone shows you who they truly are, believe them. This relationship is over either way I think, so do what you think best for your future - whatever you decide I really hope it all works out for you.

sorry, that was my mistake. I confused her with a different poster, and thought they had been together 20 years.

How can you still think he is "your world" or the "love of your life"

No decent man would treat a women he had even a tiny bit of respect for this way.

This old man is pissed off his plan for you to be his nurse in old age has changed and no doubt his daughter is worried about her inheritance.

This. Don’t like the sound of him. At all.