A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

I don't always say this but I think you should have the baby.
If you really want it you will make it work, my sister is a single mother to two and although it's been hard she has found a way and now they are in school she is working and loving life again.
I think if have an abortion you will probably regret it and be miserable.
At the end though it's your decision.. You only know what you want the most - to stay with your current partner or have a baby (probably your last chance to have a baby).
Think really hard about this.

The love of my life dumped me for a younger woman and I never saw him again....after 20 years together.

I’ve been following both your threads, Op.

I just want to say, the love of your life would not treat you the way your partner is treating you. He has also played a part in making this baby, not just you. He has not shown you love or care in this situation.

And I’m assuming, due to the age gap, that in just a few short years, he’ll be expecting you to care for him when he is elderly, even though he’s not shown you any compassion at all.

I know you’re saying that you wouldn’t be able to do it alone and the baby wouldn’t have much. Babies do not need much. Especially in the early days. All they need is safety, love and nurture which I’m sure you would be well able to provide.

There’s a thread that really sticks in my mind, I cannot remember the username. This lady found herself pregnant and only found out when she was 30 weeks, way past the termination point. She was no longer with the father and was really distressed thinking she couldn’t cope alone. She was thinking of putting the baby up for adoption, even though she (quite clearly) wanted a chance to be a mother. She thought her circumstances would mean she wouldn’t cope and wouldn’t be able to give the baby a good life.

The last update I remember was the baby was now 6 months old and thriving. Although it had been hard to adjust to life as a single mother, she couldn’t imagine life without her little boy by that point. She seemed utterly besotted with her wee baby and content with the life they have.

Even without the baby, your partner sounds like a dick. His daughter doesn’t like you for getting into a relationship with her father but doesn’t hate her father for entering a relationship with her friend almost 20 years his junior? Why is the ire focused on you and not him? Why does his daughter’s feelings trump yours?

As someone who is not maternal in the least and was really on the fence about having children. I have a 3 year old who is the absolute joy of my life. I’ve really struggled with motherhood as I have a mental health condition and I am no longer with my child’s father. I work full time in a demanding role, however, I do have some family support. If I didn’t, life would be less easy but the joy and love my beautiful child brings would make it worth it.

Good luck, Op.

At the same time, we shouldn't look at single parenthood through rose tinted glasses. It can be very lonely and I struggled enormously financially when my child was young. I worked FT also.
Your partner's behaviour is very unkind OP. Ignoring you when you are going through a rollercoaster of emotions.
Sending u strength

Many single parents make it work. If you really want the baby then I recommend that you go for it because otherwise you will end up resenting your partner, regardless things will never be the same again.

Or used contraception as he knew that Op wasn't!

I can't help thinking though that he probably perhaps thinks Op misled him on how low her chances of conceiving were.

Another vote for ditching the arsehole who is NOT “the love of your life” as someone who loves you doesn’t treat you like that.
You can work and have a baby!

I think you need to get a scan as I think you may be further along than you think you are due to having symptoms already and the first digital you did showing 3+ I think that’s the highest level the digital one goes and to get it saying that so early on makes me think you may be further along than you think, this may make having an abortion much harder. This is your baby, the baby you thought you would never have, you’ve already gave up so much for this man, do not give up your baby for him

The relationship is very probably over.

All you need to do is decide if you want to go it alone and all the practicalities that entails. You can hope he pays child maintenance. At that age he could give up work and just take his work pension if he has one to reduce his maintenance. When it comes to will you find love again, nobody knows.

I have not read every reply I could see there were a lot of anecdotes as this situation is often played out, they are not always helpful. The practicalities can be sorted, the heart of it is yours alone not mine or some other well meaning poster.

When you can face it work out your finances and housing situation, how childcare would work on your income etc.

I said on your last thread that I'd be inclined towards let nature decide.

You don't know for certain that this is a viable pregnancy. But if you have an abortion you will always dwell on the possibility.

If you decide to end the pregnancy because a scan shows a high risk of abnormalities, that's a very different decision.

I think making a decision now which can never be undone will be detrimental both to you and your relationship. In choosing his m, you could find yourself choosing neither because the man you love can never look the same in your eyes, even if his reasons are valid.

Use the talking services available to you. Do you have a counselling helpline through your work? It doesn't need to be work related and it's entirely anonymous. Or use those offered around abortion services.

You have to understand your own feelings, independent of his, before any path can be taken.

You are considering him and he is not considering you. This is no basis for a happy relationship.?

OP, I’m sorry it’s working out this way for you, I read your original post last week.

How far on are you? Have you been to see GP/ nurse to establish exact dates?
Hopefully you still have a bit of time to consider. Speak to the nurse/ family/ friends or here. Anywhere that helps you get things clear in your mind. It’s a big decision. It’s also early days for your partner to get his head round the unexpected so don’t make hasty decisions, take as much time as you can before you need to decide what you are going to do.

consider:

1. Do you want a child. It’s hard, it’s expensive and your life will change forever regardless of the fact you may need to be on your own. But it’s also joyous and rewarding and a type of unconditional love that I think only having children brings.
2. do you deep down being honest with yourself think you would always regret not having the child. No one here can answer that. This is one of the things you need to think as honestly as possible about.
3. if you don’t go ahead with the pregnancy, would you be happy in your relationship assuming it goes back to as it was? Or is it possible your love for partner will decrease knowing he didn’t support you with this situation you are equally responsible for
4. financially- could you make it work? How did you survive 5yrs ago before you got into relationship? Could you make it work again post maternity leave, with local childcare? Could you move back near family support?

Hard dilemma, I hope you can make sense of your head and heart to make the right decision for you.

I’m so sorry to read this. I think pressurising women into having an abortion should be a criminal offence. This isn’t your fault. It’s the risk any man takes when having unprotected sex. I worry about the mental health impact of you not having this baby, as you clearly want it. You just want him to want it too.

My husband is the love of my life. I can't imagine for a second the love of my life being angry with me for a pregnancy we created together and then stonewalling me in an attempt to coerce me into an abortion he knows I don't want. I don't think the love of someone's life behaves that way. Or rather, I don't think someone treats the love of their life that way. What he's doing is disgraceful and abusive.

Whether or not you decide to terminate the pregnancy, please don't do it because of romantic notions about this man. You are almost certainly talking about throwing away your final chance at motherhood. If that's the decision you make, you need to be absolutely certain it's what you want. You have a full time job so you have options. You aren't destined to be destitute and starving in the streets with a baby.

But no woman who us still menstruating knows what her chances are of conceiving. My grandmother gave birth to my dad at the age of 47. My other grandmother gave birth to her last at the age of 42. Her husband died when my aunt was a baby, I think she would have probably had more if he hadn't popped his clogs. She had 8 kids.
In those days women really did just give birth well into their 40s. I knew a woman who gave birth to her last at 52.
If you are menstruating pregnancy is possible.

You are not the only parent in this situation. This is a silly reason not to have a child if you want one... It will have you, you work, it will have an (admittedly shitty) dad and who knows where life takes you? Not having a child because you dont own a big house/ cant afford posh holidays/ private school is really silly. Wealth is fleeting, no one knows what turn your life would take, and anyone having a child in a well to do situation (marriage, husband, own house) could end up on benefits and alone. As well as other way round!

I'm not trying to convince you to have a baby - I can see you clutching at straws looking for excuses not to have it when you really want to. And the only reason you are afraid to have it is because of your shitty DP.

I agree with pp that this relationship is doomed unless your dp can get on board and support whatever you decide. If you terminate, he might still leave you anyway but my guess would be that he would forget it happened while it ate away at you. Make the best decision for yourself.

Do you want this baby or not?
If you do, act now and start a life without this man.
If not, abort with a clear conscience.

If he was really this certain he didn’t want any more children, he easily could have prevented this situation. Don’t add feelings of guilt to your current dilemma. It should be about the wishes for your own future.

OP could get all those things, though. Her life isn't a finished book.

I remember the thread.

First of all I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I do think the relationship is extremely complicated given you were his daughters best friend and she is unhappy with the situation.

I think regardless of your choice your relationship is over and you need to stand on your own two feet.

I would move back to your hometown and get a job there. You mentioned it would be easy to get a job there so I think that's where you start.

Relocate, get yourself settled.

Baby or not you need to end this relationship.

There are contradictions in your posts.

Firstly that this man is the love of your life, and secondly that you have nothing.

If you have nothing - why is that? Why after 20 years of being together are you not on the house deeds as a minimum - why are you dependant upon him to house you? Why has he not felt that you deserve the security after this period of time.

He has taken alot here - he has taken your youth and your possible future family. He has had the kudos of a much younger girlfriend. He asked you to be happy to surrender a family of your own for him - but what has he given to compensate you for that?

TBH I dont like the sound of him. You were very young when he moved on you - he was a much older man, and I gather from posts, the father of your friend. It all seems to be on his terms here. I guess he moved you in - tell me, do you run this home that you have no claims or rights to? Have you contributed financially to it?

You are exceedingly vulnerable, and he has allowed you to be so. You were only ever as secure as he allowed you to be - he could have stopped the relationship at any point and you would be left with nothing. He could have dropped dead, and Im assuming if you are not on the deeds, you would find your home passed to next of kin.

These threads come up regularly, women finding they have blindly and trustingly cohabited themselves into a hugely vulnerable position, whilst their 'partners' feather their own nest, and get free everything on tap.

Exactly. Picture yourself down the line, 5, 10 years older. Do you want a child or not? This may be your one and only chance.

Sending you postive vibes OP. 💐

Wow, I did not realise how shit this situation was. OP, have your kid. Seriously. Your partner is a horrible person and a predator, he owes you this.