A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

I think the relationship is done. Either way keeping the baby or termination. At this point I think op you should listen to to your heart. Wishing you all the best.

And if he really didn’t want anymore children he should have had a vasectomy!!!

Selfish fucker

Oh and if you do have any savings I would be buying gold and getting out cash and getting a decent fire proof safe so that it doesn’t push you above any benefits / UC savings limits.

You are in a very difficult situation but the man you love is not behaving in a loving or kind way. You both ended up here together. I am so angry on your behalf that he is cutting you out and making his own view clear when it is your body and your opportunity to have children and you who will bear the greater burden.
Fwiw years ago the 'great love of my life' told me to take the morning after pill the next morning (and he knowingly had unprotected sex aware I wanted a baby). I didn't, and it turned out I wasn't pregnant, but his behaviour was shockingly immature. ultimately I discovered I. wanted children more than I wanted him.
i have grown up among women who planned or unplanned had children alone. I have children without a partner. Work out your priorities and the practicalities will follow.

This x 1000

I saw your earlier thread. You clearly want the baby and as ending a pregnancy is a really hard decision EVEN when you don't want the baby I think there is zero chance of you retaining your peace of mind if you go that way.
You said you had a decent career. You can absolutely do this and he can get on board with it or not. You aren't responsible for his feelings, you can only look after yourself and your child.

Oh and by the way - the great love of my life went on to have children... with someone else. It's always an option for men. if you want a child your chance is now. Please do not go against your own desires to placate him. Please.

You will be entitled to maintenance from the father, so you/your child will have that.

The only thing you can’t replace in the future will be the baby, so you have to be very sure op. At your age. This might be your last chance.

I think this nails the situation. I read your original post and my heart went out to you. But it takes two to make a baby and the way he is treating you now is appalling.
You would manage on your own despite what you think and I’m not sure there will be any long term future for you as a couple with or without the baby.
It has to be what you want based on the situation you are finding yourself in. But you will be stronger than you can imagine possible. Just don’t make a hasty decision.
Good luck with whatever you decide x

Please think about how you’ll feel about him if you end up going through with an abortion you don’t want to have. Do you think you will be able to get over having the man who is supposed to love you treating you like this? Whatever happens with the pregnancy, he’s shown his true colours.

I really don't think you should terminate OP.

First, it doesn't sound like you want to.

Second, I think you're relationship will be over if you terminate. I don't think either of you would get over the resentment of him pressuring you to go through with that, it'd never be the same relationship again. How could it be?

I actually think if you keep it... No 1 it's what you want, and no 2 he might come round and be apologetic, and the relationship is salvageable.

I honestly don't think it's salvageable if he pressures you into an abortion. I think both of you won't feel the same about the other after that

Yes. The nurse with a purse he had lined up for his later years is going to have another call on her attention and her (unpaid) labour. He will not be your expected centre of attention after all. I am not surprised he's pissed off.

OP I did read your original thread and like you I am 43 and childless, mostly through circumstances and life vagaries. My partner has 4 children already with the youngest one being only 15 years old and he adamantly refuses to have another child. He is however sensible and intelligent enough to realise that if he refuses a vasectomy and/ or condoms then ultimately the decision will be mine. Your relationship is ruined already and of course you can do this alone, I think you cannot fully imagine the strength and depth of emotions and determination that will fill you when you have your baby. You can do this!

Why are people saying he's abusive or a bully and should have had a vasectomy? OP could gave taken precautions too but they BOTH thought pregnancy was not on the cards

He said he didn't want more children and OP accepted this.

He's as anxious as OP but hasn't got the decision to make so is in denial.

This is a very sad, not bad and black and white situation for both. I understand his reaction but I feel so sad for OP having the final decision.

OP, I think you know your decision deep down so follow it 💐

Because of his response to the OP and her pregnancy, @EveryOtherNameTaken .

Life exists after love... there are MILLIONS of other men in the sea and you could be happy with loads of them (you can also find happiness alone) however this might be your only chance at the child you always wanted.

You have a good strong career so you must have your own money, its not like you are 16 and starting out with nothing. I have several friends who have had kids alone by choice just a bit younger than you (35-40) and they are living great lives with their own mini me best friends now. You might not be in a perfect position (but no one ever is when they have a kid honestly) but you CAN do this.

If you don't already have any then start saving (in your own bank not joint) so you can move if needed but you got this. If he wants to be nothing more than a deadbeat sperm donor then thats on him, I grew up with a dad like that and never cared, I had the best childhood with just my mam.

I’m really sorry OP, I predicted this might happen but I didn’t know he would be such an arsehole about it.

It’s very telling of who he is as a person that despite the fact it is not your fault, and both your responsibility he’s not actually supporting you through a traumatic experience at all.

That does not bode well for your relationship going forward.

If my dp became angry with me due to a pregnancy he had contributed to I would leave him. I would pack my bags and leave. How dare he make this even harder for you. No decent man would behave like this op. Where is his humanity? You sound so upset and you are carrying his child.

You might not be in a perfect position but you are working, you are old enough to be responsible. There are a much harder positions to ge in. There should be plenty of support from ante natal groups, health visitors, midwives, a whole world of support if you need it. You won’t be alone.

You've got a good job, I'm guessing savings, you'll get a year off work and you'll get a good pension when the time comes.
If you decide to go it alone, you will be ok. It'll be tough, but you'll be able to manage.
If you genuinely want a termination, that's your choice, but either way, please get counselling about this whole situation.

I’ll tell you what I’d do in this situation. I would absolutely keep the baby. You will resent him in the future if you abort & I think the relationship would end anyway. Then you will be without your relationship AND without your child.

I’m not against abortion, I’ve had one but I definitely wouldn’t in your situation.

Is there perhaps a middle ground, could you discuss having the baby and having them adopted? I'm just wondering if he might come round over time or if actually holding your baby would make your mind up for you?

I appreciate it would be incredibly hard emotionally for you if you went through with your pregnancy and then gave your child up for adoption but it might give you breathing space to see how things are between you and DP then so that you can make an informed decision?

Sending you strength at this difficult time OP, there are no right or wrong decisions, just look after yourself and be led by your feelings 💐

Nothing wrong is being childfree but OP would not be starting this thread/ agonising over her choice if she was definitely not interested in having a child.

@Babybelle81
What is your instinctual gut reaction when asked
Do you want to have this baby?

Also the reason i think your relationship definitely won't last a termination is two fold: you will resent him and he will probably feel guilty about what he made you do every time he sees you. I don't think your relationship will last a termination when you aren't united on the decision.

It could last if you have the baby and he eventually comes on board.

Either way, I wouldn't factor the relationship into your decision on whether to keep the baby.