A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

This is such a terribly vulnerable position to be in, even without the pregnancy.
I hope whichever choice you make, you will work on this as no one person can / should be your world. Humans are fallible, so this could be quite detrimental to your well-being if the relationship fails 💐.

Exactly - what if OP terminates and the relationship doesn't last, anyway?

He's the past. The baby is the present and the future. OP, you will get far, far more love and joy from having this baby than you ever will from the miserable old git you're with.

OP from the sounds of it this may be your last opportunity to have a baby.

Yeah financially your situation may not be ideal but there will be support out there if you do go ahead with the pregnancy.

By the sounds of it, if you abort and the relationship still ends then you will find yourself in similar financial position with a lof of regret.

Ive been thinking of you since your last post.

Forget his feelings for a second, forget the money worries, job concern, etc - do you want this baby?

This in buckets, OP.

When I had my DC, I was broke and homeless. 16 years later, I am a professional on nearly 40K. Not loads (compared to some earnings on here) but this is a lot to me. I also made a lot of single parent friends and had quite a network of support through them.

You will be entitled to maternity leave and, fortunately, we have a benefits system which supports parents in these situations and help you with rent and childcare.

You have options and support out there.

So difficult. If your partner stated he didn't want kids did you agree that you are happy not to have kids? It's difficult as it doesn't sound ideal to be bringing a baby into this however tough times don't last forever and there's no guarantee you will be with this man forever.

I think ultimately you need to ask yourself do you want children one day? Or are you happy to be childless.

You say your baby wouldn't have much but don't underestimate how valuable love is.

I know many children of single parents who are far 'richer' than those children of two parents surrounded by material things.

Good luck whatever you choose.

It would be safe, happy and loved.

Speaking from experience, abortion will not fix everything by putting you back to where you were before. Everything will be different. All the reasons you think are justifiable now, you will view entirely differently afterwards. You will view him differently afterwards. Please, please don’t rush a decision in the hope of fixing the situation. It just won’t work that way.

ive been thinking about you so thank you for the update.

Do you want the baby, really, really want the baby.? If the answer is yes, then go for it, it’s your body, your choice!
If the love of your life isn’t happy that’s his problem.

However, if you decide to terminate, then please do not shag the love of your life until he has a vasectomy. End of, No discussion! Tell him that’s the way it will be, if you need to have a medical procedure , then so does he!

good luck in whatever you choose to do .

I can’t remember if you said you were married or not? If you’re not, I would be looking to see if your relationship is more one sided and you like him more than he loves you. Which is the picture I’m getting because he isn’t supporting you in any way regardless of his overall position. It takes two people to make a baby, he can’t just pull up a trump card when a situation like this arises.

I wouldn’t stay with this man as I don’t think he would ever do anything nice for you. Would he nurse you through a terminal illness if it impacted on his life and hobbies? Just because he is older doesn’t mean he will be the one to get ill health first.

I would personally keep the baby and go it alone, I'm an older mum and I just love it! I don’t miss going to bars and restaurants, I absolutely love seeing my toddler develop through their milestones and just being a mum. I feel complete now, and I was never maternal before, I was the career women, but now I look at colleagues and feel sorry for the ones where the industry made them choose between getting to the top and having a baby. They may be at the top but all they do is work and look run down!!

The government supports those with children, get on the support calculators and see what you would come out with working reduced hours and UC, they also contribute 85% childcare costs and there are government funded childcare hours for all workers.

I was in the playground and heard a women talking to her dad about getting a better PCP car and her saying she gets £33k NET a year from UC, kids dad (imagines it’s just what they are forced to pay) and I don’t think it sounded like she worked!

I would investigate. I would put your wants first. It’s not all about having a partner. I don’t have a ready made support network, I have befriended my neighbours!

I'd say keep the baby. I expect he will come round in the end.

I can't imagine life without my DS.

OP, you're going through a very difficult situation, I'm really sorry you feel so lonely 🙏
Is there any women's organisation you could go to for help and companionship? Even a church group? Some work mate?
Obviously I am a random stranger on the internet, so you don't have to take my advice: however, I just wanted to share that I don't think any man can be your whole world (any person, for that matter). I say this fully aware that I feel the same about my DH. But when we find ourselves in a very important crossroad in life, we need to go within. And trust that God/Life/The Universe (much bigger than anyone of us) has its own ways.
I'd say go within and listen.
I wish you the best 💐

Either way, your relationship will never be the same

How can you be with a man, who, faced with a problem of his own making, simply doesn't talk to you? Shuts down, freezes you out?

It's immature at best, cruel at worst.

Even if you terminated the pregnancy, I'm not sure your relationship could recover from that.

OP, it sounds as if you're very anxious, and maybe catastrophising a little. You CAN cope on your own. He will have to help support the baby, and if you don't earn enough to live on your own, there are benefits for mothers and babies. You will not end up homeless - the baby does have a father and a grown-up family. No one is going to see you or your baby on the streets. You would qualify for housing and maybe other help because you'd have a baby.

Once the shock has worn off, he will see that he has to help you and the child financially, even if he doesn't want to help raise it. But do try not to let your mind go to dark places. Between your work, the child support contributions that he will be legally obliged to make, and help from social services, you WILL be able to manage on your own. Not saying it will be easy, but you'd have the joy of your child. Terminating and then living in this relationship won't be easy either.

Team Baby all the way! SO many congratulations on your pregnancy!💐

Wise words.

OP I think I posted early on your last post. I accidentally fell pregnant with twins and split with the father when I was 6 weeks pregnant.

No family near me, huge mortgage to pay on my own (wasn’t living with ex so mortgage was mine alone), demanding job…..and TWINS!! 😳

I went for a termination clinic but I just cried and cried. They sent me in for a chat with the onsite counsellor. The upshot was I didn’t have the termination.

That was 15 years ago. Best decision I ever made. I never realised how much you could love a child and how much they could love you.

There is ALWAYS a way to sort things out. Always. It might be hard at times but you are clearly an intelligent woman - you’ve got a good career so you’ll have options. Your life might not look like it does now but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t do it.

I am pro-choice - but your comments made it clear that you want this baby. He is treating you terribly - he doesn’t sound like the man you think he is.

Maybe try picturing the following:

1. You have a termination and stay with him - will you resent him? Will he merrily carry on with life, relieved, while you’re left to get over what’s happened? How would you feel towards him - would your relationship bounce back?

2. You have a termination and you split up, either because of the resentment or because he leaves you. Will you regret having lost what is probably your last chance to have a baby?

3. You don’t terminate and he vanishes from your life. He’ll have to financially contribute but he doesn’t have to have contact. How would you cope in practical terms? Stay at your existing job? Move closer to family? Could you cope financially on maternity pay?

4. Picture yourself in 20 years time. You either a) are still with your partner who’s now an 80yr old, but no child - or b) your child is a 20 yr old who you might still be living with and you could well have met someone else. Which feels like the option that would bring more happiness?

I’m not suggesting either option is wrong but I can say that I thought I couldn’t cope but actually it’s amazing what you can do. And motherhood is wonderful in ways you just can’t ever imagine. You willingly sacrificed your desire to have a baby IIRC but life has given you different cards. This wasn’t solely on you, but the consequences will rest heavily on your shoulders if you don’t think about what you really want and what will make you happy. If that’s him not the baby that’s fine, but my worry is that this has probably torpedoed your relationship anyway because of the way he’s reacted.

Counselling will help you sort through your thoughts. The termination clinic can normally provide access to a counsellor rapidly.

The fact you seem to want this baby will mean you'll probably feel differently towards him or end up resenting him if you terminate. Becoming pregnant is life changing for many women as a new future opens up. I think your relation may have already changed for good especially as he is refusing to engage and discuss it properly.

OP, there have been many times where I have read a post on here and thought a termination is the better choice. Often women in shitty relationships with multiple kids already or a mum posting about her teen daughter...

In your situation and taking what you have posted in good faith, I say continue with this pregnancy.

Your partner has shown you that it isn't what he wants and your relationship won't survive a termination.

You say 'he is your world', well you aren't his. To a degree I can understand why he doesn't want this baby, but you do. You do OP.

This won't be easy at all, but in your shoes I would wait out the 12 week mark and then start to make plans to separate.

Many of us have managed to raise kids alone. You will too.

Let's not cloud things though. I don't think posters should tell her not to terminate, that's op's call to make. It's one thing to want a baby, its another when working long hrs that may not be compatible with child care and other support. Of course this depends on if she's able to work things out with her partner too.

Op, you say you literally have nothing but work full time. Are you paying for most of the bills around the house? Do you have any savings? Sorry.

The way he is behaving towards you is abusive. You are the most vulnerable you have ever been and he’s behaving in this way. It’s disgusting.

If it was me I’d ditch him and have the baby. I’d never give up one of my children for a man! They are the loves of my life and no man has ever come close.

And you will absolutely cope.

Sadly whatever happens OP your relationship is over. Pretty sure on your original post you said you gave up having children for him as he is so much older. You've been gifted this baby. Take it as a sign. And yes you can go it alone. Lots of us do. It's not easy but it's not always hard either.

Please get professional help. You are a person in your own right, not just half of a couple.