A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

“Horrendous. I can only blame myself.“

Nope.

It is HIS fault.

If he didn’t want more kids, he should have had a vasectomy. He’s 60 and could continue to be fertile till he dies. You won’t continue to be fertile in your 60s and beyond. If HE didn’t ever want more kids, HE should have sorted HIMSELF out.

I'm so sorry, it's an awful situation. I think he's an arse given he made zero effort to prevent pregnancy he didn't want, but that's probably not very helpful now. Look after yourself.

If he was so adamant he didn't want any more children, why did he has a vasectomy?

It's a bit late now the horse has bolted out the paddock and down the lane.

This is truly heartbreaking and I'm sorry you're going through this.

If it were me, having a baby I never thought I'd have trumps losing the love of my life. As you said, you will have to live with a termination for the rest of your life which will probably make you resent him. I don't want this to come across bad, but is he truly the love of your life if he's making you feel this way?

Keep the baby and start your next chapter. You can do this on your own too, please don't think you can't cope because you can and will! Mum and baby groups can also offer you support.

My partner of 10+ years didnt want children and i thought I couldn't conceive. Fast forward and I've got the most amazing nearly 1 year old son (completely out of the blue conception). I thank my lucky stars every day that he's mine.

Good luck with everything xxx

This
from @Apolloneuro
"Personally, I don’t think there is a man walking on this planet who is worth more than one’s child."

Couldn't agree more.

"The love of your life" ??
Really.
I would have nothing but disdain for any man who treated me like this.
Whether you continue with your pregnancy or not, I'd certainly terminate my relationship with him.
Id like to bet that your child will love you more than this shit does .

Don't blame yourself, it takes two to make a baby. What's done is done.

I remember in your previous thread, what struck me is how you really did want the baby now you are pregnant.

You were also worried about your husband's adult daughter, who is a mother, going spare about it; you used to be friendly and she didn't like you getting with her dad.

However, unless you broke up your husband's previous marriage, and it didn't sound like it, you have done nothing wrong and she would get used to the idea eventually.

Whichever path you choose, your marriage is likely to be in difficulty.

You say you have no-one and I sympathise but you do, from your own admission, have a decent job and career and you could find somewhere to live on your own with your baby. Your husband would most likely want to be involved then (but that could take time).

If you had an abortion I think you would be heartbroken and eventually blame your husband.

It seems like a no-win situation whatever you decide but it is amazing how much joy a baby can bring and people do make friends during pregnancy and when their child is small.

I'm so sorry OP you deserve to be celebrated at this time of your life.

I think it's probably your last chance to have a baby, if you have felt in the past like you'd like to be a mother than I would see this as a meant to be situation!

You didn't get yourself pregnant! If it was so important to him, he could have had the snip.

Try to tune into what you really want and go with that. Do you want to be a mother and know the love he shares with his daughter or do you want to be without a baby but in a relationship that made you happy. Ask yourself if you'd still be happy in the relationship if you felt pressurized into a termination.

I'm so sorry that you have this dilemma. I think I would choose baby but everyone is different, time into what you want first before considering other people's opinions!

This 💯

OP if I remember your last thread correctly your DH has children from a previous relationship but has refused to have a vasectomy. Why is he not taking responsibility if he doesn’t want any more children ? I know you say he is the love of your life but I don’t think the relationship can survive either scenario you describe here. You need to take the rose tinted glasses off for long enough to realise that he’s a selfish arse. He doesn’t want more children but he’s ignoring your needs and knows you’re pregnant with a much wanted baby. And now you’re getting the silent treatment until you do what he wants. I’ll be honest, I would have the baby and let the cards fall where they may. If he wants to end the relationship then so be it, because on this showing you’re better off without him. And please don’t let him gaslight you into thinking this is your fault. It takes two to make a baby.

I know a man who has married a woman 20years younger than him. He has taken early retirement and jokes to everyone that she's his pension plan (she works FT) and his future carer.

You could terminate and he could still leave.

You can always find another man, at your age you are unlikely to have any other chance of having a child.

If that is something that you really want I wouldn't choose him over the baby. And if you aren't particularly fussed and terminate, you need to figure out how to gather a support system, because he can still leave you at any point.

I don't envy you. However you're not to blame! If he didn't want anymore children he could have opted for a vasectomy.

You do need to think of all outcomes. What if you terminate and then he leaves you?

When I fell pregnant after believing I was infertile I booked a telephone appointment for a termination. But I realised that I could not face a future where I had terminated. Even if I ended up alone or with a disabled child, I knew I could make it work. But mentally I couldn't go through with a termination and i think it would have ended our marriage.

I know from your previous posts that you weren't sure on the dates. Could you go for a private scan, it would give you some idea of how far along you are and how much time you have to make a decision.

I read your first thread OP, sorry you didn’t get the reaction you wanted from your partner. I think his response is very immature and would really make me second think my relationship with or without the baby. He is just as responsible for the pregnancy as you are.

choose whatever you think is best for you.

Also picture yourself in 20years! There is a high chance he will be dead/in a nursing home or you will be spending your days wiping his arse at home. Whereas if you ditch him and keep your child you could be going on holiday or out to dinner with your 20year old son or daughter.

Kids keep you young, grumpy, controlling older husbands don't.

Lots of women become lone parents and cope. In your last thread it seemed pretty clear you wanted your baby and I would strongly recommend not terminating for this selfish man. You may adore him but the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, does it?

I've thought of you often since your last thread. Sorry things are painful. Do what your heart wants, ignoring a man who's giving you the silent treatment

I appreciate this message.
Trust me, I would love to be strong enough to go alone. However, I really do have nothing and have to work full time. The baby wouldn’t have much. 😔

This
If you terminate OP, you will need to be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions re your partner, the most likely one being resentment. This can be corrosive and I hope you get some counselling , whatever your final decision is.
Sending you strength and support. Do u have a close friend who u can tell ALL to?
This might make u feel less alone

It kinda is like that yes. I think he will literally carry on and be normal. That’s all that has been going on since we got the news.

If he gets angry and is not supporting you he is not the love of you life. He is just a man. My children are the love of my life, I de-centred men a long time ago.

You don’t share your dp’s fortunes or wealth. This is not a good relationship and this pregnancy just reveals it. They say “better to be an old man’s darling than a young man’s slave” but this man doesn’t treat you like a darling. I can see that you have been under a lot of passionate delusions about him but the fact that you are so financially disadvantaged in the relationship must now be clear to you.

OP, how can he treat a pregnant woman like this? He's effectively shunning you, while you're pregnant, for the first time, with a baby he's just as responsible for creating as you are.

Quite apart from the issue of whether to keep the baby or not, are you sure he's quite the man you think he is? When complex times come, you often get to see people's true colours. I'm a little older and I've seen some extremely poor behaviour from people at flashpoints in life, and I was never able to respect them again. I lost all trust and faith in them.

In his shoes, even if I didn't want more children, I could never be so cold-hearted to someone who is pregnant, and pregnant for the first time, at that.

He doesn't deserve you and your baby, OP. And just who does he think he is, treating you this way? No one forced him to have sex without contraception, no one blocked his way to the vasectomy chamber. I'm so mad at him on your behalf.

Be very clear: You will be dumped after the termination as he will never want this to happen again.

It will be a BIG mistake for you to terminate.
Your feelings will not be taken into consideration at all and the disrespect will increase massively.

After menopause, you will no longer want to have sex with this man again; this is your last surge of hormones messing with you. You will hate him.