A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

I expect his daughter is in his ear saying she's not going to be happy if he goes ahead with a baby with her ex-best friend.

The relationship won't survive this so just do what makes you happiest.

I'm so sorry to read your update OP. I can't imagine how it must feel. I tried to think about how I would feel in your situation if I became pregnant & deep down I knew I wanted the baby but my DH (despite being older) was all for me having a termination.

I'm sorry to say I think I'd be devastated he felt like this about our baby together, especially if he knew I'd always longed to have a child. It would certainly make me question his feelings for me & his reaction would make me wonder if I really knew him.

Whatever you decide I wish you well OP. Life throws us many curved balls & this is one of them. Stay strong.

Sorry but he doesn’t love you. If he did, he wouldn’t behave like this. Your relationship is now dead as whatever you decide to do will be a lasting reminder for one of you. Keep the baby if you want it, because if you get rid of it, you’ll hate your partner.

sorry but codependency isn’t love. A grown woman saying “he's my world” and “I love him beyond words” is a sign that you’re attached and not in love.

You will never forgive him, and if you terminate you will be dealing with all those emotions on your own. If you have your much wanted baby, the baby will become the love of your life, not this man.

I really don't think you should choose this man who could one day leave you anyway, over a much wanted baby. No man is worth that.

One way of looking at it is that either way your relationship is probably over?

If you have a termination, you might have nothing.

A lot of posters are talking about how the child will 'be there for you' and stop you being alone in later life, but that is not a guarantee. My main concern in your situation would be having a child with severe disabilities. You are 43 and your partner is 60. That is going to raise the risk of, for example, autism significantly. Could you cope with looking after a child which depends on you for the rest of your life?

A real man would not go on like this, let alone a man in his 60s who is acutely aware of how babies are made the risks you were both taking.

OP as others have said, I do think either way this relationship is over and you need to think really seriously about whether you want to go this alone. Plenty do. But you’ve got to want to do it and not be hanging on for him to play happy families.

I do agree with this. You have said he's your world over and over. That's not healthy. and it's not love. And he certainly doesn't feel the same way about you.

Didn't you say in your last thread that he is significantly older than you? Sorry to be blunt, but you are likely to have many more years of your life without him in it when he is gone, and will you then regret not having this child? I wouldn't throw your last chance of motherhood away because he is not dealing with it in a mature way. He is showing you his true colours. As this was unplanned he should be supporting you and you both should be figuring this out together. Incidentally, why is he still your partner after 5 years - has he dragged his heels about committing to marriage too. It sounds like you are more into him than he is to you sadly.

I agree. You can get another partner but this is the last chance for a baby. Plus he has to support it financially. He had unprotected sex so it was a possibility and if he felt that strong he should have had the snip or used a condom.

your DP is acting terribly OP….you poor thing. He has his children, you don’t. When anything happens to him, you will have nobody, his failure to only see his side is bloody appalling to be honest.

@Babybelle81 what would you say to your best friend?
The idea of letting go of one life that you love for another which is completely unknown must be terrifying. I think in your situation I would be considering each situation: the baby you have always longed for, probably your last chance, and a miracle baby it seems, but potentially doing that completely alone. The other situation is carrying on as you were, but your relationship and the way you feel has changed forever, because how can you love and respect a man who emotionally manipulated you into an abortion you didn’t want?
FWIW in these circumstances- and I am pro choice, and have had an abortion previously- I would continue with the pregnancy and bear the consequences with the relationship. I think I would secretly hope that he had a change of heart and want to be involved, but be prepared to go it alone. Single motherhood is common and doable and there are lots of clubs, organisations and places to get advice.

Your relationship is finished.

I'm sorry but it will never recover from this.

You should have the baby as this is your last chance and find someone who would never put you through this.

The risk is higher but definitely not a given considering so many women nowadays go on to have perfect babies in their 40s. Statistics say around 2% of women pregnant in their 40s have a child with abmormalies. This means 98% go on to have healthy babies.

Errrrrr no. You can share 50% blame with the man who's sperm contributed to this situation.

And him not talking to you in order to force your hand is vile. He has no compassion or care about how you are feeling. Even if you don't have the baby, I would be dumping him

Hi OP, I read your post the other day and just saw this one. I just wanted to say that the way he is treating you sounds immature and unfair. This wasn't your fault and it's absolutely natural for you to consider having this baby. What I'm trying to say, in a roundabout way, is that someone who treats you like this, with very little empathy by the sounds of it, during a really difficult time, is perhaps not the person you ought to be with for the long haul despite how much you love him.

Do you know the Rumi quote about joy at sudden disappointment? It's about how things can happen that seem awful and unsurvivable even, but they turn out to be the best thing that could possibly have happened. I wonder if this pregnancy could be that, highlighting lesser qualities in your partner, perhaps directing you towards a new path, at the same time as bringing something wonderful that you'd previously wanted and yet written off as impossible into your life.
Whatever happens, I wish you all the very best.

OP it sounds like you will regret an abortion. If have one your relationship will prob be over or ruined anyway.

YOU are the boss of you. It you want your baby have it. Don’t let a man dictate your life.

He will get over it and be involved or he won’t. Either way you will have your baby.

YOU WILL BE OK OP ❤️❤️❤️❤️

^^ this. I read your other thread, including about his relationship with his adult daughter.

It will have been a shock for him, but I wouldn't expect the love of your life to behave in that manner towards you.

If you want this baby then do so - as others have said, how would you feel if you didn't go ahead and the relationship broke down anyway? 💐

If you have the baby & you split up will you resent/blame the baby for the end of the relationship?

OP you need to pack that nonsense in about blaming yourself.

BOTH of you had unprotected sex. Sex leads to pregnancies.

He might not be happy but he’s absolutely out of order laying this at your door.

Do not terminate a wanted (by you) baby. At 43 this is likely the last opportunity you’ll get to be a mum.

Tell him that has a choice. To stay with you or leave you. In either scenario you expect him step up to his responsibilities but he’s going to be a dad again and the faster he gets his head around that, the better for all concerned.

From his POV I suppose it is annoying to think that the carer/cleaner/cook/sex partner you’ve sorted for your twilight years is likely to stop worshipping your every move and pay attention to another living being.

Utterly awful situation for you. No real advice. However, if you were to terminate, could you carry on your relationship with him? That I think is the question. I wish you luck. It will all in the end be fine. x

I read your original post & am so sorry to hear of this update.
It seems you have a straight choice to make - 'him vs the baby'.
If you go ahead & have the baby against his wishes he will either leave now
or make your pregnancy (& possibly the whole life of the child?) a real misery.
And if you terminate & stay together you may resent him & he will want it swept straight under the carpet & you to be instantly jolly & never mention it again.
Any relationship can end for any reason at any time too.

OR you could decide to go it alone & have your child.
He may be 'the love of your life' but he is behaving very poorly (it takes two!)
If you want to you CAN do this without him.

I hope you can get some RL support to think through this really important decision.

I think this has a very loud ring of truth to it.