A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

@Babybelle81

Right, I am going to get shot down for saying this but, say you terminate, and a few months... a few years down the line he breaks up with you.
What will you have?* *
He'll still have his family - his children in his life.
BUT, what about YOU @Babybelle81 ?

I would seriously take PP advice and go to your GP, get an early scan (private if needs be) and look at your options from that point on.
Please whatever you do, don't rush into any decision to appease your partner.
Think long and hard what you want and how you picture your future .

Sending you a virtual hand hold x

This is one of the saddest posts I have read. I'm so sorry OP.

It's just such an unfortunate situation where neither of you has changed minds or done wrong.

I can imagine how much pain you feel having to be the decider in this.

There are so many scenarios that could unfold as well as keeping this to yourself.

You could stay, regret and resent him after a termination
Leave and miss him or leave him and he slowly becomes more involved.
What if you split up down the line and never forgive yourself for not going ahead alone.
Also as you are older consider the possibility of Downs syndrome and how that would affect your work/care balance when they are young.

Please keep talking to us MNers, we are supporting you 💐

No but she would have done it on her own if she had to like I did.

I think this is sound advice.
Given how he is acting, then there's not necessarily any coming back from this anyway.

Don't worry, you will end up loving and needing your kid a lot more than this worthless excuse for a partner. Good to see how much he has your back when the chips are down. I was worried when you said bad news that something had happened to the baby. Phew, it is just another adult man acting like a prick. Stop the press. Becoming a mother is the best thing life has to offer.

OP, this might sound harsh but imagine you terminate and then a year down the line he leaves you anyway?

I think you need to objectively think whether this man is worth your time anyway.

Your post was about your sister. She became a Mum at 45. You never mentioned the main problems the OP is facing, and only now refer to your own single parenthood.

Sorry but I think he sounds horrible.

DH doesn't want any more dc's but I'm the same age as you and if I fell pregnant he'd be nothing but supportive. Because hes not a selfish dick.

Stonewalling you and telling you he won't discuss it are not the actions of a decent man who cares about his wife. What an arsehole!

Sounds to me like the relationship is doomed either way - if you abort your baby you'll never forgive him. He doesn't deserve you imo.

Could you go on loving him if you terminated the pregnancy or would resentment tear you apart?

It takes 2 to tango and if he so clearly didn't want children he should have taken precautions.
Is he really the love of your life if he has acted this way by taking no responsibility? What happens if you split up OP aand you were left with nothing.
I can imagine it is a huge shock to him but he needs to step up to his own mistake.

⬆️

So sorry @Babybelle81 this is sad news. Honestly, I don't think you can make a quick decision on this one. A much wanted, if unexpected, baby is an incredibly hard thing to give up. I think the fact he won't support you in this reflects very badly on him. Not you. He is a grown up and has equal responsibility for contraception. If he was 20 years younger most people would be telling you he needs to step up. The same is true here too. He is basically sulking and expecting you to take the blame. What a coward.

Being a single mum is hard, but not impossible. And if you decide to go ahead then you will love the child far more than this sulking man-baby. What is far more important is that you are happy. If you terminate you will resent him forever more and the relationship will end anyway. Choose what is best for you in the long term.

If you sacrifice this for him, you will never really forgive him.

You say he is your everything, can’t exist without him - but you realise that at any point and for any reason he can leave you?
Imagine he does just that, in a few years, and you’re left without him and without a child.

Why can you only blame yourself? He had unprotected sex with you right?

Stop being a martyr - I would be so angry at my dh if he acted like this - why aren't you thoroughly pissed off? He has no right to be angry with you, he should've had a vasectomy if he was that bothered about unplanned pregnancy.

It sounds to me like you are the "giver" in the relationship and he usually gets his own way? Does he usually get angry and ignore you when you don't dance to his tune?

One thing you are learning, that you can’t unlearn, is that you are disposable to him. You had five wonderful years and he is your everything. But to him you are just something, not everything. He doesn’t care that, if you don’t have this child, you will be left alone without family when he dies. He doesn’t take your wants and needs seriously. How can you come back from that knowledge?

I'm so sorry OP. I read your first thread and I wish things had gone better.

Well, you're obviously not the love of his life. I'm sorry because that sounds cruel, but he's not being caring or supportive in the least.
Please get some counselling and help.

You want this baby don’t you?
If so, everything else must come second?
Do what YOU want to do. But I guess you already know what you want to do
Much love

This ^^ @Babybelle81 I too read your previous post. As others have said too, this man clearly does NOT love you the way you think you love him. Sulking and refusing to even talk to you is immature, cruel, and entirely self-centred of him.

I suspect he sees his potential, pre-paid for, live in nurse which he may need in a few years time and in his old age, not being able to look after him as much, or at all, if there is a young person taking a lot of your attention away from him.

I am in agreement with all the other ppl who say that whatever happens, it is almost certain that your relationship can never remain the same, whichever option you choose, and will probably fail totally.

I am so sorry.

No matter what you do, the relationship has already changed by his attitude and lack of accepting responsibility it takes two to make a baby.
I recall the exact moment ( was alone in bathroom ) of the positive pregnancy test of a planned DC, in a stable relationship.
My own and no one elses responsibility from now on for another human and sheer the enormity of it.
My DP could leave in future, be ill, pass away etc.
Both my mother and grandmother had been single mothers and managed , one like many others during and after WW2.
Women manage daily to bring up children alone without a network of a family. You find a network through the child/playgroups/school.
Childhood passes in a flash although at the time you wonder if you ever get a nights sleep.
If your DP, being a parent already , doesn't care about YOU being a parent right now too , let him.
It's not that you tricked him.
Still recall my 12 week scan of DC sucking its thumb.
I'm sure he will too. Recall those images.
Twice.
He never had to make a decision like he expects you to make.
And live with it forever.
You're a parent now, do
what's best for your child and its future , not the "D"P.

He’s actually showing you who he really is in real-time. The silent treatment is a bullying tactic. It’s to make you choose him. Shocking

Sorry to say it OP, but I think this situation has given you a window into his true feelings for you. If he truly loved you, it wouldn’t be an issue and he wouldn’t be emotionally blackmailing you to terminate your baby. Thinking longer term, if you did what he clearly wants and terminate your baby, how would that make you feel towards him (as well as his grown up daughter who is also pressuring you to terminate)? Sounds like he’s being influenced by his daughter and is putting her feelings before yours. How would you feel if you terminated the pregnancy and the relationship didn’t work out? It takes 2 to make a baby so he has to take some of the responsibility for this.

He's an arsehole. If he had any real love or even respect for you, would he be treating you this way? Whatever decision you make about the pregnancy, I agree with everyone who says that the way he's behaved over it would change my feelings about him forever.

From reading on here, some women often later regret not having children in favour of their partner. You won't notice it now but you will in 20 years when your partner is in his 80s and you are in your 60s.

I only remember bits of your first thread so I am unsure as to your miscarriage risk but if you are high risk, maybe let things play out and decide after 12 weeks.

It seems as if you want children so if you choose not to abort, go full-term, and end up a single parent (which is hard work, IME, but completely doable), you will unlikely regret it, IMO. I says this as someone who was indifferent to having children, ended up pregnant and lone parenting from day 1.

And please don't blame yourself. This may sound corny but I've learned that there is more than one path to love and happiness.

I’m so angry on your behalf with your partner. If he was so absolutely certain about no more children, why hasn’t he had a vasectomy (endometriosis of not)

Personally, I don’t think there is a man walking on this planet who is worth more than one’s child.