A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

My sil was 38 and pregnant ( never thinking she would have a child )
She was living with her oh about 18 months ( 3 year relationship ) with her other half who had a child with a previous partner . The child was quite young approx 5 or 6 . He had the child weekends so therefore sil was helping to look after the child etc .

Her oh didn't want her to keep the pregnancy and callously remarked he couldn't see himself loving it as much as he did with his first.

She moved out , and went back to her hometown ( got another job as she wasn't get showing ) and now she is the mother of a 4 year old .

Agreed - Many of the closest friends I made and retained were older Mums.

I agree.
I actually think that freezing you out and being angry, in the hope that you will terminate without him being “responsible “, is coercive control and unforgivable , abusive behaviour. All adults who are still fertile know that sex carries the risk of pregnancy and if you can’t deal with the consequences in a kind and adult way then don’t have sex.
He may feel like the love of your life but he isn’t acting in a loving way towards you. The pps question of “if you were going to split either way then would you want the baby?” Is a very good one. Personally, having had a good friend in this situation, I think you are more likely to split if he bullies you into terminating a wanted pregnancy, than if you refuse to be bullied and have the baby.
He is being a terrible partner.

This is very much my view too OP. I feel bad saying that because I know you are in such a dilemma.
But looking at the facts you have laid out. He is too angry to even discuss it with you... that is a huge red flag to me. You blame yourself, when there are two of you involved in making a baby. I suspect that is because he "blames" you too and you are taking on an unfair burden of guilt about this.

He could have had a vasectomy to prevent this happening, but he put the responsibility on you. Which meant you had to physically and mentally deal with contraception, even when (given the choice) you would rather have had children. That's so selfish and inconsiderate. If he wants to blame someone for this situation, he should blame himself for that!

Life can throw lots of unexpected ups and downs at us over time. Is this how he will react in future? Put all the responsibility on you for something and then blame and be angry with you over something that crops up that might affect his idea of the perfect life. he's made it really clear now. Its my way or the highway. Even if you comply... could you stay with someone who has that type of reaction to life's problems. It doesn't bode well for a future with him.

Are there any councillors or agencies where you live that you can talk this through with? Could you consider returning to your home country? (UK?)

I also think that his attitude will have coloured the relationship on both sides. Him because he is angry you haven't immediately "obeyed" him and his refusal to see how the unexpectedness of this changes everything for you.
It's one thing to promise not to have children, which you wanted to have, because your partner doesn't. It's a whole other thing to have to terminate for a partner, when despite taking precautions, you accidentally become pregnant.

I think you are in a bit of shock, because of the news, the implications it has for changing the status quo and because of his awful reaction and so the question of how you would cope seems really daunting at the moment. But many of us know single mothers who have found a way. You sound like an intelligent person, you are holding down a full time job (which will come with maternity rights) Daunting as it seems - it can be done and you would have time to work your way through the practicalities.

If you want this baby and it sounds like you do, fight for it.
The cruelest thing in the world would be if you were persuaded to terminate, against your natural inclination, what is possibly your last chance of having children, for a relationship (which may not last) with a selfish person, who doesn't take responsibility and treats you with anger at a time in your life when you most need a supportive partner. Whatever your decision let it be YOUR choice, not his.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation.

I was in a similar situation, but I was 35. I
My partner pushed me to have a termination. We split up as a result. He expected me to carry on as if nothing had happened. I massively resented the fact that he'd taken away my chance to have something that he already had.

I ended up having therapy to come to terms with the situation and luckily still had time on my side. Met my now husband and had a daughter 5 years later.

If you want to keep the baby then keep the baby. You will manage just fine.

This. Your DP doesn't sound particularly nice, tbh. The way he's responding to this situation should be a red flag for you. You say you love him beyond words, but brutally, that sounds like one-way street with the way he's treating you right now. It's not exactly 'through thick and thin' is it?

I really feel for you, OP. Your relationship will not be what it was after a termination, which I'm sure you already know.

You'll get over this man. You will. You'll build a network through being pregnant and having a child - that's how it happens for so many women.

I wish you some clarity and calm to make your decision.

I think in some ways, you are actually lucky he isn't talking to you about this as you don't want to hear a load of reasons he has about why a baby is a bad idea, you need to be able to think about this without his views because this is your decision, your body, your future. So leave him to sulk or stew about the issue while you calmly decide what you are going to do.

Also this is maybe a side to him you haven't seen before, when he doesn't get his own way. Just bear that in mind. You knew he wouldn't be happy and I seem to remember in your original thread you said you were 'frightened' of telling him, which stood out to me. He's not used to being disagreed with maybe?

I’m sorry OP.

Ive recently found out I’m pregnant unplanned.
my husband was very very against the baby but after a while said ‘I love you too much to make you go through with an abortion you don’t want. I will support us if you want to keep this baby’ or something similar.

do you feel your partner really loves you? Do you really love him after how he’s treating you this week?

Sorry you’re still struggling with this. I guess me personally, I would try to look at this longer term. What would life look like in 10 years either way? In 20 years? A ‘baby’ is a very short lived thing. Your partner is older. I know myself I’ve really faced my own mortality this year (I’m your age) due to cancer. It’s not completely out of the realm of possibility that your partner may not be alive in another 10 years. He may not even be alive in 2-3 (I currently have cancer, though it’s hopefully treatable, but I’ve lost several very healthy fit friends to cancer in recent years, all in their 40s/50s. He will almost certainly not still be alive 20 years from now.

Even if you have a long happy marriage, you will outlive him by several decades, 10, 20, 30 years after he’s gone. How do you see your life then? How do you want to grow old? It very likely won’t be with him in your twilight years. Do you see yourself childfree? Or do you see yourself with an adult child and grandchildren? I think that would be where I would make my decision. It’s much less about the here and now and much more about the future. Long term, practically speaking, your future isn’t going to be spent with him into your 60s, 70s, 80s. Who do you want to be then? Because I think this is probably your one chance if being a mum and grandma is what you want.

Aside from this issue @Babybelle81 , this does not sound like a healthy relationship. You sound far too gushing and emotionally dependent on your DP.

If you want this baby, you should 💯 have it. This is your 1 opportunity. I think it could really put your dependence on him into perspective too.

I also want to add, that he may feel like the love of your life, but if you decide that you want this baby, the love for a child is bigger than any love for any man. I love my husband dearly but my children come first.

I'm so sorry. You are in such a difficult position. I mentioned before how hard it is on your own but I'm very worried about his reaction. He played a part in this.

Can you go home to your family?

Your partners sulking says it all.

He isn't into it and as you've said, however the next few ears go, you will ultimately be going it alone if you have the baby.

As someone who chose to become a mum, I can tell you that there are points that it is crushingly hard, and I've never had lows like it, but it is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'd walk away from the love of my life in a heartbeat because there is nothing else like it.

Sadly I think if you choose him and you choose to terminate, you choose codependency.

Why can you only blame yourself @Babybelle81 He was party to this too. You say he is the love of your life, yet is stonewalling you and refusing to discuss a situation that he also created. If he was so adamant that he didn’t want dc, he should have been taking precautions.

All I will say is this! Imagine you terminate this life that you say you were/are so excited about? How can you be certain you won’t break up and you’ll have lost your miracle baby for nothing. He could leave you quite easily. If he doesn’t, will you still see this man as the love of your life, who forced you into a decision you didn’t want?

If you terminate you will never forgive him. Only do it if it’s genuinely for you.

Try to think about where you will be in thirty years time.

Your partner is unlikely to still be in the picture or in his nineties. You will still be relatively young in your early seventies. Any "baby" would be grown up and approaching 30.

The years and the decades pass quickly. Your relationship with this man wont last forever whatever happens.

This ^
How did you feel when you first looked at that initial positive test? I think that if you felt joy even only for a moment, then you probably do want this baby.
Many women have been in your situation and have coped.
I would check out maternity leave provisions and look into finding accommodation and remove yourself from the situation and plan your new life ahead with your baby.
Good Luck x

You knew what, we are primates and most primate mums do it by themselves (and make a damn fine job of it).

Raising children together is wonderful and it's great to have someone to share the highs, lows and work of it with, but millions do cope alone and many thrive alone. Many mums a lot younger than you, with less life experience, a less progressed career and frankly a lot less stability manage it, so if you want you baby, then go for it.

No one is guaranteed to have the other parent around anyway. Relationships can split, people can die. You can both be eager for kids and in a stable, happy marriage and still end up a single parent.

I wouldn't be aborting my child (especially my only chance of a child) for any man.

He’s punishing you with his silence rather than supporting and talking to you. He’s not the man you thought he was.

i suspect fear of telling his daughter may be a factor too.

So sorry that you’re in this situation.
In my experience, reluctant fathers can change for the better once the baby is here. I’m not excusing him at all, as his current behaviour is unfair, but I just wanted to tell you that - so you can factor in that he might not always feel this way. xx

Just to add a story from a friend who had a similar situation that hopefully shows there can be some nuance.

My friend found herself unexpectedly pregnant with a new partner seven months in. He already had two children from a previous relationship and was an active father. He was completely against having more children and pushed very hard for a termination. His concerns were not unreasonable - their age, finances, ability manage logistics and time, the needs of his other children. And my friend was very unsure but like you, felt this was her only chance and couldn’t bring herself to terminate.

They had an awful month - I spoke to her in tears every other day. She was devastated and felt like she had to choose between him and the baby. He never explicitly said he would leave but she felt it was a firm possibility. She had good advice from a doctor and they went to counselling which helped them see each others point of view.

Although he remained adamant about his preference, he knew it was her choice. She kept the baby, who is now a gorgeous 1 year old. He also stayed with her and they live in a blended family. I think he knew, having already had kids, what it would mean for him and how hard it would be. But now the baby is here, he is a brilliant father. Part of his reluctance was knowing how much you have to put into parenting, and that he wouldn’t be able to walk away from that.

its definitely not easy for them - balancing the other children, the logistics, the ex-partner etc has meant my friend has had to make a lot of sacrifices. Their lovely carefree relationship has become a coparenting relationship with little intimacy. He tells her he misses the relationship they had before. Life is hard and busy. But her partner did the right thing when the responsibility arrived and her child is her whole world. She cannot imagine now having made the other choice.

When she was making the choice, I remember telling her that nobody can predict the future and know what the right decision would have been in hindsight. I have experience of baby loss myself and cautioned her that even making the choice might not lead to the outcome you desire.

I mainly wanted to share to show that your partner has real and actual concerns, he’s not a monster. He knows what being a parent is - and this will completely change the course of his life as well as yours. But it’s not his choice. It’s yours. From where you are now, there’s no easy answer. Both options have challenges. But when you reach your conclusion, know that it will be okay. I remember telling my friend it would be okay and she didn’t believe me. But two years later - it’s better than okay, it could never have been another way.

good luck x

I'm so sorry OP, but I have to say that your DP's reaction would change the way I view my relationship forever.

Bear in mind that as a single mother you'd have access to a decent UC especially if you rent.

If he's half decent he should pay some maintenance although I wouldn't count on this.

I had two children in my 40s, and I am single too. I have no family support either. It is challenging at times but very doable! I have made so many friends since I had the DCs...mums from coffee mornings, toddler groups, nursery. I would not change it for the world...I would certainly not change it for any man!

OP you have a chance to have a life that you never thought you would have. Motherhood is amazing. Your partner does sound extremely selfish. It's all right for him, he has his own family, you don't. And this is your last chance to have a baby. You could end up having a termination and then split up anyway. Then where would you be?

I would keep the baby. Tell your partner that is what you are doing and see what his reaction is. You never know, he could come round and turn out to be the doting Dad. As for his daughter, it has sod all to do with her. I'm wishing you good luck!

Hi OP, I read your original post and I'm sorry to hear the situation hasn't improved with your partner. It is a shock and it's still early days - for the pregnancy and for the information to settle in.

My suggestion would be to get some private counselling on your own to really work through your thoughts over the next few weeks.

I'm pro choice but a termination is not something to do lightly (I speak from experience here). You will always think of that child, how old they will be, what they might look like - it stays with you even when you're 100% sure it was the right call.

As others have said pregnancy is more risky the older you get but 43 isn't too old. I'm an older mum myself and know many other women who are too.

And I also wonder if someone who is truly the love of your life would treat you so shabbily over something which is both your responsibilities. In my view someone that loves you should stick by you.

I hope these these thoughts are helpful, I really feel for you being alone in this and want to give you a virtual hug. All the choices are hard here, I'm really sorry. I think it's about working out which one you can live with.

I don’t want to give you false hope here but I was in a similar situation a few months back - we agreed to try for another but I don’t think my partner thought it would happen, especially not in the first month. He was very unhappy and said he wanted a termination. He did put a lot of pressure on me but after a couple of weeks he came round to it more. I still wouldn’t say he’s as excited and on board for it as he was for our first but maybe your partner just needs a bit more time to get his head round the idea.
I kind of had the same opinion as most the posters on here that our relationship would be over anyway if I had a termination as it’s not something I could forgive. So I think you need to decide in your head what you want to do and your partner can get on board or not. I was of the opinion things happen for a reason and I said I’m going to go with it, if I miscarry or there’s something wrong then fair enough but otherwise im not interfering. Hope that makes sense!

Please do not blame yourself! I presume that you were not on your own when tiny was conceived? I was 42 when my child was born albeit with a willing partner. I would advise an amnio - I had one = and then make a decision.

He does sound very self=centred and unpleasant. He will not be going through anything if you terminate and it is a huge psychcological issue for you.

I do wish you good luck.