A little update…wish it was better news

[Babybelle81]

Hi all

Thought I would update you all.

it’s been a week nearly since I posted about my pregnancy and being 43 with my partner who is older.
I wish this update was a happier post, but it isn’t. He is very unhappy with this situation, and has not spoken about it apart from to say he made it clear that he didn’t want any more children and that’s that.
I do not have any family here, nowhere to go, and am working full time. I love him very very much, he really is my world. We have been together for 5 years, known each other for six. I love him beyond words. I thought this would have settled in his mind a bit now and he maybe would have come round somewhat, but I literally have no one to talk to, and he will not discuss it. I do not want to be on my own without him. He is my whole world. I am dealing with all these symptoms, trying to hide them from everyone, and have no idea what to do.

Anyway, I hope you are all well. I know my last thread started off some arguments, but please know that I post in good faith, and I really would appreciate any advice or support at this what should be the happiest time in my life, is now the loneliest time.

Thank you x

I'll add my own personal story if it helps. I got unexpectedly pregnant a year after I got married. I was nervous but had always wanted children, but my husband took the news badly. He said it wasn't the right time, he didn't expect a baby so soon, we should plan children further down the line etc etc. He also said if I had the baby he would probably leave. I had a termination so obviously he was happy with that, but I suffered from terrible depression for months afterward, plus while the termination went OK with no obvious issues, I was unable to conceive again. Our relationship was never the same and while I loved him desperately, I never forgave him for giving me the choice of him or the baby. During an argument (10 years later) I told him that I wished I had chosen the baby instead of him.

What I learned from this? If you make a decision based on what someone else wants instead of what you want, you will resent them for it and your relationship will be changed forever anyway. Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best, but make sure you are making your own decision.

I saw the original thread and am therefore not surprised by his response. The important thing it to do what is right for YOU and not him. You've been given a shot at being a mother, but it's at the expense of your relationship. TBH though - would your relationship recover from this anyway? I don't think I could be with someone who was angry with me for not wanting an abortion. The coldness of the response would be a huge turnoff. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I'm so sorry OP this sounds incredibly difficult. As hard as it is you really need to think about your needs and what you want. Ultimately there is a good chance this unplanned pregnancy will now end your relationship either way - it doesn't sound like your partner would be there supporting eith through a pregnancy or termination and the resentment to him you will have to cope with after.
I was in a similar situation ex had grown children didn't want to start again - I didnt know how would manage single parenthood, being alone and limited income at the time. Yes it was hard at times but now we are passed the nursery cost years I have retrained and have an amazing child I wouldn't change for the world. No regrets here about losing a relationship that might have ended anyway

God surely you’ll hate him anyway for taking away this opportunity that has presented itself to you?!

That aside he sounds selfish - I mean what is he doing dating a woman 20 years younger! And taking away her best years. He must think he is special - especially considering he thinks his daughter is more important than you and his unborn child.

Can he afford to pay maintenance? Do you own any property? Do you have any savings? To tide you through maternity leave?

I don’t know how you are not super angry with him!

On the other thread I was discouraging of you having the baby, but you seem to really want him/her.
Overall I agree that children are better than men. Especially this man. It woulf be more fun to spend 18 years raising a child- if wanted- than look after this man baby in his old age.

Love is transient and has no certificate to say that it will work out. Motherhood however lasts a lifetime. I would try to put aside my fears, that he is the love of your life (romantic dreams) and focus on the life of your child. You won't lose this man if you have the baby because he is the other half of the baby whether he sticks around or not. Do you really want to be in a relationship where the man is unable to adjust to the birth of his own child? This could be transferred down to you further down the line. I would take a very realistic look at what he is really like rather look at him through the rose tinted glasses of romanticism. How will you feel at 50, 60, 70, & older if you do not have this child? They will probably grow up to be the most wonderful human being. Be brave, take courage and look to the future. Women in far worse situations that you have survived and flourished.

I have read your other thread and there is a difference between sacrificing the idea of having a child for him and actually going through a termination and making the actually sacrifice and I don’t think your relationship is going to survive either way. You have sacrificed so much for this with very little in return.

so what do you want - yiur desire to be a parent comes through in the other thread so what do you want

If you want the baby I think you should keep it as you may regret it forever if you don't. Your relationship is likely to struggle if you have a termination to please your partner if it isn't what you want. There is also no guarantee that you would have ended up staying with your partner even if there was no pregnancy. I never thought I would end up on my own and yet that is what eventually happened. I do have children and I would rather have them than any partner. If your partner is not able to discuss the situation in a supportive way and take responsibility for his own part in it, then I seriously doubt he is as loving and supportive as you make out.

You say you've only yourself to blame, but sounds like while it wasn't part of your plans, you aren't as against the idea of a baby as he is, so it was more on him to avoid it. In any case that ship has sailed and its a rubbish position you're in, I'm sorry.
I too was unexpectedly pregnant at 43 and had a healthy boy at 44. The midwives didn't see my age as a particularly big risk factor, only that they wouldn't let me go past my due date... but when it came to it, he was late, I just had extra monitoring.
Having a kid is hard, being a single parent undoubtedly harder, but if you want to, you can make it work.
Hopefully the dad will come round, and prove himself as the love of your life. If not then sorry, but he isn't.
Good luck with whatever you decide x

This is awful and my heart absolutely goes out to you. I suspect if you abort, it will sooner or later end your relationship. Only you know if you would be able to carry on without resentment.If you keep the baby and he shuts down towards you, well this shows a different side to his character which may make you feel vindicated in your decision! Life will be very difficult for a while but not forever. Countless women have travelled that road before you and been thankful that they kept the baby. Equally it wouldn’t be fair for someone like me, not having to walk in your shoes, to prescribe a course of action. Only you know how you feel and how you are likely to feel. So hard but you’ll think long and hard about it and I’m sure you will trust your gut and do the right thing for you.Sending big hugs, I wish I was with you in real life just to sit with you.💐

I’m so sorry to hear this. I remember your original thread and how excited you seemed.

His behaviour is really mean. I would think very carefully about what you do next. Don’t put his needs first. If he is so keen to treat you this way what if you need something in future that doesn’t fit with his expectations (ill health for example?).

You can absolutely do this on your own if you want to.

@Babybelle81 are you still reading? I think you need to talk through what's going on before you're put under anymore pressure. He could turn emotionally abusive if he doesn't get his way.

Hi OP, this sounds an awful situation so I'm sorry your DP has made this such a horrid choice.

You say he's the love of your life but would someone who truly loves you manipulate you into an abortion knowing you want this child? If he knew he didn't want more kids to the extent he'd ask women to abort if an accident happened, he should have got a vasectomy. He's selfish, self centred, and not much of a partner when really needed.

Baby aside, your position of being so dependent on him for everything is not good. Even without a baby he could end things and you'd be as lost without him. So you need to step out of his shadow no matter what decision you make and you may find he doesn't like that, and your submissiveness and dependence is what he likes.

If you really want a baby but are worried you can't manage without him - I would focus on making your life ready for this baby, and using that maternal strength that kicks in hormonally to make your own life for both of you.

It boils down to - will a lifetime with him make up for any sadness/regret you feel not having this baby? If he ended with you tomorrow would you still be ok not having the baby?

Oh I really feel for you and can sense how either option is going to tear you up. How far along are you? I’m just wondering if you have enough time to wait a couple/few more weeks to weigh it all up and see if he comes round rather than rushing to a decision.

It’s hard because you could end up breaking up with him at some point regardless of having the baby but it’s such a personal decision that only you can make. Sending so much love x

This is such a sad update, I’m sorry OP.

You said that keeping it would risk losing the love of your life. Your baby will be the love of your life. Let’s hope your husband comes around however, how acceptable is it for a partner to essentially ignore you and sulk for days, for whatever reason? It isn’t emotionally mature and personally I wouldn’t trade a baby for that kind of treatment. I don’t know your financial situation however a plan can be made. I’m basing all of this from your last post as I really got the impression that you wanted this baby very much

Abort the relationship. It sounds like he has already if he won't even discuss the situation with you.

Keep the baby.

You might resent the partner for insisting on aborting the baby. The partner might resent you and abort you if you do keep the baby. The baby won't resent you for keeping them and loving them.

Giving you strength to make a really tough decision OP 💐

Can I be really blunt @Babybelle81 ? Having a termination of pregnancy is really hard for many women emotionally . Even if they are really sure they don’t want the baby and they have children already ( or enough time and options to have more at a later date ).

It’s going to be extremely hard to terminate the pregnancy when you want the baby, you have no other children, you are highly unlikely to have one in the future and you doing it for a man who you love but doesn’t love you .

You will probably find it ok physically but be devastated emotionally. How do you think you oarthwr will react to that ? Will you have to hide your grief and pain to make him feel better or so that he’s not angry ?

How will that affect your feelings for him? will you ever be able to feel the same way again ? Do you think you will be able to stay together after that?

Many posters here are worried for you that you will terminate and he will end up leaving you anyway .

This… he did not prevent pregnancy, you are not to blame and he should not pressure you into termination

This… he did not prevent pregnancy, you are not to blame and he should not pressure you into termination

How he is choosing to handle this - immaturely, unsupportively, and without taking any accountability - should actually be telling you more about the type of person he really is.

Personally this would make me question whether a man such as this could really be the love of my life? And could I count on them, unconditionally, to be there for me whatever life threw at us in the future?

You're capable of more than you think and you can set your mind to do this if you want to.

@Babybelle81
Really feel for you ❤️

I can't have children, so my advice may be completely irrelevant - but my thoughts.....

Congratulations 🎉!!! You're 43- you didn't think you could have a little one and now you're pregnant!!

You've got this...
you're a fully fledged adult with a good job, house and (presumably) mates.... What more do you need!?
You DEFINITELY don't need a sulky man child....
Your relationship with him is over, regardless of what happens with the baby.

Put your big girl pants on, make a decision and stick with it....
PUT YOURSELF FIRST!!!

WISHING YOU ALL THE LUCK!! 💐x

Honestly i think you should keep it, if you’re main reason for aborting is because you don’t want to lose your partner then it is unlikely your relationship will survive anyway if you feel forced to abort, it will
always be hanging over you both.

OP, no. You can not only blame yourself, you can't get pregnant on your own.

I don't have much advice but don't do something that you don't want to do and would regret.

I'm assuming you're still early on? You have time to figure things out if so. Don't rush into anything.

I think his attitude is disgusting. Ok, he didn't want any more kids. That's fine. But why did he not take responsibility for contraception (condoms) or have a vasectomy to ensure that it would not happen? Why is he suddenly refusing to talk to you? That's not the actions of a loving partner. Last I checked, it takes two to conceive a baby. Therefore he should be trying help, support and work things out with you (like a decent, loving/caring partner), not leaving you to try and figure this all out on your own. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all this.

I reckon that whatever happens from now on in, the relationship sounds like it is over with. Like PPs have said, it looks like the main choice now is if you continue the pregnancy or not. What is it that YOU want?