Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

This is an awful thing to say.

None of us know when we are going to die.

Abort a baby 'in case' her partner dies young?

Re autism, Unless its been debunked, the research pointed to the age of the father as being most relevant
anyway op i do think you have to consider worst case
he leaves
he will retire soon so cms wont be great
you become a single parent with sole custody
career goes backwards view lack of support and then at close to 50 becomes trickier to restart

of course it might not be that bad at all but a hope for the best and plan for the worst would be a sensible approach

my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

He should have got the snip then.

If you’ve always wanted a child- have the baby.

Its not all about what your husband wants.

No, the baby wasn’t planned but it’s here so go for it!

Theres nothing like the absolutely overwhelming love you feel for your child, nothing compares to it.

OP my DH was the late (accidental) child of older parents - his mum was 43 when she had him. He did have a much older brother however. His dad was around the same age, not 60 like your DH so not quite the same scenario. He always says he had a wonderful childhood. The only drawback really being that of course he lost them both when he was still relatively young (30s) and they never met me or our children.

Me too!

It's not just autism is it though? Through your forties (and DEFINITELY through your sixties) your own energy levels and fitness wane. Having a baby, and toddler and teenager is exhausting. You do have to think about how your would cope if the child had additional needs as well, because they are statistically more likely at both your ages. Any prospective parent has to think about this especially when you are deciding what to do about an unexpected pregnancy, but you could find yourself caring for the child for the rest of your life.

It might be all fine. It might not be. Only you can decide if you're prepared for any eventuality.

How do you know the dad will walk away??

Statistically she is still more likely to have a healthy baby. Everyone takes a punt when they conceive! Would you have said that to a 23 year old?

I'm 43 and would terminate without a doubt BUT I have 2 children already and well past the baby stage

I think you need to put yourself first, even if this means doing it alone. If you have a good career do you have a healthy salary? I'd be checking out the maternity leave policy ASAP so at least you know what you'd get. My work was 6 months fill pay, 3 months statutory and 3 months unpaid. If you do break up he'd he liable for CMS

He's 60, there is no guarantee he will be around in a few years (my grandparents all died late 50s, early 60s, my dad died at 64). How would you feel if you terminate and something happens to him in a few years (sorry I know that morbid)

Good luck telling him

I don't know what I'd do in your position but you don't have to have an abortion nor do you have to have the baby. It's your choice.

Enjoy your baby how exciting. You put yourself and baby first x

Why??

Congratulations op.

You say you always wanted a child of your own and sacrificed not having them for him.

That's too big a sacrifice imho.

When I was a teenager, our neighbour and my school mate's Mums both had babies at 45.

Anytime I've seen them in the years since they're doing great. The Mums look younger than they are. I think being able to getting pregnant relatively late is related to that.
I'm not sure about one of the lady's son, but the other has his own kids now.

In terms of career, childcare is a reducing thing after the first 3 years - as they go to school and stay in longer etc. Schools often have after school clubs and helping out parent clubs etc etc. They grow up fast.

As for not feeling you can ask him to do ABC; if you can make them, you can do the work for them!
You sound almost cowed/submissive -"I sacrificed having kids for him", "I couldn't ask him to do night feeds". Why? Why not?

He took the risk as much as you. He's responsible too. Why are you "a begging" all the time?

He's 60, not 80.
Plenty of 60 yr old men are skiing, cycling, running demanding businesses etc etc

He can do some work with his own child.

He's 60, with grown-up kids, and doesn't want another one.
Odds on him staying have to be low.

Tell that to Robert de Niro, Mick Jagger, Clint Eastwood, Rod Stewart...

I would have the baby, I know someone who had a baby at 45 with no problems at all.

It certainly helps to have their millions!

If you do break up he'd he liable for CMS

Yep.

12% of salary unless he has the child more than 50% overnights a year.

In general, pregnancy is harder the older a woman gets, and the risks of miscarriage, birth defects, and delivery complications are higher. There's an opportunity for a lot of heartbreak.

Plus, I believe that all children brought into the world should be very much planned and wanted by both of their parents. It is certainly possible for OP's husband to be excited about, or come to be excited about, the unexpected pregnancy, but... he also might not.

Many of us know of successful pregnancies at that age, but anecdotes aren't data, plus it's not the only issue here.

To be crude, their jizz is liquid gold.

Huge child support, probably huge inheritance.

Those women would not be risking pregnancy or having fertility treatment with those men if they weren't worth millions.

The men are presumably too fanny struck to think about it, or don't care.

I say this very delicately. This is your only chance to have a baby. Also bear in mind that the pregnancy may not be successful. Think about if you are prepared to do the hard work alone and go from there.

I believe that all children brought into the world should be very much planned and wanted by both of their parents.

That has never been, is not and will never be the case.

So let's deal with reality.

And afaiac when you spunk your baby batter up a woman who's not through menopause or sterilised and don't bother to get a vasectomy..... You are actually planning and wanting a baby - cause you haven't prevented it.

"Thinking it won't happen" is not an excuse. Especially when you're 60.

Throughout history it isn't particularly unusual to have a baby in your 40's. Before contraception women had them until they couldn't. I had two babies in my 40's and many other women have had more. You need a very good reason to terminate if you are 'excited' by the idea or you may really struggle with the decision afterwards.