Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

I know this isn't a sensitive thing to say but at 43 viability at such an early stage would be about 50-60%, so I would take each day at a time rather than hope or worry about something that might not end up happening.

FYI my Mum was 39 when she had us, never really felt like I had an older Mum and she's been great. I am 40 now and have my own children.

I think no decision will you feel entirely comfortable with. If you decide not to go ahead you will always wonder, but having child later in life ( indeed anytime of life) brings pressure and challenges. But also a whole lot of love.
Honestly I would have the baby. You may not get another chance. It takes two to make a baby. If you deep down feel you'd like to keep the baby, but then terminate because of what your other half feels you could well end up feeling resentful anyway.

I agree. You didn't plan this. You are not 'stupid' (contraception can fail anyway!)
Put all that baggage down if you can & be kind to yourself you've had a shock.
You want this baby. He doesn't (have you told him?)
If it comes to a 'me or baby' conversation, what would you choose?
Can you see yourself bringing up the baby alone? (do you have £ or family?)
Can you see yourself happily continuing with him if he makes you choose?
Give yourself a bit of time to really think, before he potentially pressures you x

I had both my children in my forties and neither has autism. My friend had her children in her early thirties and they both have SEN. Anecdotal I know. A lot of mums on MN have SEN children so it would be interesting to know how old they were.

I probably should be given any advice but I would say go for it.

My DM was 76 when DB and his DW had their first baby and she’s helped as much as she could with the baby and now their child is 6. She also could help childmind the second baby who’s 13 months old now.

Just a FYI I think I got sore boobs and sickness from 6 weeks onwards not 4 weeks so most likely you’re further along than you think. I would say do you have thyroid issues? Only because I have an underactive thyroid and I know miscarriage rate and trying to get pregnant you have issues with these. I know someone who had underactive thyroid and was pregnant same age as you but didn’t realise thyroid issues meant risk of miscarriage so sadly she miscarried.

It’s a big commitment to have a baby and you may be doing it alone by the sounds of things.
it is much more tiring doing it later in life. I had 2 in my 20’s and one mid 30’s and I could def tell the difference with the tiredness.
if you are on your own obviously it will make things a little tougher too.
how is your general health, I think that is worth considering too.
take your time but it’s a huge commitment and a total change in life when someone is completely reliant upon you and you’re used to coming and going as you please.

Op You sound over worried about what others think- that you've 'been stupid' try to let go of that.

All that matters is what you and your partner think. I mean, how are others to know - you could have planned / been trying for a baby.

I have relatives who had a baby at this age (and older) - planned (they used donor sperm but that is an aside- no-one else's business.

I would lean towards keeping the pregnancy, personally.

Sorry to raise morbid topics, but there’s no guarantee your husband will live to 70 or 80. In his absence, you may find yourself grateful for the presence of an additional family member.

It’s important to approach with the understanding that the child may face the loss of a parent at a relatively early age. While this is sad, I know several people who lost a parent young. Though hard, they’ve grown into happy adults. It doesn’t mean their lives aren’t worth living; it just means they might experience stresses that others don’t.

Your husband may not be thrilled about the situation, he is equally responsible. However, since this seems to mean more to you, you may need to be more willing to take on the hard work that comes with it.

I would explain to him that you’d like nature to take its course. At your age (I am sorry to bring this up, but it is relevant) there’s a slight increase in certain risks, including a higher miscarriage rate—around 50%. So, while being pregnant is significant, it doesn’t necessarily guarantee a baby. You could approach the conversation by expressing that you’re not planning to intervene. Instead, you’re prepared to make life work either way and want to let nature decide the outcome.

If you’re excited by the possibility, you will forever be sad if you don’t have it

I think you need to tell him, he may be happier than you think

fwiw you’re not too old to have a baby. I know a few ladies who had a baby at that age.

Hmm I wound be careful getting too excited OP sorry - sometimes when you are peri menopause it's well known you can get false positive pregnancy tests

My husband had children already and didn’t want more. Totally against it. Accidentally happened and now he’s been a doting father for 18 years, we then had another addition a couple of years after our first.
He now says he couldn’t imagine life without them and he claims they have kept him young.

Have the baby.
If necessary, let the husband go.

Another vote in favour of continuing the pregnancy here. Age is not a problem. My greatgrandmother had her 2 last children at 44 and 47. You don't have any children because you sacrificed your motherhood for your husband. Having a baby is an amazing experience and the kind of love that goes with it could never be replaced by any material thing. Good luck!

Well I should imagine reading that might have helped determine how you feel about it OP!

Kindly, I would worry with your ages there is a high risk of SEN, potentially mild or more serious.
Maybe have a think if that's something you feel able to handle

Yes. I never think about adoption.

Work out how you could do it yourself if you had to, could you afford a nanny so you won’t feel the tiredness so much? Do you get on well with your SC & GC? Would they be part of this baby’s life? Do you have siblings/cousins with children so that baby will have a wider family? Or even close friends with DC. I think an only child of older parents with no wider family might struggle emotionally/be lonely. But growing up with other family around, wouldn’t notice so much.

I think your DH has a right to not want/plan more children, but as a pp said “there’s a big difference between not planning & now having to terminate”.
I don’t think you can expect him to be too hands on, but if finances are ok to afford extra help, then he can be a loving parent, he can still enjoy time with his child.

Is he involved/hands on with his GC?

Ultimately it’s your choice, but if part of you wants a baby, you’re likely to regret a termination. At only 4 weeks, you don’t have to rush into a decision.

Good luck with whatever you decide 💐

Not to mention the fact that he might drop dead in the next five, ten or fifteen years, making you a single parent: could you cope? How would you feel if you aborted this baby that you clearly want, because your partner doesn't want, it and then next year your partner died, leaving you alone?

I have a few friends who had kids similar age with no issues

I'm 62 with a 19 year old.
My older kids came along when we were younger and poorer, and she has benefitted from us being more relaxed and financially stable. Now she's at Uni and we miss out full house. Being an older Mum was never a problem for us.
Both my grandmothers had babies at 40 and 42. The 42 year grandmother had her first and only child and never regretted it.

I don't think it's the OP's age that is the issue. It is her DH's age that may be.

Awww OP. You seem excited. And you say you always wanted a baby......
Make the decision for you, it would be great if your partner was involved but plenty of mum's raise babies alone.
I hope this works out so well for you.

Yes, I sense that's the problem, also the fact that he doesn't want children.