Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

Don't terminate because of him. He has the choice to end the relationship if he doesn't want to be involved. He also had the choice to wear a condom if he didn't want any children.

All of this.

I know it's only part of the issue, I believe each life is God's gift.

Right, but that doesn't mean we can't all individually strive for it, if the belief is mutual. Accidents happen, but thankfully some women have options.

I hope the conversation goes well @Babybelle81.

I imagine your response to his response will help you understand your own feelings better.

This is about you and what you want. Wonderful if you want the same thing. If you don’t agree, this is still about what you want.

If you’ve always wanted a baby and now you’re pregnant… well that’s it, isn’t it?

Thanks again for all the comments.
im a straightforward person, so appreciate the straightforward and direct answers.
the comment about being further along than I think? That could always be a possibility. I did have a period last month as usual.
the menopause and risk - of course I understand that.
a bit of context - my other half is very fit. We both hammer the gym and do Bootcamp’s etc
he works a very manual job and is up and down ladders all day: his dad is 90 and still on tractors. I am aware though that anything could happen at any time. The main problem I foresee is that he hasn’t done anything - he hasn’t been anywhere and this year he finally said right I’m going to slow down a bit and take it easy etc and now this! Omg! I feel sick!

I would hope that your partner will welcome his baby. He has his children, it's unfair of him to not wish you to have what he already has.

I don't appreciate being told to "pipe down" for expressing my opinion so on that basis, no I wouldn't want to know you, and thinking it's hilarious is positively juvenile.

How odd to create an arbitrary date beyond which you will not have children. I find that deeply bizarre.

Congrats OP! What a lovely suprise for you! Celebrate and decide what you want to do. Life if yours too, not just your partner's and there's always a risk, whatever happens it takes 2 to make a baby and nothing is 100% guaranteed in terms of protecting, even if you were using. My mum got pregnant at your age, we were all basically adults and yes every shocked, but we loved it and our little sis has been the biggest blessing to our family.

Sometimes the things that give us the greatest joy on our lives are those unexpected moments that take us on a different path.
Dont let fear of the unknown stop you from following your heart .

Tell him as soon as possible. Maybe he might change his mind.
It is possible to travel with a baby.

There are tests that tell you how many weeks you are, a friend took one last week.

It does take 2 to tango and he should have taken precautions if he’s so keen not to have more dc. If your relationship doesn’t survive this, then he’s not for you, as my dm would say. If, as you say, you want a child, this is realistically probably your last opportunity. Would you massively resent him if he tried to tell you to get an abortion? I think you need to put yourself first here, OP. Your body, your choice, I don’t think he should try to decide for you. Hope you’re ok.

I'm sorry that you feel that way, and hope life gets easier for you soon x

A good friend of mine had a baby at 43 she is now almost 70 and still has the energy of a 30 year old! I don't by any means think age is a deciding factor - if you want the baby then you want the baby and you shouldn't abort. You do need to consider the risks with 2 older parents and if I were you I'd opt in for all the testing.

It's now or never OP , could you cope with being a single mum, would you regret Terminating? Can you picture yourself a mum ... your age is not that fair out of the norm nowadays

Babies are eminently portable, that should not limit travelling, unless you want to go zip lining through the Amazon! Even that is doable with planning, as long as you’re fit enough, which you sound to be.

Congratulations OP! Sometimes things happen and end up being the best thing!
Your partner will hopefully come around but if he doesn't it really sounds like you want this baby.
Older parents aren't always the worst thing. My grandparents ended up bringing up my cousin when they were in their 60s, they were both fit and well and lived until their 90s , so you really never can tell what will happen.

You seem happy to be pregnant OP, so you know what you want. You just have to make plans, like any responsible parent should do, as to how you’d cope if you end up a single parent. If DH doesn’t want to be involved, if he died, if you died…Life insurance, critical care cover, income protection insurance.
I speak as a child of older parents who both unfortunately didn’t live much past 60, but at least left me financially secure.

I would also give serious thought to any special needs that are more likely with an older father and mother as I know that personally I wouldn’t be capable of raising a child with significant issues. Hats off to those who do.

I don’t appreciate someone on a forum questioning my life choices when they know nothing about me or the reasons behind those decisions, I suppose it takes a lot of small minded people to make the world go round through. You are a very odd poster imo thinking you have the right to question others choices or “not want to know them” simply because of the choices they made in having children, especially not knowing the reasoning behind those decisions. Strange!

Don't sacrifice what you want it will end up in hate and resentment.

I don't know why you can't expect him to act like a father either, theres no magic off age and 60 is really not that old.

In the past (and even in many cultures now) it was MASSIVELY common for older family to raise their kids kids either from social stigma of unwed teen pregnancies, deadbeat parents or just so their kids could focus on work and earning money etc...

What about if retired as could be likely when he reaches 67, is it 12% of that as well?

@RockyFowlboa

The op has a good job and always wanted a child of her own.

If the father doesn't get on board, it's a very poor reflection on his integrity and responsibility. But it is what it is.

Many people have done very well in life with one good parent.

Also you can strive for anything you like, but a huge percentage of marriages and partnerships break down and it's sadly common for one parent (usually the Dad) to become disengaged, especially if they have other kids.

My ex work colleague had to be a birthing partner for her friend whose husband legged it during the pregnancy and decided he wanted nothing to do with the child.
A child who ended up going to Oxbridge as a young woman btw.

Honestly? I think the regret of never experiencing motherhood will follow you to your grave, given you'd like to have a child. Weigh that up against your DH not wanting to start all over again (totally understandable and very reasonable) and the balance is overwhelmingly in your favour. Really, he should have insisted on contraception if he were that against it.

Can you afford help through the baby and toddler years? Your DH could indeed slow down in 5 years, do the school runs and whatnot, stay at home. Your career need not be damaged. But you should expect to do the bulk of the work in the early years: mothers tend to anyway, and mothers with fathers in their 60s all the more so.

I don't know if CM can get at pensions (?)

But what remotely decent individual would not pay even basic child maintenance for their child anyway.