Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

Congratulations. Enjoy your pregnancy. It is a blessing. I think you would regret it otherwise. You will have to do most of the sleepless nights but they don’t last forever

You do you. I’ll do me, think what you like, you have absolutely no idea of the reasons behind this decision. As I said we had a cut off and I wouldn’t have a child later than the age we decided. How odd that you wouldn’t want to know someone over their decisions on having children, that says more about you than it does about me. I find that quite hilarious.

Lots of hospitalizations in my teens. Pretty serious stuff for both of them. My teenage years were quite chaotic

Before speaking to your partner, you need to know in your heart what you want to do. If you want the baby, don't let anyone else sway you otherwise, as you'll live to resent that.

Will you regret it later in life? This might be your only chance, if being a mum is something you want

I'm 30, and my dad is 80. My wife's (same sex couple) dad, died aged 90 when my wife was 25! Parents dying younger does suck, but as long as they're kind and loving, you don't think anything of it when you're young

I have a friend who is 84, he has three daughters the youngest is 24. He didn’t want to be a father again and made this a condition in his relationship with youngest daughter’s mother. He felt very different when she arrived. Today she is his absolute pride and joy. They are a creative family and are working on a project together at the moment. Go ahead if you want the baby.

I had my daughter at 43 after years of struggles. Yes I'm knackered but I wouldn't change it. I still have my career (part time) and can see friends sometimes and do my hobby (easier now she's 4 to do those things). Yes I'll be 61 when she's 18 but I didn't have the option of being younger.

Thank you so so much everybody for your amazing replies.
I haven’t told him yet. He’s been out working all day and not back yet. I’ve been working too trying to concentrate. I want to tell him when he comes home. He is took to get the shock of his life.

I understand everyone’s comments around two to tango, but honestly, I really did think that was it for both of us. I had been prescribed HRT but hadn’t started it yet, and he is older so we just wrongly assumed. How silly! I teach my students all around being sensible and then look at me now!? Madness.

My career is stable but I would still have to work and unsure how that works and what mat leave you get. Literally not a clue. My mum isn’t here she’s 5 hours away and 70 herself. I have no support here apart from his grown up kids. One of them has two of her own so she would be invaluable I think.

I tested today and last period was 20th Oct so think I’m 4 weeks.
how long before sickness starts as I won’t be able to hide that!

thank you once again for all the comments and advice. Much appreciated.

In truth, if I had known what my childhood would have been like, I would have said "no, thank you." My adult years are better, but still strugglin with quite a bit of stuff due to a false start.

I am not prepared to elaborate on it any further, because it would be outing myself.

OP your DP could leave you tomorrow,and you'll have sacrificed what could be your last chance at motherhood and he will still have his children.

There's no ideal age to have a baby, but chances are you have your shit together and are stable so you're already one step ahead.

When you tell him stand firm and give him space to come to terms with it but don't let him talk you out of it unless you're 100% sure.

You will not regret having this baby.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly.

So you both took a risk?

Not sure how determined he was not to have more kids though if he didn't opt for a vasectomy.

I also think it's odd that you were willing to not have kids for him-so how bothered are you?

Even though you're excited now as you know, you need to think of the long term.

If you terminate for him will your relationship survive?

it may not survive if you have the child either

So no child and no parter?

how do feel about being a single parent?

You have to make the decision for yourself. How would you feel if you miscarried, relieved or devastated… it’s a starting point

I had my last child at 42, almost 43. My older 2 were 15 and 17 so it was a big decision and a big change. I don't regret it, even though the relationship didn't last. She's the joy of our lives.

Relationships end for all sorts of reasons. If this one ended, how would you feel about having passed up your chance to be a mother?

I was actually in a similar situation when I found I was pregnant with my second child. The marriage was on the rocks and ex-H told me to terminate the pregnancy. I went to the clinic and they wouldn't do it because they could tell I wasn't sure. I remember thinking: if I terminate this pregnancy, our marriage is definitely over because I'll never get over it. And if I go on with the pregnancy, maybe the marriage is over anyway. Or maybe not. In the end, it was, but I've never regretted my decision.

I think women should only ever progress with pregnancy of the viewpoint of being alone - whether relationship breakdown, illness or accident you could face doing it all alone. Could you cope? Could your partner if something happened to you? Who would be the child's guardian if something happened yo both of you? Can you financially put things in place to help should the worst happen with life insurances etc. As an older couple are you now stable in terms of finances and housing - are you in a position to outsource some things like housework? If your child was born with significant challenges what then,?

how long before sickness starts as I won’t be able to hide that!

Well it doesn't always!

If you want a baby I wouldn't terminate bc of him. Contraception is also his responsibility. There can be a higher risk of certain conditions though, related to age. That is ok as long as you will accept the child no matter what.

The problem isn't necessarily being older parents. Plenty of older parents are energetic, loving and supportive.
It's all the other stuff, not least the change to your lives and your future.

I think that you need to have some counselling Op

Do you have a short cycle OP? You're only just late by 28 day cycle. And very early for sore boobs and sickness.

If you want the baby you should definitely have the baby. Like other posters have already pointed out, if he really didn’t want to risk a baby why didn’t he have a vasectomy?

I know plenty of people who’ve had babies at your age and older. Good luck!

Goodness, what a surprise for you,

is be honest with your feelings too - his views do not out vote yours.

and if you are on different pages no matter which you pick it could cos relationship problems.

go with what your heart wants.

lots of posts on here about being "alone"/needing to plan as if the father simply wasn't in the picture, but the sad truth is that having a septuagenarian husband or father can be a heck of a more difficult than simply not having one at all.

60, especially if his work is starting to slow down & he's reasonably vigorous physically, is actually a pretty ok age to be a father and maybe in 5-10 years' time be doing the school run and so on.

but 70 something and especially 80 something isn't really a good age to reliably be doing anything. OP's child could very easily be dealing with a sickly, worst case dead or dying, father before leaving primary school and will likelier than not have to deal with it before leaving university. this, of course, is no guarantee of a terrible life or anything of that sort, but it's not a non-consideration either.

my own father died at 65 after a c six month illness and I must say that, firstly, he'd have been a fantastic dad to a young kid for those those first five years but, secondly, it'd have damaged my quite badly to lose a parent at that age.

@Nothatgingerpirate

people can have life of their own after kids though. I know plenty of parents who manage to have hobbies, social life etc after having children

By the time they are late teens children are usually very independent. I think I would keep the baby, I think it’s a blessing !

DP is responsible for contraception as well as you; he's taken a risk. You haven't deliberately trapped him.
I'd be very careful not to terminate the pregnancy unless you are sure that is what you want. This is very likely your last chance to be a mother. DP may not like the situation, but that doesn't mean he can't or won't step up and do his best to support you and his child.

If it helps in your decision making, my mum was 73 when I had my girl (at 40!) and she is the light of her life. She looks after her one day per week and they are the best pals imaginable. It has been almost the greatest joy to me to see that relationship. Being an older mum is tiring, for sure but not impossible and perhaps you are in a position to get a nanny?

Look at your life. If you miscarry tomorrow (a possibility) will you feel relieved or sad? How do you see your life in ten or twenty years? Perfectly content and fulfilled without a child? If so that's your answer. My life would have been perfectly fulfilled without a child but now it is fulfilled in a very different way.