Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

It's fine for her to have her feelings but I think she is old enough to recognize that her wanting her father to be alone for her own comfort is not fair. And she should probably keep those feelings to herself.

After my father passed away I would never have stopped my mother from dating or told her that I didn't like it because even though I wouldn't have liked it, it wouldn't have been fair for me to make her feel guilty about that. And I was 21. If I understood that at 21 then this daughter should understand it at 38.

Odd how so many people see "middle aged" as an "ageist" or negative term. It's just a fact. There's no value judgement in it personally. I'd feel really daft kidding myself that I was a "young adult" when I'm approaching 40!

Being middle aged isn't a bad thing. It's just a life stage.

He didn't use protection when having sex with a woman who was not on any kind of birth control. It seems like he already made his choice. If he was adamant about not having other kids he could have had a vasectomy, he could have worn a condom.

OP, I am someone who had a baby at 43 and didn't find it especially hard at all. No harder than at any other age.
My personal experience.
And many others in my NCT group were of similar age.
Obviously you weigh up the risks and complications-I'm not here to try and persuade you one way or the other.

I don't think you should hide any of your feelings. If you feel joy and excitement in being pg, let him see that. You have your feelings, he has his, it isn't your job to tray and protect him.

He might be overcome for love for you and happy to fulfil your dream if he sees you happy - or he might be horrified, or feel guilty he doesn't fee the same.

But it is your job to think and feel what you do. Complicated though it is.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for his DD not to be happy and for him to know that.

That doesn't mean that I necessarily think you should terminate. Your wants right now and his DD's wants might be different. It doesn't mean either of your feelings are invalid.

Ultimately, it sounds like this is your last chance to have a baby. He might leave you. He might physically be unable to keep up as the child gets older. He might die. In my family, we tend to die in our 70s and your partner is 60 already. What is normal in his family? I see at least one poster has brought out the 'we all live until our 90s' comment but that's not the norm for everyone. No one in my family has lived that long, on either side.

Do you want a baby more than a relationship? How would you feel about being a single mother, whether now or later in the child's life?

It doesn't sound like you're close to his DD at all, so when he dies (and statistically, he will die first), she's not going to play the comforting daughter and you're going to be on your own. How do you feel about that? Will you wish you had your own child to comfort you and share your grief?

Yes, you have to consider your partner's feelings. And he, if not you as well, needs to consider his DD's feelings. But you are the one with the final say.

You can't guarantee you will carry this child to term. But you can say that you want to try, and that's your choice. Personally... it sounds to me like, despite all the challenges and opinions around you, you want to try. No woman who wants to continue with her pregnancy should be pressured into ending it.

OP, make the right choice for you. Whichever choice that is. YOLO!

It doesn't mean anything that he didn't have a vasectomy, it could just be he's precious about a knife near his bits.

So his daughter gets the joy of becoming a mother and you don't? Ridiculous. She's 38 fgs, time to grow up and respect you as a human being. This is obviously tricky to navigate, but ultimately should be a happy time if you're choosing to keep the baby. Congratulations!

My sister had her 8th child at 44, after a ten year gap. She was studying at the time, and went on to have a great career, and her little daughter is such a joy to everyone. Nobody could imagine her not being here even though she was a big surprise! it is let’s face it, your last chance to be a mother. The fact you are cut up about it shows that you at least partly want this child. I think you would never regret having her, but you may very well always regret not.

The OP already posted her DH 90 year old dad rides tractors.

So he could outlive the OP.

The DD is upset because if her father did drop dead tomorrow and her half-
sibling was young then she would be expected to help out. She would also have to maintain contact with the OP there as if there was no younger half-sibling then she could get away with having absolutely nothing to do with the OP.

Incidentally over the years I've met people in all sorts of situations including people whose nephew and/or niece where up to 10 years older than them, and adults whose step-parent were a few years older than them.

Why is everyone getting side tracked by the DD? The woman is oblivious and she's being vilified 😂

The DD is upset because if her father did drop dead tomorrow and her half-
sibling was young then she would be expected to help out. She would also have to maintain contact with the OP there as if there was no younger half-sibling then she could get away with having absolutely nothing to do with the OP

And you know these innermost thoughts and feelings of DD how exactly?

I haven’t read your whole thread so this may have been covered and apologies if so. But if not, and I speak as someone with extensive personal experience, do at least factor into your thinking that the chances of a pregnancy resulting in a healthy birth at 43 are not great. Even in much younger women, 1 in 4 pregnancies miscarry. So a realistic course of action may simply be to wait and see how long things continue.
I say this with kindness intended, as I know how hard it can be to pin even the tiniest amount of hope or excitement on something that doesn’t work out. Wishing you all the best.

I think you should keep the baby. If your partner wasn't that keen on kids he should have used condoms. At 60 he should know better.

I think you're mad honestly OP having a baby at your ages. I don't think it's fair on the baby, and it will be immensely hard. Your DH will be elderly while your DC is still primary aged. He may be fit now, but that can change quickly at his age.

Huge congratulations! This happened to me last year, I’m in my 40’s too. The best thing to happen to me X

Oh sorry! I’m that case I agree with you and took your words out of context. It came across ( to me) as a snide dismissal of the DD’s concerns - if indeed she even is concerned.

It may in fact be op supports the whole tribe financially.

But if not, and the DP has worked hard - as you mention - to put aside an inheritance for his existing children, then he ( and indeed his DD) might feel frustration at that being re-routed by a child he made clear he didn’t have plans for, and for that reason he was with a woman with fertility issues.

But all of this is speculation - as, indeed, is the very notion that the dd won’t be overcome with delight at the news. But there are valid reasons she might not be, not least that she knew her dad didn’t want it. It’s not fair to dismiss her out of hand as stroppy etc.

Yup!

It’s pretty impressive telepathy when the DD doesn’t even know the OP is pregnant yet😂

Have the baby, OP.

I posted a reply on another thread about a dilemma a lady is having with twins, and if she should keep them.

I replied about how I had my 3rd baby aged 38, in thr middle of Covid. She was unplanned and my DH is now 54 with a 5 year old. Obviously it isn't quite the same thing as we already have 2 older DC, but I couldn't go through with a termination, so I did what I wanted.

Our DD is a joy; beautiful, funny and such a character. She truly adds so much to our family. I know it's such a personal decision, and of course, your situation is different, but if you think there's a chance you might regret it... don't do the termination.

Only you can decide what you feel is best, practically and emotionally for you.

I understand the worry about the age but if you both decide to go ahead please don't let that put you off. My husband is in his late 50s and we're considering trying for another child. If we succeed the child will be loved, adored and yes his/her dad in particular will be older but I have friends with older parents and generally they've had a really happy life with good relationships with their parents. It's not always ideal and I do worry about the future sometimes but it is the way it's worked out, and we love our child so much, and her dad is very well established in his career and spends a lot of time with us. My dad was younger but worked 7 days a week because money was so tight when I was growing up.

Please don't live in fear of being older parents, if you decide to continue with the pregnancy. Be sure to consider your feelings and what you want as much as your husband's feelings in this. You mention you did want a child but gave that idea up for your husband. Perhaps this is your chance.

if you decide not to continue with the pregnancy then I'm sure you'll still have a brilliant life with your career and husband. Wishing you all the best but try not to let the fear take over, coming from an anxious person who frets all the time!

God you have such a negative opinion of being 60...

I'm 61. Not dead yet.

I've "lived my life"? God I fucking hope not!! I haven't even had the chance to retire yet!!!!

It’s really up to you nobody can tell you what to do, take some time to think about it before you tell him.

Never mind 60, we're all over the hill at 38 here 🤣🤣

Yes, it takes two to tango, but given that DP is 60, it’s entirely plausible that he was raised in an era where the idea that women handle contraception was the norm. Even if he didn’t want children, he might have felt that it was OP's
responsibility to ensure contraception.
And I'll probably be jumped on for this, but I don't think it's unreasonable for DP to consider the 38 year-old daughter's feelings. They're a family too.

All you can do OP, is have a good long look at your life as it is now, think about the positives and negatives from both having the child, and having a termination. I think this is going to be your call ultimately, and yours alone. It’s no use anyone apportioning blame to either you or your partner, it’s simply happened, and now has to be dealt with one way or another. There are going to be all sorts of impacts for you, your health, your relationship, your career, your finances, your time commitment, possibly your wider family. But there’s only you that can make the call. Life changing to a certain extent, no matter what you choose to do. Wishing you all the best.