Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

I was just going to say the same thing @sel2223 its absolutely ridiculous the things that have been said on here, in fact it’s worse than that, it’s vindictive and malicious about a woman we know nothing about and doesn’t even know about the baby.
I really do despair at some comments, ‘laugh in her stroppy face’ what kind of individual even thinks that let alone writes it in public!
I am more and more thankful for my very normal loving family every time I read a thread n here!

Cos I guess you’d be radiant with happiness if yours was suddenly impacted.

Is it her parents choice being compromised though?

Sounds pretty clear to me her dad doesn’t want a late life child.

Yes I couldn’t believe that comment.

My mum was 44 when I was born. I'm 23 now. There are pros and cons to having older parents. I worry about her health a lot and am sad that my kids will probably not get the same memories with her that I had with my grandma, but she is also a fab mum. Being older, she was more relaxed and calmer than my friends parents, shed seen more and done more if you like.

Overall, I'm happy she chose to have me when she made the choice.

But also, it is your life, whatever decision you make, it will be the right one x

Congratulations. Have the baby. It sounds like you very much want it. I agree that having a 60 year old father of a newborn isn’t ideal, but it’s ultimately a risk you both took having unprotected sex. As for yourself, women in their early 40s have babies all the time now. Just don’t get invested in the pregnancy until you are 12+ weeks as the older you are the higher the risk of miscarriage. Saying that I hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy.

I don’t think calling a 38 yo middle aged is crazy. Life expectancy of U.K. women is 83 - half that is 41.5.

38 isn’t wildly far away from 41.5 no?!

I don't really get why people keep saying this.
He didn't want kids & Op knew.
Op still chose to stay.
If she was so determined to have kids she could have left & found someone who wanted them!

Life isn't as black and white as that @diddl

She wasn't 'determined' to have kids.
She'd have liked some but she understood how he felt. She compromised by staying with a man she loved and decided to forgo having children.

Again, if it was so important to him never to have another child he could have had a vasectomy (because women don't always have to be the ones to sort contraception.) And they both took a chance of no contraception.
That was a greater choice/risk for him than OP.

The issue is not being pregnant at 43.
The issue is the father is 60 and was reluctant to have another child.

If it were me, I'd be saying to him. 'you didn't do much to stop this baby happening so we've got to get on with it and make the best of it now.'

It's one thing to say you don't want another child at 60 but unless you're actively doing something to prevent that, given your partner is only 43, then being shocked or walking away/ asking for a termination is not right.

I'm pro choice for the woman, but I also believe that terminations are wrong when the child has a good chance of a happy life in a financially secure home, with caring parents, even if one of them is older and not an 'ideal' age.

Completely agree! Very silly thing to get offended about. It's certainly the beginning of middle age.

I can't wait until the middle aged (!) stroppy interfering grabby daughter starts a thread about how her dad had confided in her that he doesn't want this baby and that his new wife trapped him by lying about her fertility 🤣. FFS this poor daughter doesn't even know OP is pregnant!

I couldn't quite believe that anyone these days thinks middle age is 38!

One of my daughters has just had her first child at slightly younger than 38!

No one refers to age as simplistic fraction of life expectancy.

Old age is now considered above 75.

Middle age is anywhere IMO from 50-75

ok op you wan straight answers. You want this baby, you have no child and frankly this is your last chance. This is your life as much as his. It certainly is not his daughter’s decision. I would keep the baby, and not tell the daughter until a good six months passes.

You are younger and the bulk of the baby rearing will come to you. Plenty of women in their 40s want a baby and cant have it. Plenty of women in their 40s raise babies and they are just fine. Yes it is exhausting but babies dont stay babies forever, only the first couple of months are exhausting and sleepless (and the toddler stage has its own challenges). So why dictate your life because of a few years. Look at this in the long run.

Politely disagree. 40+ is the beginning of middle aged. (40-65)

65 + old age / elderly etc

bloody hell someone who is 75 is not middle aged!!!

I don't have one, or anyone to leave me anything either. I have worked and saved and am still working and saving to put aside a bit of help for dd, knowing how hard the struggle is, and if I died and DH took a new partner (I think OP isn't married) and all that work suddenly had another claimant, I don't think it would be fair. And I expect dd would feel the same way.

I'm around that age too and consider myself middle aged. It's most likely that I'm in the middle of my life. Women have been having mid-life babies for millenia, that's got nothing to do with it.

I'm sorry but the idea that 75 could be considered middle aged is absolutely batshit.

My friend is 38 and recently received a copy of a medical report where the doctor had referred to her as a "middle aged woman".

I'm 34 and aghast. Middle age starts at whatever age my mother happens to be 😂

Ah one of your daughters is 38 which means you are likely 20 + years older than her which is skewing your view a little as you still want to think you have tons of middle aged years left and not closer to elderly. I did wonder your age when you first posted as I suspected a bit older than 38

im not far off 38 and yes I’m in the middle of my life. Hardly in my young years!! Neither young nor old, mid life!!

and I have no issue with women having babies in their 20/30/40s. A baby at 38 is fine! Still doesn’t mean she’s not close to 40 and midlife

For me the toughest part would not be taking care of the baby now or having an older parent when they are 20, but coping with a teenager when you are almost 60, and the energy it requires.

Women who are pregnant over 35 have always been referred to as 'geriatric' in medical terms.

Not so much women of 38 in general.

@Babybelle81 this happened to my mother. She was 44. 45 when she had my sister.
My dad was 49 when she was born.
She will turn 21 soon.
We lost our mum when the baby was 19.
Dad thankfully still here.
They had a beautiful relationship, so close and loving. There was a huge gap between her and the rest of us. But losing her at such a young age has been utterly heartbreaking for her. For all of us, but mainly for her.

I'm in my early forties now, I have one child. I always wanted another but it hasn't happened. I was always open to the idea of having one in my forties. Not anymore. I want to see my child grow up and watching my sister lose our mother has made me realise that I don't want to risk that happening to any child I might have.
Of course nothing is promised to any of us and no one knows how long they will live, but for me now, the risk just isn't worth it.

I hate the ageist comments here. MN is always like this.

I have many close family members who lived well into their 90s, including my great great great grandfather, all being active not in care homes, so 38 is a child to them!

And now we're off on one debating if 38 is middle aged or not 🙈😅

It was a joke as I am over 40, no offence taken hence the laughing emoji and 'fml'...just a joke!

Some of you on here need to take a day off. Imagine reading my whole reply about the animosity towards the daughter and that's what you took from it.

Ageist would be saying bad or negative things about someone according to their age.

i am not doing that. You just need to google what is middle aged @PaintedLadies even google agrees with me 40-60!! Your personal view that middle aged is 50-75 is probably in the minority

Speak for yourself. I am nearly 38 and no way am I considering myself middle aged!