Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

It might not be easy for lots of reasons but should so rewarding. Many woman work full time in a demanding career and have a
child/children, there are childminders, nurseries, nannies etc - at least you’ll have school holidays? I hope it works out for you.

I think your excitement says it all. Don’t do anything for your partner, think about you xx

given that DP is 60, it’s entirely plausible that he was raised in an era where the idea that women handle contraception

Bloody hell!

Husband & I are both 60 & he had a vasectomy & I don't think that was that unusual for a couple of our age!

After having our two kids I said that was that-his turn!

Yikes op!

give him some time

how exciting for you!

at his age and hers it’s a shame he still worries about judgement from her

you can’t live your life for other people tho

anyway a child will keep him young

I had my daughter at 42 and have never been mistaken for her grandmother

@Thisismetooaswell The baby's father is 60 - most people would assume he's a grandparent.

If you want the baby, have the baby.

It doesn't matter what anyone else wants. It is your body, and you will be the one regretting for the rest of your life if you are pushed into something you don't feel is right for you.

Could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. You are not (too) old. But as everyone says, you need to think carefully and decide. Sending kind thoughts to you OP.

You want this baby, it's obvious.

A baby is for the whole of the rest of your life and you are going to love this new human like nothing you've ever felt before.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but your DH is likely to be in your life only for the next 20 years or so.

And as a previous poster said, your DH is equally responsible for this baby's existence. Don't let him coerce you into something you may come to deeply regret, especially when you are widowed and facing a lonely old age.

Have the baby if it’s making you feel excited. Babies are blessings. 43 is not too old. But 60 kinda is - that’s not parenthood territory, that’s grandad territory. Your issue here isn’t the baby it’s the age gap

My husband's parents were old parents. His dad died when he was a young teenager and he became a carer for his mum.
It's not great tbh
You also will not have your own life ever again realistically but if that's something you want then that's it.

How will you feel if your baby is disabled? The risk increases substantially as an older mum. Who will look after it when you are gone?

All things to consider

We've had family die at various ages. Quite a few of my dad's siblings reached their 90s, although he didn't, and one of them died aged 60. I have an aunt still alive well into her 90s on his side, and one of my mother's side.

My parents had a large age gap, and "statistically" it always was accepted in our family that dad would die first. Didn't happen, he died first and she died far too young not long after him.

I had an amazing career in the city when I found out I was pregnant at 43. My daughter is now 12, and the light of our lives, keeps us young and on our toes. The only thing we didn't consider was that the grandparents will be older/need additional help at the same time as your rearing a youngster. Its not easy, but I've never regretted it for a moment.

My guess is that OP will have the baby, and I certainly wish her well.
But I would also, given the circumstances, advise her to take steps to protect herself and her child given certain possibilities - namely that DP becomes unavailable for whatever reason - personal, health-related, widowhood, especially as they are not married but partners.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. It's wonderful news and I can tell you're excited underneath.

Don't try to sort everything out right now. Let things unfold and the dust settle as it will eventually. It doesn't matter who gets upset or what people's reactions are, it's not their decision and they don't have a say. There's a tiny little life growing inside of you, it's you and the baby that matter now.

Oh give over, he's not Methuselah!

I’ll be honest OP, the father is 60, regardless of how well he looks after himself that is old for a new dad.

Even if he helps out during the initial years, he will not have energy when your child will really need him.

so my question to you is: are you prepared to be a lone parent?
there is a higher risk of the baby having special needs. If this happens are you prepared to give up your career and look after your child?
i am going through the teenage years, my first son has special needs and has always been challenging, but I wasn’t expecting for my second easy lovely child to be difficult as a teenager. I am really happy I have DH to share the work with! Being a parent is the biggest most difficult responsibility you’ll ever have.
please just go into it with your eyes open.

True. But he is old. It's not helpful to pretend otherwise.

Love it!

Christ, what a truly negative outlook.

A good friend of mine lost her mum when she was 14 to breast cancer - her mum was 36.
Another friend of mine in her early 40's and has just been diagnosed with motor neurone disease - she's gone from fit and healthy to wheelchair bound in a matter of months. Her kids are 11 and 8.
It's sad that your husband had to deal with that but it can happen at any age unfortunately.

Risks of disability both physical and mental do increase with age, that's true, but that's in comparison to younger parents. Again it's something that can happen to parents of any age and, even in the over 40's, it's still statistically far more likely that your child will be born healthy than not.

As for 'you will not have your own life ever again' .... is that a serious comment?

As a woman who is 43 and pregnant the NHS will give her tests that they don't give a 33 year old.

I know because I also had a child at 43.

Also due to society's sexism it isn't an issue that the dad is that old. If it was the other way round it would be.

Selfish you mean?

Yeah, my father is 74 and he had one when this 60 year old would have been a teenager, so I dont think this "in the old days" rubbish holds any weight at all!

Oh-my-fucking-god, I have heard it all now!!!!!!!!

The man is 60 not 90!!!!

You do know we had running water, electricity and television back in the 1960s? Now granted TV was black and white for a bit but my dad who'd be coming 100 now, was a gadget man and sprinted out to get a colour one as soon as he could! We'd cars too, not horses and traps!!!!!

I guess you haven't noticed that people are brought up in different families with different cultures and different ideas. Honestly, you should get out more.