Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

How has this spiralled to the plot twist that the DD has commanded abortion? I doubt she even knows about it.

Yes presumably op is fully able to manage the basis on which she entered a relationship.

She's allowed to have a problem with it and still not wish her half-sibling ill.

The impact on other people’s lives vs OP are so minute that they are barely even worth taking into account.
OP should keep the baby if she wants it, what’s the alternative, terminate a wanted pregnancy because a grown up daughter is having a hissy fit over her inheritance. No one should be making termination decisions based on other people’s opinions. The person that has to live with the result of keeping or terminating is the OP.

GPs haven’t routinely confirmed home pregnancy tests for 20 years.

Don’t rely on that. She may be interested, or she may not - and she’s unlikely to offer practical support if she has two kids of her own.

There is also the issue of inheritance, and in this day, I don't think it is greedy to hope to have something from our parents that may help get us or our children on the property ladder.

Actually I think it is greedy. Your parents have already done so much for you while getting you to adulthood. I don't think it's fair to ask them to compromise their choices in later life so you can have more money when they die. They should be free to enjoy their money and their old age how they want to without having to feel guilty about inheritance.

Interesting point…I’m trying to see how that would work as to me that’s two conflicting views.

If you think the impact on the dp’s life in his latter years is going to be minimal, you have never had a child.

Take your partner out of the equation for the moment. If you want to have this baby then have it. Your partner will either get on board or he won't, but you are the person who's central to this, not him.
I was 44 when I had DS and he's nearly 15 now. He's never missed out on anything because I'm older. Indeed the opposite. I'm more financially secure, I have my own business now, I've finished my travelling that I did when I was younger. If you want your baby then it's absolutely your decision to do so. Similarly, if you decide not to go ahead then that has to be for you - not for anyone else.

Also no one is saying op should terminate because of it, simply that the father did nothing wrong to acknowledge and worry that it might upset her. Has he asked op to terminate? You’ve flung the plot from first gear to fifth…

I’ve got three :)

in my PP I’ve said OP and partners opinions matter. Daughters matters not an ounce

Tbh most step children if adults may find it hard /weird or even disgusting that their dad is going to be a dad again

Whispers having sex 🙀🙀😂😂

Esp if has grandkids before or after

But

Their view isn't important

And hopefully once shock is over they will be happy for you both

Dh and I had a baby when dh had 3 kids in their 20's

They were shocked but knew it may happen as was ivf and previous ones failed

But they adore their little sister and their children so dh grandkids are my daughters niece and nephew so she is Aunty mini blondes which they all find funny

But dd is now 7 and grandkids are 6 and 3 and all play so nicely when see each other

They are family

I wouldn't be happy if my elderly father had a child (moot point, he died at 70 and only had me and my full siblings), but if he did, I'd keep my opinion to myself, and I certainly wouldn't wish the child any harm. But I'd have found it very icky, if I were middle aged (or anything past teen, really), that my own children were older than their aunt or uncle, and that my elderly father was to become a father again.
And yes, the fact that a new child would mean less of my father's time and energy for my children, his grandchildren. because that's generally the natural order of things, all being well with the grandfather's health, I'd feel upset. We are all happy for the OP, and she deserves her chance at motherhood, but I was just saying, I can see why an adult child from the first family might find it not super.

No it isn’t. You can find things hard to come to terms with without wishing people dead. That’s all people are saying. She might honestly not like the situation ( her dad’s latter years re-routed from his plans etc) and even feel sorry for the new baby in the situation. None of that is inconsistent with her being upset about the development.

Yes I get you.

My stepmum desperately wanted children when she met my dad but he said he was done with his children from first marriage and never wanted another.

When I found out later I was initially relieved for child me who might have found it hard. But adult me felt so sorry for my DSM and I realised I would never have wanted to stand in the way of what she wanted by voicing my opinions. In the end it was my dad who stopped it (purely I think because he didn’t enjoy parenthood 0-18 the first time around) but as an adult I would always understand her feelings would blow absolutely any of my concerns rightly out the water, I would never voice them

Exactly.

This isn’t a Grimm’s Fairy Tale. You don’t HAVE to have a bad guy. In reality, emotions are far more complicated than that.

"latter years re-routed from his plans" is perfectly put - I'd certainly not have wanted this for my parents when they were 60, being parents again (obviously impossible for my mother). 60 is when we can start slowing down, take time to travel again, have a lie in, sleep, relax. Not up changing nappies and doing night feeds, or crawling through softplay tunnels. I am in the thick of child-rearing years still, and can not imagine doing this at 60+.

The other issue that OP needs to consider is the health of DH. These days 60 is the new 40, but unexpected things do happen. Having a baby at 43 is one thing; having a baby at 43 with a husband who is 60 is another. She could become a carer to a child and a husband. That's another risk to a situation like this that she just needs to bear in mind.

38year old will be thinking of her inheritance.

MN is wild

Catching up on this thread and suddenly we've all turned on the 38 year old daughter (who one poster described as 'middle aged' fml 🤣) who doesn't even seem to know anything about this pregnancy yet. WTH?

The OP's partner has made one comment about how his DD might feel about it and we've just jumped on it calling her all sorts..... she's been called jealous, utterly ridiculous and she has obviously never been told no before apparently! She's also demanded a 'vote' and wants the final say on whether or not OP decides to terminate at the same time as being greedy and completely money obsessed. only interested in her own inheritance!

All this from the OP's partner simply voicing a pretty normal and understandable concern about telling his adult daughter she would be getting a half sibling older than her own 2 kids.

We have absolutely no idea about this woman or how she will react - infact OP herself said she would consider her support invaluable a few pages back.

Is it really necessary to 'laugh in her stroppy face' as commented a few pages back?

It sounds like you have prioritised your DH’s needs for years - it’s time to put yourself first - you want a baby - so keep the baby! You and the baby are your priority now. Congratulations by the way 😊

I don't really get why people keep saying this.

He didn't want kids & Op knew.

Op still chose to stay.

If she was so determined to have kids she could have left & found someone who wanted them!

This is exactly what I think.

She’s being called “ selfish” when actually the only selfish attitude that had in fact surfaced on this thread is people saying she had no right to feel anything: “ she has no vote.” People don’t need to qualify as “having a vote” for others to realise they might very likely feel upset about something. There are “ rights” and then there’s just common empathy.

It’s because we’ve slipped down the MN rabbit- hole of mindless vilification of some players.
In reality, life is more nuanced