Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

I don't think he robbed her...she did agree to it.

The fact that you fell naturally pregnant at 43 just goes to show you are not too old.

Have the baby ditch the partner.

Well, by necessity because of his age, the younger partner is going to end up bearing the brunt of the childcare.

Also, that's a bit negative. A new baby might give him a new lease of life.

I had my second at 43 @Babybelle81 . I had my first at 39 after meeting my husband a few years earlier. I really, desperately wanted a second child and didn't think much about my age. I've never smoked, hardly drink alcohol, I'm a healthy weight, run 3 x a week, generally very active. I think I was honestly healthier when I had him than in my early 20's and 30's, when I was still going out drinking, plus I was financially secure and really had my head screwed on.

The pregnancy went really well, because of my age I had more check ups and scans which was a positive. The early months were hard but they are for most people, regardless of what age you are. I had no help, just me with a bit of help from my husband. It was hard but worth it.

I'm 50 now with two absolute hell-raising boys who are full of life, I adore them. We do so much together, from swimming to holidays, and they keep me young and active. I was telling them last night how much I wanted them and how I knew I loved them before they were even born (I can remember the day with both of them when I was pregnant and had an overwhelming feeling of love). I think I'm perimenopausal but I'm doing okay and dealing with that through diet and exercise. Your time will no longer be your own and you will have to snatch moments either on your own or with friends but I think your age helps in this matter because a) you've probably already done lots in life so won't feel like you're missing out too much and b) you are less inclined to get involved in drama and know what you will and won't tolerate.I also think adulting for so long beforehand gave me tonnes of life experience and organisational skills which have helped me massively!

Strap in for the ride and best of luck with it! xxx

My advice would be to get a scan and see if it's viable, only then do you need to think about what to do next.

I think it is normal for a parent to consider how another child would affect the existing children, even if they are adults.

It doesn’t mean that the daughter is being allowed to make the decision or that her feelings trump anyone else’s. It just shows that dad values their relationship and wants to minimise any friction in the family.

It would be quite selfish and unusual for her dad not to consider her feelings about a major change to their family. This baby would/will be her sibling. They are blood and will hopefully be tied together for life, although given the age gap baby will probably be more like a cousin to her children than their aunt.

@Babybelle81 when my dad’s new wife got pregnant with an unwanted baby, he stopped short of asking her for an abortion because of how much he loved me and my siblings and he couldn’t imagine his life without us. That was literally the only thing that kept him from asking her to terminate.

The daughter may be the thing that brings him round to this pregnancy.

He did maintain his position that as he didn’t want the baby he wouldn’t be helping so he got her a nanny and moved into a spare bedroom at the other end of the house for the first year so he wouldn’t be woken at night. Hopefully your DH won’t be such a dick.

Unfair comment

If you wanted to have a baby all along and didn't because of your partner's choices, that was very selfish of him IMO.

I am aghast that you wanted a baby but sacrificed this wish for him. He knows what it's like to have kids and he was happy to rob you of that.

I don't agree with this.

Op made a choice to stay knowing that he didn't want kids.

Good luck with the pregnancy OP. I’ve recently had my first baby at 42. I had an easy pregnancy and birth and wouldn’t change a thing.

Not sure the relevance of the question? I was speaking to the OP who is the same age as me and potentially about to embark on motherhood. I stated I feel I am a better parent now than I would have been at 33.

I wont have young children at 60 and I won't have teenagers in my late 70s?

I'm assuming you're referencing her DH - I was answering the original question giving honest thoughts about being pregnant at 43. None of your scenarios will be the OP

For what its worth, I have a 16 month year old and week year old baby at 40 and I actively chose to do that by myself at this time of my life. Best decision I ever made. It's obviously different for everyone, and your pregnancy is still early, but if you think you want to be a mother then I know loads of people who have kids in their 40s. I also think people underestimate the advantages of being older, more established and emotionally grounded as a parent which is, I think, the massive advantage of being older when you have them.

I had zero parents and I've done okay.

My kids are incredible and also doing fine now I've divorced their dad and he's doing less than the bare minimum.

It's probably a good idea - you can do a scan at about 6-7 weeks privately that will give you that answer given that at 43 the risks of it not being a viable pregnancy are just statistically higher. Better not to wait for the NHS 12 week scan.

Practically, I would have an early scan at about 7 weeks (since your last period).

I don't wish to sound negative, but your background miscarriage rate is >50% and I would not start exploring thoughts about the future (and Down's Syndrome screening) until I needed to.

My daughter was born when I was 42 and there are lots of other parents around of a similar age.

Poor OP. You'll be even more competition now with your own baby. His DD sounds like a nightmare. She'll feel pushed out. I can understand. It's not necessarily what you want as an adult daughter to see your 60 year old dad having a new baby. But in the end, everyone can adjust I guess.

Dare I ask about inheritance and money etc. That will no doubt be the first thing she considers... or at least very soon after, once she is told.

If your partner doesn't want DC then you could be a single parent? I did it at 27 and it's so hard. I'm older than you but I remember being your age and I just didn't have the energy or stamina. We also went through a really rough patch and I didn't think we'd come out the other side.

But if you are certain then do it. My DS is my world but it's not been easy.

If you want the baby, have the baby. As other posters have said, get a scan privately.

You've established your career...a year out is not going to kill it.

Whilst it is nice your DH thought about his daughter's feelings, they don't really enter into it that much. She may not like it as your DH predicts, but it isn't her affair. Her possible embarrassment does not trump you being a mother if you want to be one.

Let's face it, you will probably be a widow a long time, and you have to think a little bit about if your DH's attitude is because he sees your motherhood as interfering with you caregiving for him as you both get older. On the other hand, You may be raising a child and caring for him at the same time.

And, if you don't have the baby, then you'll be his caregiver, and there is a good possibility unless you are married that all his property goes to his kids. So after he dies, you may be left with nothing. No family, no assets etc., and I don't tend to think his daughter is going to be too concerned about your well being. I could be wrong, but probably not.

Congrats, OP.

Obviously this has gone off on a tangent with the SD comments, but my views on that are, she is allowed to feel upset, because it changes everything for her and the dynamic with her father, the grandfather of her children. She perhaps was hoping when he retires, her children would see more of him, and he would be a devoted grandfather. With a new young child of his own, that totally changes.

There is also the issue of inheritance, and in this day, I don't think it is greedy to hope to have something from our parents that may help get us or our children on the property ladder. A new child will mean less for his grandchildren - in fact, likely nothing. Life is really hard now, financially, for our young people, and I don't think it's greedy to consider things like this.

Best to keep it, love baby poweder smell and that soft lovely skin on a babys head and The baby will keep you young in later years when all your friends have become empty nesters

I have no support here apart from his grown up kids. One of them has two of her own so she would be invaluable I think.

In what way did you think that she would be invaluable?

I am going to go woo woo here OP. What are the chances of an accidental pregnancy at 43 ? You always wanted this and sacrificed a baby for your partner, and that’s so selfless and loving but maybe this baby is meant for you.

Now to be brutal and honest and cynical…

I don’t mean to be be mean but how much freedom is he really sacrificing at 60 ? He’s hardly in his prime, he’s not giving up big plans to backpack around Australia ? I mean I know you can be a grey nomad and have a good retirement but he maybe has a decade of that spent gallivanting ? He’s lived his life and had his kids, what about you ? You’re thinking of everyone else whose thinking of you ?

How will you feel if you have an abortion and he has a heart attack tomorrow ? And you’re left without a partner or a baby ? Would you regret it ?

Having a baby alone is hard but it’s not a decision you’ll regret. You will need support of some sort.

The thoughts of an adult daughter should be of no consideration - zero. She needs to focus on her own life. My instinct is her concerns are about money.

Speaking of money why doesn’t he support you in that way so he can have his freedom. A nanny and a cleaner and your financial situation are also important factors.

I truly wish you the best op and it’s okay to frame this as what’s best for your baby. It’s okay to think of your baby as a baby ! You don’t have to frame this as abortion vs having a baby. Wherever you decide is fine but also, how you approach those decisions - deciding to embrace the baby as a non negotiable and marinate in your happiness and joy - that’s also okay too. :)

So hope you're doing OK Babybelle, your brain must be racing right now.

You have a lot to process and work through but right now, try and remember that you don't need to do anything so grant yourself some grace to just take things minute by minute, hour by hour.

While your DP isn't jumping up and down for joy, he's also going to be going through a million thoughts too. This will throw up all kinds of things for him, not least his own mortality, his previous failed relationship, any guilt/issues he has about how he's parented his children and of course, all of the plans he's been putting into place for the next chapter of his life which he thought would be retirement, but now could mean something very, very different.

All you can do is follow your gut instinct about what to do now. Disregard his daughter and her relationship with him, that's for the two of them to deal with, and focus on you and your future and what you want from life. Whatever you decide, or whatever happens, you'll know, deep down, what direction you want to move in and then you can start to plan.

Keep talking here if it helps you to make sense of it all. Sending love x

His daughter doesn’t get a vote on what’s happening inside your womb OP. Your opinion followed by your partners is all that matters

Yeah but if she has a problem with it essentially she’s saying I hope you kill my half sibling so I get more inheritance.
Sounds a bit like a Shakespeare play!!

Oh no not more voting! 🙄 Who are all these families who sit round casting votes?!

But for all the lack of votes, things don’t happen in a vacuum. Op’s decisions will have ramifications for others whether they get any say in it or not, and her partner is allowed to acknowledge them.