Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

Hello, just wanted to share my experience as a child born to a 47 year old mother (who got the shock of her life as also thought she was going through menopause!)

Yes, it will be hard and tiring, but my parents have always made it clear I was very loved and wanted as soon as they knew about me. There are downsides and upsides to having older parents, and of course I will have less time with them in good health, but I don’t think any of us would change anything.

I don’t think it’s ideal to plan a baby very late in life (at your husband’s age for instance!) but that’s just life - it doesn’t always go to plan and things will be OK if this is what you choose :)

@NeighbourHitMyCar would you be a better parent of young child if you were 60? What about a parent of a teenager in late 70s

My partner is 40, we've just had our second.... Disclaimer (!) he wasn't up changing nappies either. It's not an age thing. I don't even want to make it a man thing. He is a great dad, but I'm the one up all night boobing, changing etc.

If you want your baby, have it.

Motherhood is wonderful. Exhausting, crazy... and wonderful. Ps I'm 40 with two and considering a 3rd. My friend is about to pop at 42. So your a littler older, it's not hair raisingly old. Trust me. You'll see a whole age range at school pick up, and it's all OK.

Idk man.. I think children do best when they have a dad in the picture. Or at least two parents

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

This is wonderful joyous news, that a woman of your age who wanted a baby and couldn't is now pregnant. Congratulations. It's early days and certainly as every woman knows, the first three months we never tell anyone, other than partner/close family because it's too soon to say.

Yes you are on the older side, but many of us had children late, age brings maturity and calmness.

You are very focused on the needs of your partner and his adult daughter. How about focusing on what you want, it's clear as day you want a baby.

My husband never got up in the night time because I was on maternity leave and breastfeeding so what was the point, also my husband had a very stressful job that entailed a lot of international travel. If you have a successful pregnancy you'll have maternity leave you can do all the nights. When you have a baby it changes everything, how you view life, and how you view what is important. You will not mind getting up because you will love that baby. You're hot wired to.

Best of luck in whatever you choose. Remember it's your choice, and yours alone. Best of luck.

Yes exactly! I thought the same with my dad, and he was a bit younger (50!)

however, you’ve got to think about what you want imo. If he didn’t want more kids he should’ve had the snip!

I'll be honest with you OP - you aren't going to terminate this baby. I've never had one so obviously I can't comment and I'm not against them either but the way you are talking, you won't be able to do it, even if he asks you to, it's got to come from a place of, 'shit I really don't want this', and that is clearly not how u feel! You will be fine, watch Bridget jones (the baby one) and it'll make you feel a lot better 😉 it'll be tough but it does get easier. Oh and congratulations!

Please don’t terminate this pregnancy for fear of what his daughter thinks OP. This is your baby and your body. It’s nothing to do with her.

Nothing that Op needs to consider important though. His daughter is an adult and really doesn't need much consideration in this situation.

It’s none of the 38 year olds business. Full stop.

So OP should terminate her much wanted baby so it doesn’t affect her step daughter’s inheritance? How ridiculous.

@MrsPeregrine did I say that? No! But it is ridiculous to assume it might not impact the step daughter

His daughter will probably think her dad has been rather naive at 60 to not think about contraception. Also I’m a similar age to her and yes she has her own life and her own children but I can absolutely see why she would be shocked by this and not happy. But OP that is all to do with him not you. This is not an immaculate conception. He’s had 60 years on this earth and knows how a baby is made. He owes it to you to support you, even if he ultimately decides he does not want to be in a relationship and raise another family.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, you definitely need his love not his sadness/upset at this moment in your life. I think you need to be realistic that even if you stay together he probably is not going to be reach a point of genuine excitement. You may be better taking some time to yourself, staying with relatives/friends to get your head in a better space and think about what the future will look like if you did this alone.

I completely agree with this.

Babies aren’t hobbies. It’s perfectly reasonable that at his age he thinks he’s no longer an ideal candidate for fatherhood. There is another thread going where the ( male) op is 50 and wanting to sire with his new gf and everyone is saying you’re way past reasonable parent age for a newborn.

Sometimes there is more thsnk one perspective to a situation. The fact that other people might see things differently ( more broadly even) doesn’t make them horrible.

A middle-aged daughter with her own children won’t want you to have a baby?

Well she’ll have to get over herself won’t she.
It’s not up to her.
I hope she’s not as utterly ridiculous and jealous as he’s made her sound.

Has anyone ever said no to her?

I’d laugh in her stroppy face.

Just be careful you don't find yourself 'doing deals' with him along the lines of "this is my decision and I accept that it's not ideal for you, but I want this baby so I accept that I will doing the day to day" blah blah blah.

Let him have a few days. And let him consider his daughter's feelings but then he needs to start being responsible and equally invested in coming to the right decision as a couple.

I can’t ever help but comment on these kinds of posts because I have been in a similar situation before.

You have to follow your heart. And as this is a wanted child you have to be very real about what a termination would mean emotionally and psychologically. Could you handle that?

I am absolutely pro-choice for the record. But pro-choice means exactly that- CHOICE. It sounds like you want the baby. So how can you make it work if you go ahead with the pregnancy?

You are on the older side, but that’s irrelevant these days. Two women in my NCT were early 40s with their first when I did it. Only one was in her 20s, but 29 at that. This is just the way of life these days. This can’t be a deciding factor. Yes- you’ll need to think about things like life insurance for worst case scenarios but every parent should be thinking about this anyway.

You’ve worked hard at your career. That MAY take a back seat now, but presumably means you are financially secure enough to provide the child with what it needs, and good maternity benefits too maybe?

You may be going it alone in terms of night feeds etc. but if you are financially secure enough could you pay for a night nanny, or have you got family who can help out?

Only you can decide whether the pros outweighs the cons and whether the cons can be overcome.
Take a bit of time to really think about it. BPAS and MSI offer counseling services if you need to talk through your options.

Firstly, congratulations OP, and I hope all goes well! I wont comment on your DP and his DD because many others have given good advice already.

Just to put some perspective on the being an older mum part of this though, I had my DD at 41, so not much younger than you, and my DS at 48. DD has just turned 15 and I really am not exhausted by it all. Lots of her friends' parents are a similar age, or only a little younger, so I don't stand out particularly and have plenty in common with them.

It is slightly different with DS, as I am a fair bit older than his friends' parents, and he keeps making comments about me dying, so we are having to address this at the moment. I am also aware that I really need to start exercising more and taking care of myself to make sure I am fit enough to be the best parent I can be to him, and for my own sake. However, it sounds like you already look after yourself so fitness etc won't be a problem, plus you are 5 years younger than I was when he was born.

Just enjoy the whole thing and bear in mind that your DP is very likely to change his view completely when the baby actually arrives. They really do give you a whole new lease of life (once you have got used to the sleepless nights at least).

Love how much animosity there is towards the daughter…who knows nothing about this so hadn’t said or done anything.

Let’s hold off on being mean u til she does something to deserve it maybe?

If I was her, I’d be concerned about how my beloved dad was going to cope with broken nights, being much more tired, tied to caring responsibilities, and then not having the sort of retirement I’d envisaged for him after a lifetime of work - spending time pursuing his interests, and resting up if that’s what he needed. Not spending it as a SAHD to a primary aged child and then dealing with a teenager all over again. And I’d feel like that however much of his own fault it was, because once the child is a reality, nobody can go back and do things differently, only deal with what is. I could very easily be unthrilled in her position.

It’s important to take him out of the equation because choosing to keep the baby may mean the end of the relationship.

I don’t think it will in this case and I have a suspicion from the gym comment that he hasn’t jumped straight to abortion.

@Babybelle81 Congratulations on your news, you need to do right by you.

My cousin had her baby at 48! Conceived naturally and baby was healthy.

Good luck with it all xx

I understand exactly what you are saying, MarvelJesus, it is a real concern but the baby is a reality so people have to make the best of the situation. There's no point in being negative, what's done is done. It may not be too difficult, from what the op says they seem to be quite well set up.

Sorry to be brutal, but,

• be prepared for miscarriage, and,

-have a think about different scenarios and what you would most regret. Would parenting a high needs child on your own be a better bet that your current status quo, missing out on parenting? There is no right or wrong answer, but would recommend you think about these eventualities.

Totally agree @MarvelJesus you explained it perfectly.