Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

Your SDD is a grown adult woman not much younger than you are! I don't think she has any right to object. Why does he think she will "go mad"? Surely she must have considered it as a possibility when her dad got together with a woman so much younger? Would she like to have been denied the opportunity to have children? Tell him that if this is the "last thing" his daughter will want then maybe he should have take steps to prevent it!

Do you get on well with her generally?

I am aghast that you wanted a baby but sacrificed this wish for him. He knows what it's like to have kids and he was happy to rob you of that. It doesn't really paint him in a very good light.

This too.

@Babybelle81 He also needs to take responsibility for the fact you are pregnant. I assume he knew you were not using contraception and he hasn't had a vasectomy so he knew the risk too.

How long have you been with your partner OP?

It seems like you're happy with the pregnancy and that's wonderful. What his daughter makes of it (or anyone else for that matter) doesn't come into it, but if he doesn't come round you might have to just make your peace with that and separate (with him contributing obviously)

I think it’s totally understandable that a man of 60 isn’t keen on the OP having the baby. I imagine the OP had said to him that it was very unlikely that she would conceive, she has mentioned her medical history so it must be a tremendous shock to him. He’s entitled to care about his daughter’s feelings and I don’t agree with those people running her down. Mumsnetters always seem to want to be so disparaging so quickly when they don’t even know the slightest thing about a person. This will obviously affect the whole family.
It’s a lovely thought having a tiny baby of course it is, but tiny babies become stroppy teenagers and cost a lot of money, it’s a full time job for the next eighteen years, you have to realistic!

Whatever you decide, make sure it what YOU really want. That's all.

If you genuinely long to have a child then this could well be your only chance. Your career will be fine, teaching has good holidays and most nurseries offer term time places. Yes it will be tough, but it is at any age.

I can understand some trepidation at 60, but you are still young enough to be there for many many years to come.

Quite! My aforementioned 71 year old dad went clubbing in Fabric at the weekend, and went to Ibiza in the summer with his friends. He doesn't drink or do drugs and keeps himself healthy so he can do what he loves. He's certainly great company for his many friends. More sociable than I am even. Pahaha not great company 😂

Do what YOU WANT. Please.

Your relationship with him will be probably be over if you terminate, or if you don’t.
He sounds like a tool and I wouldn’t be letting him make any decisions for me.

His daughter might be delighted. It reminds
me of that song ‘How high can a sycamore grow, if you cut it down then you’ll never know.’
Don’t let him bully you. Take your time.

@OatFlatWhiteForMePlease Teaching is hard with little ones due to lack of flexibility and long working hours (esp evenings and weekends). Teachers in school around 8, leave at 5 (on a good day), working again after kids in bed. No opportunities for school runs etc.
My kids are 17, 14 and 4 (all planned) and it's hard for the little one.

I don't really understand why someone in her position would be unthrilled, though. It's a new baby! What's not to like? If I suddenly had another sibling at the age of 38, I'd be ecstatic!

The older the mum is ,the more likelihood of complications. You have options, think ot through carefully and hopefully you'll decide the best course of action.

OP I know your head now is worrying about your DH but just to add my POV.

I am just about to be 44 and have a 2 and a 4 year old. It is tiring but my god they are amazing and I am a fantastic mother

In my view I am wiser, more mature, have more life experience, am further on in my career, better off financially and have a lovely home for my children. I think I make a better parent now than I would have 10 years ago. (I speak for myself and know this isn't the case for everyone)

Yes I will be older when they are 20s but right now, it is blissful

She can have feelings certainly but should not have any influence in decision-making.

I totally disagree. There is nothing wrong with telling someone you don’t want (any more) children. It’s not robbing anyone of anything. I was totally upfront when I met my dh I was done having kids-he was free to leave and find someone else if he had wanted. So unless he lied and led her along, the guy has done nothing wrong. I would’ve been horrified to be landed with a baby in my forties as I was looking forward to the next stage in life. But to describe it as ‘robbing’ someone is crazy.

To be fair to the daughter, I'd be pretty grossed out by one of parents having a partner only 5 years older than me, and I'd be shocked at getting a new sibling at the age of 38/9. It is all a bit bizarre.

OP, you need to think with both your head and heart here, and make the decision that is right for you and potential child.

Age of mum and dad is a much higher risk of disabilities, which would be harder to cope with as older parents. He really doesn't want a baby at 60 but then he should have insisted on contraception if he really cared about it. This is probably your only chance to have the baby you've always wanted. There's pros and cons, weigh them all up.

It really is none of his adult daughters business and does not impact her life in any significant way. Op should definitely put her own needs before anyone else.

It sounds like you want the baby. Surely part of you knew it was possible to still get pregnant? This will probably be your only chance, but you don't need to make a decision today

That sounds really tough. I'm sorry you had to endure that x

I agree. I don’t think this is about her she is 38.

That is why I urged caution. I think OP needs to consider whether she can raise the baby alone if it comes to it - he reneges now or at a later stage, or indeed just gets ill.

@NosinaBook if there is an inheritance could impact daughter and grandchildren

Probably will impact time he spends with daughter and grandchildren

I agree. I remember being 2 or 3 years into my relationship with my husband, who didn't want any more children at the time, that I wanted to be a mother, and if it couldn't be with him, it would have to be with someone else. He cried. But eventually he decided that having one more wouldn't be so bad. After all, he felt like he had missed a lot of his first two daughters' early childhoods, having had to work so much when he was younger... He's wrapped around our 3 yo's finger, now.

I had to get my tubes removed after having DD, otherwise I would have leg-locked him into giving me another, but I honestly don't think I was meant to have more than one, so I have no ragrets. You gotta find someone who fits into your life, and vice versa.

Don't think for one minute you can't do this alone if you have to. Don't think you need a man to do it. We are sold this crap that we need a man to feel worthy, complete and happy. No.

You have to be so sure. I had a termination (due to vasectomy fail) earlier this year. Despite me having zero excitement at the pregnancy and failure to see how it could work (husband works abroad a lot, v busy with the two kids we have, previous PN depression, would likely need to move etc) I still think about it and wonder if I did the right thing.

Very tough decision, OP. On the one hand, it's wonderful to have a baby. On the other hand,, there are two caveats: older parents (men as well as women) have a greater risk of birth defects. The second is that your husband is not keen, which may cause problems in your relationship and affect his ability to be a good father.
If you're happy to run those risks and have a plan to manage them, have the baby. But good to be mindful, imo.