Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

Indeed.

I don’t see what is so wrong with the partner being sensitive to his daughter’s feelings; but you only need to cast a situation before a herd of mumsnetters for the nasty comments to start flowing.

"He then said - that’s the least of your worries, it’s only going to get worse"

To me that says he's accepted the situation, so I'd see it as a positive.

He'll be in shock; he's had kids and knows how much they turn your life upside down (although the joy you get from kids is immeasurable..!)

I also think he's fine to be worried about what his daughter thinks as long as that doesn't actually hold weight in any decisions you make as a couple.

I'm 35 and my dad is 71 and single, and we're quite close. If he told me he'd got someone pregnant I'd be a bit shocked and weirded out (although I would accept it!).

Yes, but it is clouding her judgement and what she thinks her partner wants is clouding her decision. I don't mean literally take her partner out of the equation. I mean imagine if he wasn't there - how would she decide in that case. It might provide some clarity of thought.

@Babybelle81

Are you married ?
as you refer to him as partner rather than husband

How long have the two of you been together ?

if the two of you were to split up during the pregnancy or after baby is born, can he afford CMS when he is of pension age which is only 7 years away.

He's in shock, he's right that his daughter will freak the f out, he's just processing his thoughts and feelings out loud.

I had a termination at 41 because I absolutely knew I did not want more children. You need to do what's right for you, not your career or your partner's daughter. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the love.

Gosh OP, good luck. My main concern would be dealing with a teenager/young adult while also caring for my husband, which is a distinct possibility. I would get my ducks in a row to manage this mainly - having teenagers (and supporting their mental health needs) was the hardest part of parenting in terms of the impact on my own career and I had not expected it. But maybe that's a pessimistic view!

If the daughter is as you imply she is, he might feel he has to pretend not to be happy for her sake. Not the quality you'd want in a partner and father of your child.

It's really nothing to do with the daughter. I'm a similar age and when in a similar situation a few years ago, I was sad (because I wanted kids and it hadn't happened, so all felt a bit ironic) but 38 is well old enough to be an adult about all of this and not throw tantrums and he's only surmising how she may react. They certainly won't have a typical sibling relationship and won't be living together so it's not going to affect either of their lives on a day to day basis.

I'd say to him that his comments about his daughter really hurt your feelings and you'd like to minimise any upset during this pregnancy for the sake of you and your unborn child. Ask him to keep those sort of thoughts to himself and make it clear that, if his daughter is struggling with gaining a sibling at nearly 40, she needs to not share those feelings with you.

He's really not sounding like much of a catch OP.

It's probably misplaced guilt for impregnanting someone close to his daughter's age. Like you say, it's not an easy adjustment for you either. He needs to get his shit together now and man up and be supportive to you. Any backlash, "well...I didn't plan this and you are equally responsible. If you felt this strongly, why didn't you get a vasectomy?"

@Babybelle81 first of all you can’t be sure how your partner will feel until you tell him - it’s possible he could surprise you.
More importantly though is what do you want? Women’s right to choose over their own bodies works both ways - you can decide to go ahead with it without your partner or terminate but it is your absolute right to make this choice.
people do have children later in life and many Grandparents also care for their Grandchildren full time so it is doable.
I would see your GP asap so that you can receive support and medical care and start taking folic acid, stop drinking etc in case you do go ahead with the baby.
I wish you well whatever you choose.

Being a mum at 37 to a 6 year old with a 35 year old husband who helps ALOT I wouldn’t want a baby at your age with a husband who is 60. It’s my opinion of course but it’s hard and it’s tiring and you may be doing that alone! Plus there are implications of being an older mother… however only you can decide!

She has a step mum only 5 years her senior.

This is what happens when you Dad feels entitled to women much younger than him, a d also doesn't get the snip or bother to use condoms.

She needs to take it up with him.

I think he's already accepted his new dad status, hence why he's concerned what his DD will think and if the gym was tough.
Don't forget you had a littke more time to mull it over plus the whole of MN with lots and lots of advice and insights.
He's had none of it so I'd cut him some slack.

@Babybelle81 I've known a few people this has happened to, some of whom have stayed with the partner and some of whom haven't. They've all found that finding people in a similar situation helped. You'll be ok.

Yep. He needs to desist from using his daughter as an excuse.

He’s using his daughter as an excuse.

He needs to be honest about how he feels, although his comments so far make me think he’s not happy about it? Are you prepared to do this alone OP?

My dad was 65, divorced from my mum, and his girlfriend was 35. I was the same age, with 2 little boys, and when she announced her pregnancy, I was conflicted. On one hand, it was nice to see dad happy again (mum left him for an old schoolfriend after 32 years together), and on the other, I felt odd having a sibling younger than my own children. However, not all families are the same and we have managed to have a good, although unconventional, relationship with the new addition to the family. My children regard my half brother as a cousin rather than an uncle, and they get on brilliantly. Dad took to fatherhood as an older parent really well, and was very involved.

I would second (or third, or fourth, etc.) the advice to think about getting a scan in a couple of weeks, as you might be further along than you thought. The digital tests are 'from conception', so 3+ weeks from conception is usually 5-6+ weeks pregnant. The strong, fast lines on the other test also fit with being slightly further on.

I am sorry to read about your husband's daughter potentially being so upset about your pregnancy, however she will have to get used to it. It's amazing how people come round and feel quite differently when a baby arrives. A friend of mine once said that the drama ends with the pregnancy and then everyone's attention is on the baby. That is almost invariably the case. I'm sure we all know people who had unexpected, and definitely unplanned, babies, often in quite difficult circumstances, who end up being extremely happy with them, as do their families.

You must tell your husband, firmly and gently, that you need positive support right now. He knows you didn't plan this pregnancy but he's also adult enough to know that accidents happen all the time. Presumably he loves you and wants you to be happy. He can reassure his daughter that he will always love her just as much as ever.

If I was superstitious I would say, "Fingers crossed", but I'm not so I won't. :)

I want to congratulate you, op, but perhaps you don't yet want that. I'll wait and see how things go for you.

You sound very sensible and would love a baby. That baby would be very fortunate to have you as a mother.

If you wanted to have a baby all along and didn't because of your partner's choices, that was very selfish of him IMO.

Personally I think it's a waste of time debating his age and how old may be when the child is X age.

No one can predict these things. Children lose their parents at all ages. There is never a 'right' time/age.

I'd focus on how you feel and the next step is to take all the tests you can access to see if your baby develops healthily, as far as it's possible to tell.

Seeing as you did want a baby, but sacrificed this for him, I would personally just carry on and see how things go. As you know, the risk of miscarriage is very high - so you could see what happens and put it in the hands of fate.

I am aghast that you wanted a baby but sacrificed this wish for him. He knows what it's like to have kids and he was happy to rob you of that. It doesn't really paint him in a very good light.

If you end up having a baby and splitting, you probably won't end up regretting it.

Go for it! I’ve had three babies in my 40s. Your little one will be with you to the end of your days, god willing, your partner won’t. You can get lots of help. He’ll fall in love with baby once he/she arrives.
Congratulations!

Why in the name of all that's holy would the OP's partner "not be such great company" just because he's 70??

Do you know anyone over the age of 50 even?? Why the hell are people so ageist??!

You need to make the choice that you think will be easier to live with. No one can tell you what is right and unfortunately no choice is without consequences. Do what's right for you. Yes, consider your partners thoughts but he took the same risk you did but it's you that it actually impacts the most, prioritise yourself.

If you wanted to have a baby all along and didn't because of your partner's choices, that was very selfish of him IMO.

This.

It sounds like they.- he and his daughter - are quite selfish and dominant and you were expected to go along with what they wanted/didn't want in order to be "privileged" to have a relationship with him.

That was a mistake on your part. (Tbh you should have just found somebody else and had kids with them instead of hanging on in there with this significantly older man who didn't want more kids and who has a weird dynamic with his daughter).

Time to stop being some kind of beta female in the pack; who's not allowed to reproduce ...yet is allowed to contribute funds (you have a good job) presumably do all the life partner stuff, and is handy for sex.

Just chiming in here as someone who had a baby with a man who had DDs who were less than thrilled about it, to understate it. My step daughters were 14 and 12 at the time that I conceived. It was during covid lock downs, when all the school children were kept home, so it wasn't going to be kept hidden forever... DH refused to break the news for fear of his daughters' reactions, for which I was very angry at him. The elder SD eventually pieced it together when, after months of me vomiting, she saw the 20 week sonogram picture I had set as my laptop background when I had accidentally left it open in the kitchen. The wail I heard from the opposite end of the house when she saw it was just... unearthly. She didn't speak to him for weeks.

The girls moved out and began staying with their mother about a month before I was due. The younger SD first met her half-sister at her first birthday party. They are the best of friends now, and DD asks about seeing her constantly... The elder didn't want to meet her until her father gave her an ultimatum: spend Christmas with all of us, or spend it alone. So she conceded and met her when she was 3 (though she had the worst attitude about it, and still gets sour any time DD's name is mentioned.) She's 18 now, and away at university in England. I hope she does some maturing overseas, so we can at least have a pleasant Christmas this year.

I don't know what this 38 yo daughter is like, OP, but I would think you'd have a better chance of her coming around to the baby than a 14-18 yo. And who knows, they could end being very close if you choose to carry to term (although I'm sure she will probably feel more like an aunt than a half sister to him/her.)

I do wish you the best of luck. Everything will be fine eventually.