Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

This, she is his daughter

If she were under 18.

She is 38 with her OWN FAMILY.

Not fair to take partner out of the equation

So she'll have a sibling younger than her own kids.

I think a lot of people wouldn't like that.

Shame her father thinks her can dictate to other women about their life and use them then.

I don't want this to sound like a flippant comment, I promise you nobody understands how life gets hard when you've had a baby more than I do.

But you never thought you'd be able to have a baby, and now you have one. Everything is a shock and is hard at the moment because everyone is dealing with their own emotions - his daughter may not be happy but so what - not her child. I understand that it'll be a shock and she 'may not like it', but she's 38 with a family of her own, she either gets over it or keeps her mouth shut.

And to be honest, the same can be said about your husband. A grown man treating his pregnant wife like this. He's a fool. I hope it settles down in a few weeks and you get to enjoy something you never thought you'd have.

@BlackStrayCat not a great dad for your DD though

She needs to put her big girl pants on and get on with it. It sounds like he kowtows to her. I'm sure this scenario would have crossed her mind when you got together - or have they already discussed it? You're meant to be partners. She has her own life.

I'm the same age as her. She needs to grow up and accept that the world - even her dad's world - doesn't revolve around her.

I'm sure I'd feel weird about my dad being with someone only 5 years older than me, even if he was 10 years younger and had had me in his early 20s.

But there's nothing wrong with saying to her, "Look, I didn't plan to get pregnant because I knew your dad didn't want to do the child raising stuff again. But it just happened, I'm as surprised as you are, and now that it has happened I don't want to get rid of my baby. You've been able to experience the joy of raising children of your own. Please don't begrudge me for doing the same."

However.

You've still got quite a lot of hurdles to get over before you get to the stage of needing to tell her anything.

Given your age and the fact that you don't know when you conceived or how far along you are (a Clearblue digital wouldn't usually show 3+ at 4 weeks pregnant), I would get a dating scan as a matter of urgency and do the NIPT.

Horrendous.

I have 100% custody and he has not spoken to her for 4 years.

Honestly, how many posters would be happy if their dad got together with someone pretty much the same age as them and then had a child who would be younger than their own children.

It's happening in her body so she gets the casting vote.

It doesn't matter whether she's happy or not because she doesn't get a vote.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom I know she doesn't get a vote, but you would be pretty stupid to think she wouldn't have an opinion.

Baffled at your DH’s take ( and, embarrassingly, several PPs) who seem to think his adult daughter’s feelings should somehow be centred in this. Wtf? It’s life. It happens. OP must do as she wants here, the daughter is wholly irrelevant

Also it’s not about “having a vote.” Where has anyone said “ well we’ll have to have a vote.”
Op mentioned the dad said his DD wasn’t going to be happy. He’s her Dad. It’s normal he might care about her feelings. That’s natural human connection. Why are some pp acting as though we are all just emotionless robots who function on voting outcomes. It’s weird not to be able to empathise with her take.

No one has said they need “ factoring in .” He just observed she will be upset. As he’s her Dad, that probably worries him.

I think the adult daughter is just how I would feel, the thought of my 60yr old dad with someone only slightly older than me isn’t pleasant, and then having a sibling younger than my own kids is all a bit weird. I don't think many people in real life would be thrilled!

Exactly @user8634216758

I think we need to cut the Dad to be a little slack here, he's only just found out about the BFP today, he's 60 with grandkids, he no doubt thought his years of parenting were done (yes, we all understand biology and 'shoulda, woulda, coulda's')..... his head is probably swirling with different thoughts and feelings while he processes it all.

At the moment he's projecting - mentioning you being tired because he's worried he'll be too tired! Mentioning his eldest daughter because he's thinking about that from his point of view. I don't see it as a bad thing that he's considering his daughters feelings in all of this, it doesn't mean she is or isn't going to react that way. She hasn't said anything yet and presumably doesn't even know.

I can imagine there is a hell of a lot to take in at the moment for both of you so don't expect too much in the first day or 2. Let the dust settle then have the difficult conversations which you know need to be had.

I'm sure she will, but her opinion isn't your problem and shouldn't factor into your decision in any way.

Otherwise the implication is that your son or daughter shouldn't be born in case it upsets his daughter. And that you shouldn't get to be a mother in case it upsets someone who is a mother herself.

There's a heck of a lot of blame and projecting going on towards the adult daughter who doesn't even know OP is pregnant. Even the OP had started saying unpleasant things about her. You need her on side and it isn't fair to start saying things like she twists her dad round her little finger when you have no idea how she is going to react. Focus on your DH who used no contraception but apparently didn't want any more children. If I was his grown up DD that is what would piss me off.

She absolutely does not need to be on side.

This partner is trying to put OP off with his comments.

In earlier posts OP said she thought the daughter with children would be invaluable support, now she is presenting her as an awful person

Indeed but in fairness to the partner, his views should be considered too