Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

Early days @Babybelle81
You've told him, phew, that's one big hurdle over. Give him a bit of time. His reaction doesn't sound awful to me. Stay calm and focused on your own wellbeing and peace of mind and see if he comes round.
My guess is that he will. I don't think he sounds like he's horrified, just shocked.
Very, very best of luck and congratulations too.

The only thing he said last night which worried me was the fact he seemed more concerned with what his 38 year old daughter will say. She’ll go mad, I darent tell her, it will be awful etc… last thing she wants is this!
I said to him why is it anything to do with what she wants?

@Babybelle81 my guess is he's saying this so he doesn't have to say how he feels about the pregnancy himself. Ie, he doesn't want it but it's convenient to blame his daughter. And you're right, it's got nothing to do with her.

If she was a good friend to him, and a loving daughter, she would be happy that he had found someone, and had happiness in his life.
Unless there's some back story where you've been awful, she should come to terms with this relationship, and try to be your friend, or at least make an effort.

I agree, he gets a bit of grace because he’s shocked and he’s processing it but if he doesn’t realise this is not the right way to behave sharpish you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that’s it’s unacceptable.

@LeticiaMorales the daughter may not like anyone being with her dad but with the age difference it’s a bit like he could have been eying up her similar aged friends, which I would understand not being impressed by.

Well, we don't know. All we know is that her father appears to be in a committed marriage. So. She can disapprove, but she ought to be adult enough to accept the situation and behave with grace.
Disclaimer: we know nothing of the back story.

OP, congratulations, how exciting.

When you go and see the gp ask then about high dose 5mg folic acid and when you should start taking aspirin. https://www.mamaacademy.org.uk Also have some great advice.

I had a high risk pregnancy and regularly saw women in their 50s in my clinic. My risk was reduced as I was seen so regularly if that makes sense. You will have so many opportunities to bond with the baby and see them at more regular scans. If your partner is going to only cause stress or make you feel resented get a friend to go with you instead.

Secondly, from what it sounds like, talking about being tired and daughter going mad, sounds like he has accepted, begrudgingly, having another child.

who gives a hoot what dil thinks? Your body your choice. Maybe block her number so then you dont need to deal with her bs.

this is your time, do what you want to do x

It sounds like he's coming around. He will have his daughter on the back of his mind. I wouldn't worry about her keep strong there is nothing she can do about it. You are eating for 2 so no more guilt. I loved being pregnant it was the only time I could pig out.

I just think these stories of later on ,unexpected pregnancies are wonderful.
Good Luck OP . Enjoy your baby X

Followed this since you posted yesterday. Your dh sounds like he reacted better than you expected and he'll come around to the idea.
Yes his daughters feelings are valid but they're feelings not facts.
This sounds like it is meant to be...
Good luck x

Not to be insensitive but with that age gap you may well find yourself widowed earlier in life, at that point having your own child may be a great comfort! And being older parents presumably means that you are more able to provide financial stability for your child. With the new free childcare allowance it’s easier to maintain a career too!

I don’t think people should be too fluffy just yet, He’s 60 years old and may, justifiably, not want to spend the next 20 years until he’s 80 raising another child.

I think OP needs to brace herself that this may be a dealbreaker. Or he may go along with it in the short term for a quiet life but renege at a later stage.

I hope he comes to terms with it. I wish both of them the best.

Just a thought on the statement that the daughter will go mad etc. Is she expecting a big inheritance? It's great that they are close but best friends no. He is the parent and he had her at 22 which would be a shock these days. Your shock is no different.
You have a career op so you're not after his cash or if you think about it his biological 'gifts'. Most people would have picked a younger one if you were looking for a stud muffin.
I know you are 'talking' to a bunch of women on mumsnet but do you have a friend or sister for support?
You have said you love him. He doesn't sound a sh*t so try to be positive. I find humour works well with panicked people.

I know a much younger second wife who didn’t have children so as not to upset the adult children from his first marriage.

She is too old now, and regrets it.

And are they grateful? Of course not.

Do what you want.

Humour and panicked people?
Wow.
You might be panicking when your cold water tank bursts and use humour.
This is cancelling your life in order to accommodate another, unexpected one.
If anything, I feel for the partner.

My mum had my youngest brother at 44 and he now early 20s and I adore him as much as all the siblings around my age. I can't imagine making a sacrifice to have no children over a man, having my own children was my happiness and I got that with someone of the same mind

@Nothatgingerpirate sorry I don't get your statement. You are either grumpy this morning or haven't read the thread where I have given the poster previous advice, well received.
I have a anxious DC and when she panicks humour works to get her on an even keel.
This thread has nothing to do with water tanks!
Decent people will feel for the OPs partner too but she didn't trick him with her come hither ways. He's an adult not a teenage boy.

I hope he doesn't tell her, although that ship has probably sailed. You need to keep this to yourself in the first trimester, you'll be vulnerable already with your age and medical history, you don't need any added stress.

I think I'm now starting to see why he didn't want children, sounds like his daughter has him wrapped around her finger and probably didn't want any step brothers or sisters. I actually feel sorry for you I could be very wrong but you don't come across as being his priority in much as in your wants and needs

I think this is wise advice op. Just keep it between you and DH until you know where the pregnancy stands.

I am you @Babybelle81 10 years on.

53 with now freshly and fantastically free and divorced from my 72 year old miserable husband who had started to make it very clear that as I am menopausal I am no longer of use and past it.(while taking out his false teeth).

THE ONLY good thing I did was have my gorgeous DD. Stupid decision to marry a man who wanted it all on his terms. (aleady had a family etc)

I cannot tell you how much I would be kicking myself/bitter/lonely and sad if I had not had my DD. I also had a husband who thought I was "too old" to get pregnant at 37.

Your relationship will not survive. You and your baby will THRIVE! 😍43 is NOT too old at all. It will be the best thing you ever did.

Amazing, a father and grandfather at 60 years of age has unprotected sex with his partner and is surprised to discover she is pregnant. Now he is panicking that his 38 year old daughter will be upset. I would ask him straight if he expects you to have an abortion to keep his daughter happy? I would be starting to get angry OP, and planning how I could go it alone. I wish you the very best.

What has his middle aged daughter with 2 DCs got to do with the price of fish?

I guess I responded from raw personal experience. From being a small child my mother had a myriad of supposed illness, she also displayed traits of munchausen by proxy… she was at her happiest when I was sick, and she had me believe I was sick when I wasn’t. I missed a lot of school and left without a single qualification because she would use any excuse to keep me home. My dad suffered from severe mental health issues and was sectioned. I was never protected or shielded and had the constant worry that my parents would die, she told me when I was 12 that she had breast cancer, at 13 she said my dad had a brain tumour, neither were true.
So I ensured that our children grew up in an environment with unconditional love and no restrictions or responsibilities towards us, their parents. They are both highly successful in their chosen careers because they had a good solid education, and we as parents have a good relationship with them are so very loved.
So that is why I believe children shouldn’t have to provide support to parents, but of course my reasons are extreme and very personal to me, I wasn’t released from the guilt inducing statements from them implying I never did enough until my parents passed away in their 80’s. I gave them my life, yet I still felt I’d never done enough.
Yes I’ve had counselling, but it doesn’t change the fact that my chance of a normal life and career were stolen, but I do realise now that I gave more than any reasonable daughter should be expected to give… So that’s why someone expecting a twenty year old to help look after an elderly parent hit a raw nerve with me.

And he clearly loves and cares for his daughter which is wonderful. He is right to be conscious of her feelings