Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

OP, it sounds like DP has reacted very much like you expected him to but maybe deep down you were hoping it would be different?
He has no idea how his daughter will feel, he's just voicing his thoughts and concerns.

He's in shock remember, give it time for him to calm down a bit.

Good morning OP. I'm glad that this mornings test confirms your news.
My DD has suspected endometriosis and she's terrified she won't have children.
She's only young and at university.

As for the DIL it's nowt to do with her. You have been given this chance and I get you feel it wasn't what was agreed but life is not a business contract. You're not a trophy wife who has to do as she's told. You're a grown woman with this wonderful chance that so many woman never have.
Be brave today. Book in your appointments and tell your partner he's obviously got something special in the swimmers department!
Nobody else needs to know yet, we are all supporting you.
I had my DD at 37 and she's a delight. I couldn't have anymore children but I would have had them.
As I said yesterday my DH is 61, he'd still make a great dad if I got knocked over by a bus. There'd be a queue of potential new Mrsredlipsticks.
Be happy,

Remember you can choose to be excited or choose to be sad every time a positive or negative point comes to mind.

It's ok not to know what is going to happen yet. Things will work out one way or another.

Excitement doesn't come along in life very often as we get older so it might be wise to enjoy the good thoughts, disregard the negative ones for now because in time you will know what you really want to do.

Keep faith in yourself no matter what anyone else thinks/wants you to do.

This time like all time is precious.

Exactly!

More than ever now @Babybelle81 , you really need to think about what YOU want.
Sending a virtual squeeze and hand hold.

Also, if she starts with the I'm not looking after the baby nonsense you can ask her why she thinks she would be?..

Thank you all!

She has always had so much control over him.
she has two of her own already so he’s already a grandad.
He just made a comment when I came back from the gym - he said - how was it? I said hard and tiring as usual. He then said - that’s the least of your worries, it’s only going to get worse!
I just smiled and said cheers.
I know I need to give him some time but a cuddle wouldn’t go amiss here. X

I’d give him until this evening and then nip it in the bud: this is your body going through this and he doesn’t get to act out - he gets to process and then be constructive and you are also in shock and he needs to understand this. Well done you for calling him on his comment. I very much cheered a post under your morning update saying that this is your life, you have the starring role and you’re not a bit part in step daughter’s life.

FWIW I have a friend in a similar position to yourself (husband however was very supportive) but she’s nailed motherhood to a baby at an older age than yourself so have no qualms there!

This!

I wouldn't have given up my dream of having children even for a man I loved, let alone for the adult daughter of a man.

You have the chance of a son or daughter. The only thing that matters is whether you want to take that chance.

Also, I could be completely wrong about this and apologies if I am, but to me the fact that you weren't using any contraception at 43 suggests that you subconsciously wanted to get pregnant. 43 year old women get pregnant every day. It's not that unusual.

If he's worrying about what his daughter will say and saying that your tiredness will only get worse, it sounds like he's starting to project to further forward in your pregnancy and at least contemplate the idea that you might be keeping this baby.

In fairness op, she’s his daughter. If he really thinks this will upset her, he’s hardly a monster for being aware of that. I mean would he really be the sort of father you wanted to be having a child with if he’d just said “ I couldn’t give a toss about her feelings.” Plenty of people in her position would not be thrilled. It’s not that weird.

He might be happy about the news! If he is a nice prison he will know that you quietly wanted a baby really, and wish to support you (after the initial shock)

OP - if it came to it do you think you could do this alone?

Yay! I’m so happy for you. 💐💐

It’s far too early to worry about telling people.. it’s an exciting time but it’s such a scary time.. you’ve decided you’re keeping it. So that’s that. For the next month, you have to take care of yourself, remove all stress as much as possible, eat well. The sickness, if it’s going to start, will start soon.

Your partner is still processing so don’t take too much of what he’s saying to heart.. anyway, now, more then ever, it’s time to be fully selfish.. you’ve got to take care of yourself and your stress levels…

Miscarriage risk is high as you know… and stress may make it worse.. so just walk away from stressful situations.

She’s 38 fgs, If she was 8 ok.

Not sure why an adult daughter with 2 children is a consideration here at all.

I’ve known people of all ages to feel that way. It really isn’t that unusual.

Yep. nothing to do with her.
If I were her, I would ask my dad why he didnt get a vasectomy or use condoms.

The 38 year old daughter may well be shocked, have questions etc but to be upset is ridiculous.

He obviously had her very young. In my circles some 60yr old men have primary school aged kids and young teens.

OP, I wouldn't pander to him for much longer. Let him have a grace period of processing but beyond that he gets on board or he doesn't.

FWIW most of my friends (including myself) had babies in our 40s. As you want this baby OP, focus on only that.

Congratulations.

Exactly. She has a step mum only 5 years her senior. I'm sure she can deal with it. If not? Her problem.

To be fair how many daughters who have children of their own would be impressed if their dad suddenly announced he was going to be a dad again. I wonder how impressed she was when he got together with someone only a few years older than her.

It doesn't matter how "impressed" she is. It's not her life.

She wasn’t!
She unfortunately doesn’t like her dad being with anyone tbh. We have had a tough time over the years. They are exceptionally close, like best friends.

I don’t see your DH in a bad light for being sensitive to this issue. I’m not sure why a couple of pp think it would be to his credit to not give a toss about her feelings. She’s still his daughter. You don’t just switch off empathy because someone has passed a certain birthday. I’ve known people whose own parents have had a late childhood ( not this late in all honesty!) and they were put in a spin by it.

Exactly. She’s still allowed feelings about things.