Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

Babybelle81

"So, tonight I told him I think I’m pregnant and need to do a test in the morning. It may be a bend of the truth but I wanted it to be a gentle discussion rather than ‘I am pregnant’ and that’s it.
He seems ok but I think we both feel a bit shell shocked as my life was flying career wise, of which he was supporting me with."

Good luck. It feels like you want this baby and the pregnancy and baby don't need to de-rail your career etc.

I hope all will go well.

I once had a chat with a midwife that completely changed my perspective on older mums. She said to me that women always had kids late in their 30’s and early 40’s - when families had numerous kids, the younger ones would come around that age. Is not a new thing to be a mum at those ages.

You sound excited and you have considered having a baby before. This might be your last chance. As a mum in my late 30’s with a busy career I won’t fool you: it’s hard. But my son is my greatest joy and love, nothing, but nothing comes close to the experience of motherhood. So if you are on the fence, have the baby.

I also don't think that expecting a young person to help mind his elderly father is fair.

I however don't see anything wrong with that YP providing a shoulder for his mother while she does it?

this is your only chance to be a mother. Your DP already is a father but you don’t have children. Professionally I spend a lot of time with older (60s/70s) couples and I notice a real difference between those who have children and those who don’t. IMO the childless ones seem a bit empty. Once you’ve gone on the holidays and done the activities you’re just doing the same stuff on repeat. Whereas those with children get much of their satisfaction from children and grandchildren.
I’m 41 with a 2.5 yr old and 12 week old. It is hard. I do wonder if I’d have enjoyed it more if I’d done it at 25. BUT the joy is immeasurable. And if you’ve got a good career and money you can afford help to make life easier and to get back to your career quickly. They’re only little and really hard work for such a short time. But they’re your child for life.

You answered your own question - "I would want a baby - I always have". Take your partner out of the equation. What do YOU want?

Congratulations OP.
I have only read your first couple of posts so forgive me if I'm missing some of how you feel or parts of your story. I appreciate this must feel complicated to you. From my outside perspective it looks simple. You are pregnant and you want a child. You love your partner. At 43 this is a blessing and you may not have another chance. You say it doesn't feel fair on child to have older parents. Your child could only be here and now. He or she couldn't have younger patents. He or she could either have older parents or not be born. That sounds like a simple choice. Besides, there is so much wisdom in age; 60 isn't so old and 43 certainly isn't. This could be beautifully simple. Life without any children when you wanted one isn't a simple option either. It's up to you what you do and how you feel. I hope you see the simplicity and be happy. Very, very, very best wishes to you.

Go for it, OP! And don’t look back! This is wonderful. Congratulations!

That would be lovely. I guess I am just trying to point out the difficulties that may occur. It’s all well and good people saying go for it but it’s a huge decision and hard work. There are obviously lots in the plus side but in my opinion it’s good to weigh up based on all factors and not get romantic and then find you can’t cope because you hadn’t thought about it. That said I really hope it goes well. How wonderful if he accepts the pregnancy when faced with it. No matter what I wish op well.

You should have all the tests and take very good care of yourself. Give yourself a top chance of having a healthy baby.

Your partner will want what is best for you, in the end.

You sound like you would regret not having this baby.

Realistically, the career altering aspects of having a child last about one year. Source suitable child care while you are pregnant.

Use your older husband sparingly for childcare if he is not a positive influence on the baby.
Enjoy parenting.

In ten years time your partner, given his age, might not be such great company.
A child in the mix could prolong the vitality in your marriage.
Your household can warm to a new member and can afford a new member.

I had mine at 39 and 42. You've said you feel excited so I think you have your answer. Obviously terrified too, that's completely understandable.

The older parent thing... I don't feel like grandma at the school gate. There's a pretty big mix, and plenty of twenty somethings. But I don't feel like I stick out and I can definitely keep up. They're 7 and 4 now.

It's good that you have your daughter for support. My dad is pushing 80 and my mum a few years behind. We visit, but I have only asked them to have the kids for a couple of hours a couple of times when I've had no other option as I think babysitting two kids at their time of life is too much of an ask. It's great you have some support. My partner works pretty much 7 days a week and long hours too so it's hard sometimes. Finding a good babysitter has been a lifesaver, but that only happened a couple of years ago and we've managed.

About the morning sickness, I barely got sick with my son, with my daughter, it was pretty much immediately.

I wish you the best whatever you decide.

4 kids never vomited once so don't take that as a sign. Also I had my youngest "oopsy baby" at 41. He's delightful, hilarious and the smartest of the lot of my very smart kids,( like one of his siblings is a lawyer and another a govt policy advisor) so try not to panic .
Super easy pregnancy. I asked in the hospital if I was the oldest mum there and they laughed - you are almost the youngest ( was private hospital).
Good luck with your decision but I'd go for it ( I would have all the tests though, mainly because of your DH's age than yours).
Oh and get used to being referred to by medical staff as a "geriatric mother". They say it to anyone over 40. Irritation level was high then I just started laughing at them - "yeah, yeah I know I'm geriatric"

False positive pregnancy tests are staggeringly rare. I'm a GP, if you've done a positive home test we wouldn't repeat it

@waterbottle1234 - so you wouldn't even check? That must have changed because mine were always confirmed by a GP test. However, that was some years ago! Maybe home tests are better now. They certainly detect early.

Unfortunately even if this isn't the case, with the miscarriage risk at 43, there's about a 50% chance her heart will be broken regardless.

OP should absolutely do whatever feels right, but I think some posters are being a bit unhelpful with comments like 'the baby was meant to be'. If OP is only 4 weeks pregnant, it's about 50/50 as to whether there will be a baby.

Babybelle81 - I have no family support as they are older (they wouldn’t have been physically strong enough to help out) and a few hours drive away anyway. I had no close friends, no friends with babies and hadn’t ever held a baby before but I took to it completely naturally. Some people don’t I get that but you sound excited and would have plenty of time to prepare yourself and get everything in place. I wish you and your partner well x

Op get yourself some appropriate vitamins and folic acid just incase you are keeping your baby x

I do fell running and it’s popular amongst people in their 60s and 70s. Fitness does decline with age but people like OP and her H who have a habit and love of activity and fitness, are the section of the population most likely to maintain their fitness as they age

Thanks all so much.
I did another test this morning and it’s below. It pretty much changed as the pee was going up the stick. I didn’t have to wait to see the cross. As you can see the digital says 3+.
The only thing he said last night which worried me was the fact he seemed more concerned with what his 38 year old daughter will say. She’ll go mad, I darent tell her, it will be awful etc… last thing she wants is this!
I said to him why is it anything to do with what she wants?
It made me really sad. I’ve barely slept. Have to do a full day of teaching today, and he’s very quiet.
I feel a bit down. I know this wasn’t going to be taken very well, but it’s just hard atm to be going through all this. I feel like shouting at him saying I didn’t plan this either! It feels like he is blaming me. It’s very much two to tango, and he knew I was on no contraception. With advanced endometriosis and the perimenopause, we both just didn’t think this would ever happen. Agh! Honestly, life is crazy. X

Give yourself some grace.

It doesn’t matter what your stepdaughter wants. This is your life, and you’re playing the starring role in it; not a bit-part in DSD’s life.

Well done for saying that about his daughter. However, this might be him saying that, she might be fine. If she's not, so what. It's not her business. YOU and only you get to make the decision. It is as obvious as the words on this screen that you want this baby. He gets one day to be in shock then he gets on board or he gets out. This will be your only chance, potentially, he doesn't get to spoil it by sulking. He is in 100% from the start or he leaves. He can go to his daughters.

I think he was always going.take it badly OP. That doesn’t mean he won’t come round to the idea but you probably need to give him some space and also have a really good think who you would choose if it came down to him or the baby. There is no wrong answer but you must be at peace with what you decide.

He will know full well it takes two to tango, there were options on the table that he could have chosen but didn’t so this is absolutely on him too. He is probably right that his daughter will be shocked, likely more so at him than at you though.

Absolutely. You should not let what your 38 year old SD thinks impact on any decision. It's your life not hers. I hope all goes well.

As there is only 5 years between you and his daughter, he may think it should be her having babies - not him at his age.
he may think he ought to be having grand babies at his age.

He will one day realise if he has sex without any precautions that babies happen.

He's been very unpleasant. He should at least have been a bit more supportive and kind. It's a shock, but he has to handle it.
It's completely immaterial what the daughter thinks. Take care today, just focus on your job.
Perhaps have a conversation with him this evening, and point out that what his daughter thinks isn't the issue.

Give it some time, I think it’s to be expected that he’ll he having all sorts of panicked thoughts immediately but I’d bet they’ll die down. Maybe his daughter will be excited! As you say, takes two to tango.
and finally - congratulations ❤️