Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

This

The thing that would worry me would be potential disabilities, Autism and other disabilities are much more common with greater parental age, including fathers.
If you can cope with that, as a potential single parent if your partner bails, go ahead.

How are your finances? Can you afford full time support? If you are able to have a nanny, that will remove a lot of the problems that come with fatigue, lack of support from your older partner etc. and allow you to continue in your satisfying career.

Yes of course dads and families come in different mix ups, no dads part time dad’s inconsiderate dads………

Can only say what I’ve experienced with ours sons pal. He is sporty his dad is too old to play with him so he comes to us where DH and our son have a great time together.
I’m not the mum who likes to play football in a muddy park, I’d struggle too.

Glad you told him and not totally shocked but he may be once you test and it's a def yes

Fwiw I was almost 44 when gave birth - but was 5th ivf so was overjoyed but.shocked finally happened

Dd is now almost 8 - I'm 52 next year

I have a good career and no reason why you can't continue yours if you want and use childcare

Yes I'm older then some of the mums at school - but not all of them

I have time and patience as older

I have security of own home and not wanting to go clubbing etx as I did that when I was 20-30

Hope it all works out @Babybelle81

Obv as an older mum there is a risk and I would advise a harmony test - just so if any issues you have time to deal with them and get help /advice

Many congrats as sounds like you always wanted a baby but said no as partner didn't want to

Only you can decide what’s best for you and your family.

If you decide to have the baby, you and your DP could still have the life you planned to a large extent. Your career isn’t going to end just because you have a child. Lots of us have both. Lots of lone parents, with no family support, manage to work full time.

Your DP can still slow down, provided you can afford childcare when you’re working and he’s doing his thing. You could spend one weekday each with the DC and then use daycare or a childminder for the other 3 days. I found that a good balance.

The sleepless nights are tiring but they really don’t last forever. First year is the worst. Once they’re sleeping OK (e.g. 3 or 4) they’ll happily stay with family or good friends they know well for a couple of nights so you can have romantic weekends away, just the two of you. And by the time they near the end of primary, it’s hard to tear them away from screens to do anything with you!

I had my youngest early 40s and all went well. Not much different to early 30s. Easy home birth. Didn’t feel too tired. Teenage years have been fine. As long as you try to stay fit and healthy, you should be grand.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide ❤️

Best of luck deR lady, please do what is best for your. Xxx

Watch 'Bridget jones baby' :-)
Congratulations op I hope it all goes well for you xx

I agree with this

She's only 43!

I had (my third) at about that age. He's now almost 20. I was apprehensive about doing all the baby stuff again and not being able to travel, etc but it's been great. He's a fantastic young man and seems chill with his old parents. Ancient DNA doesn't seem to be a problem either.
You'd given all this up for your partner but now it's happened anyway. He clearly hasn't made much attempt to stop it. Think about what you would like and what your 50 year old self might like.

Blimey, that's a bit negative! I'm over 50, divorced, with no kids, but I have lots of family and friends in my life, and am a member of a number of communities!

OP, I think this issue will become much less anxiety-inducing if you divide it into smaller "chunks".

The first "chunk" was figuring out how you felt about this pregnancy. I think, considering what you've written here, that's already quite clear.

The second "chunk" is letting your DP know. I believe many of the answers here about not needing his "permisson" and telling you to leave if he does not want the baby are too extreme and ignore the fact that you and your DP love each other, and that this is a shock news that will take time for both to assimilate. He has the right to know, and he has the right to react in whichever way he reacts. And he will likely need time to know what his actual feelings will be.

You cannot know what happens after the second "chunk". His reaction or subsequent feelings may or may not surprise you, and youir decision may or may not be easier after that.

There are also unknowns. This baby may not make it to term, or may come up with abnormalities in a test, if you choose to take it. Or he/she may be completely healthy. You have no control on this, but it will shape your decision as it shows too.

How about you decide how to approach the second "chunk" and leave any decisions for after?

Whatever happens, best of luck.

I too think the comment about having a child that could help to look after the husband when he’s 80 is out of order. At the age of 20 no son or daughter should be tied down or feel responsible for looking after an elderly parent, they should be at university forging a career and enjoying life with people their own age.
In terms of whether to abort or not, that’s a tough one, and not something I could answer having never been in that position. I’ve never regretted having children for a nano second, but I had mine very young when I had lots of energy to cope with sleepless nights and everything else that’s involved in bringing up children.

OP, you don’t have to expect him to do 50/50 though, if you’re all right with that. I know that I would want my partner to do 50/50 with me, or at least 40/60, but I know plenty of women who didn’t expect their partner to do half of the childcare. You could just have a conversation about it - ask him how he feels, if he’d be willing to do this with you if you took most of the work load, if you want to, etc. it depends on how badly you want this baby really. I know for me, I’d take it as a sign of some sort.

Growing up my mum did 99% of everything with me, and my dad worked long hours, often 6 or 7 days a week. On the few days off he had he would often go golfing - which my mum was usually fine with. I still remember him coming in so late from work that I would wake up and crawl into bed between him and mum just to be close to him, and in the morning he would be gone but would leave me a few coins to put in my piggy bank. Always on his side table, ready for me to take when I woke up. He was always there if my mum couldn’t make it to a school play or something, and always the first to offer to pay for anything I wanted.

I love both of my parents dearly, and my dad was very generous but wasn’t the most patient so it made sense my mum did most of the childcare. They were both approaching 40 when they had me, and my DPs parents were a little older when they had him. My dads parents were also about 40 when they had him. DP and I both wish our parents were younger, to have more time with them, but i know that my parents were in a better financial state when they eventually had me. I wouldn’t have had such a nice childhood.

A lot of ageism on this thread, I’ve noticed. Life doesn’t end at 50 and older dads have plenty of energy. Life’s what you make it and none of us know what it has in store, at whatever age.

You both must be in shock. I know I was when I unexpectedly fell pregnant at 37 with my partner 10 yrs older. He's been the best Dad and has all the patience in the world and we love our wee girl so much. Sometimes age is just a number. I hope you come to a decision that you're both happy with and wish you all the very best for the future.

I had my first at 41 and second at 44. If you want this baby, have it.Statistically, your partner might not be around until this child reaches adulthood, whereas you very likely will be. If nothing else it’s an incentive for you both to stay healthy and active. If your partner denies you this opportunity, it tells you far more about him than you probably wanted to know. Good luck

I haven't read every single message here, but I haven't seen anyone caution that a late pregnancy involves greater risks. When I got knowingly pregnant at 39, my partner already had 2 children, and we agreed that I would seek an abortion if early testing showed any abnormalities as we didn't want to burden his existing children with a sibling with special needs and that may be something you want to consider too.

I was fortunate, early testing showed my daughter was fine. I honestly don't know how I would have coped with a different diagnosis.

My opinion is this is amazing, an absolute gift. You don't know what it is totally as will be your first child, but really, I think it's lovely. I think you'll cope with the practicalities and get huge joy and fulfilment out of being a mother. And I think the father will be fine. And you can work your career around it. This is a one-off. Be brave, be happy, embrace it. That's my advice from my experience as a woman and mother.

Congratulations - what a wonderful gift. It isn't easy being a parent but you are creating a whole new person who will be annoying, loving, but ultimately your creation...

43 isn't old
have the baby!
beware risk of miscarriage as it's so early on (I say this as someone who's had recurrent miscarriages) sounds like a really special thing

Yes, do contact your GP but also do another test in a couple of days, it's unlikely to have two false positives.

I'm glad you've told your husband. It is bound to take a while to sink in but he'll get used to it. He's not the only man of his age whose wife has a baby and people do cope.

I have a 'positive' feeling about this, op. I am looking forward to you coming back, telling us you definitely are pregnant and us congratulating you. Then we'll give you encouragement through your pregnancy.

Gordon Bennett, I feel like a potential grandmother :-)! I don't have grandchildren and am not likely to now, my only child (who is smashing), is 45 (I'm 74). I'm philosophical about it, that's life and and we are very fortunate, there are many blessings.

You take good care of yourself and don't tell everyone until you are 12 weeks or so. I hope and think it will work out well.

Your body, your choice. If you want a baby, then have it. The rest will sort itself out.

My younger child was born when I was 45, we adopted him at 3 when I had just turned 49.

Being an older parent has not held me back, my birth child was born when I was 39.