Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

I did read them all all but I didn't memorise them or learn them off by heart! Prickly much?

Don't be too hard on yourself. I bet those "cool younger mums" aren't considered glam and trendy by their offspring!

Not prickly but if you don’t know what I think don’t comment on what I think.

Oh catch yourself on. Look you are just boring me now. Stop derailing the thread. It's not about you.

Whose hysterical? 😂 Listen, you started quoting me and I responded. I strongly suggest that you take a step back from the internet as you appear to be oddly obsessed with my posts for some reason. You have followed me around this thread all evening and it’s getting unsettling now, almost stalkerish. As I said earlier, have a nice evening.

Good luck OP.

The alternative to this baby having older parents is the person not existing at all, it's not like you can travel back in time and have the baby when you were younger.

Congratulations! Deep breath, all will be well.

My dh dad was the same age as your partner when my dh was born. His mum was 40. They had a wonderful family life together. I know it’s perhaps different, as my dh was a much longed for baby.
My friend had her first baby at 46 & all was well. She’s a challenging teen now, but they have more patience and time for her than most busy full time parents have.
All the best with everything.

How would you know she can never have a life for herself? You've never been through it to know.

A lot of women manage just fine with a child(ren) and still have a life for themselves.

A lot of us prefer to have a life with our kids, though. It's not a bad thing, you're acting like it's hell on earth. Fine if you think that, but your opinion doesn't have much foundation and is based on what you assume it would be like - not ideal when OP has such a monumental weight on her shoulders.

Oh op I wish you whatever you want even with or without dp on board. If you truly wish to have your child I’d say do what the heart wants. You have a good career which after mat leave you can go back to and afford childcare.

Our son is 10 and has his best pal over to play many times a week and we take him out with us on some days out.
We do this as his dad is 69 and doesn’t play football with him or go to trampoline park basketball court, anything sporty which both our boys enjoy.
A few posts have been about how great it’s been for older parents having children, and how they benefit their lives, very few have mentioned what their child feels.
My son’s friend is so unhappy for someone so young that his dad doesn’t play with him like my DH does it’s truly sad to hear this.

I'm from a blended family with siblings (we've never used the term "half") 20 years older than me. My mum was early 40s and my dad was early 50s. They got mistaken for my grandparents a few times when I was young, but I couldn't have wished for better parents and have a great bond with my siblings (and their children who are much closer to me in age). The only negative I have to say is that I didn't have my parents for long enough as they both passed away before I was 40, only one of them met my first child, neither met my second.
I also had children late although not as late as you, one at 36 and one at 39. It is hard being an older parent in terms of coping with the exhaustion, but I'm at a point in my career that going part time / taking time out is fine, we've got savings and a "forever home" and can afford to outsource things like cleaning, if we'd had children earlier we'd have both been working full time to pay the bills. We did our partying in our 20s and 30s so appreciate the quiet life we now have with the children. There's pros and cons to having children at any age but if you want the baby then take this gift thats happened, and good luck you

So would it be a case of choosing between the partner and a baby?? But you have always wanted a baby?

I’m going to be blunt here… with a partner in his 60s, you’ll most likely have more years with the child then with the father… Do what you want to do, not what you think is best for your partner because you “love” him., it’s nothing compared to love you will feel for your child.

43/44 is not too old to have a baby if you want the child (my husband was the same age when our first was born..

You sound like you’re doing well financially, so post mat leave, baby can attend full time nursery.. which will be a big help if you end up having to go it alone (except you won’t be alone).

Not fair that you have had to sacrifice kids for your partner who’s got his kids.

You can call it what you want. I call it choice. And given women everyday go for pre natal screening and make decisions based on that, I guess plenty believe in ' eugenics'.

Plenty of younger dads don't do those things either.

"Fervently believing" is not choice!

I very much doubt that many "fervently believe" in abortion. Rather most of us more moderate and balanced individuals understand that it is a valid choice for a woman in a crisis pregnancy.

It's a very strange expression.

Eeek!! Sickness may start any day now!! But it might not be that bad for you.. with my son, I hardly was sick at all.. I’m pregnant know with a girl, and I was so unwell from week 6 to 14.

And massive congratulations btw.. I know you haven’t decided yet, but still..

You want the baby? So have the baby.

I know older parents who admit they didn’t at first really want the surprise late baby, but now totally adore him.
I know younger parents who thought they wanted a baby but found them too much effort and basically ignore them.

You do you, and best of luck.

Yes I own up to that. I should have saidc choiice instead of abortion . But yoiur posts have been strange too.
All I said was I would terminate if I found myself pregnant at 43. That is not a judgement of other people. It's about me.

yes, baby would have an 80 year old dad when they are 20, but they would also have their grown up siblings around too.

as for the career, I got pregnant at 37 and having a baby empowered me to make sure I got the juggle right - I enjoyed working but also went through so much to have my child so made my skills work for me, and have not compromised on pay, I now have a part time job and freelance term time. I really think I gained more skills and better experience post baby because I was nit picky about where I worked and flexibility. Please do not think your career will be over because you have a baby, its not like anyone will ever not employ you and many places are so flexible.

do what sits right for you, either way x

I have family members who had their last 'oops' baby at around that age. Probably older. Now she is mid 20s. She drags them where ever she goes and involves them in all her activities. They admit that she has kept them young and energetic. They had more time and money to be able to spend time with her and give her a better life.

Thank about what you want. Not what your partner wants. Or what any one else says. What does your heart say? If you want to keep it then keep it. You made the sacrifice and compromise for so many years. Can't your partner now compromise for you. You should also be prepared to raise the baby alone. You have a good career. Put things in motion so that you are able to take care of the bay and build you own support network.

Well the only time I will ever see 43 again will be on someone's house lol! Plus I was sterilised when I had my youngest at 40, and I was menopausal by 45, but I don't think I would have terminated at 43? It all depends on your individual circumstances doesn't it?

4 children would have overstretched us financially, probably mentally and emotionally too tbh. But I had such a lovely girl's name chosen for #3 that I never got to use...!

I think there was a small part of me that would have loved a 4th, but with a history of infertility and miscarriage, I had to go with my head.

I don't think my posts were "weird" at all lol!

They don’t want to have fun doing what their child likes. That’s so sad when their able to do it and cant be bothered playing with their sons.
Hope they have friends like our son.

@Babybelle81 He seems ok but I think we both feel a bit shell shocked as my life was flying career wise, of which he was supporting me with.

And your career can still fly if you have a baby.

All the best OP, with whatever you decide to do 💐

Dads come in all shapes and forms. Perhaps they do other things with their sons? There are even dads who don't see their sons, dads who seldom see their sons etc etc etc.

I am not in the least bit sporty and would have struggled with that, but thankfully none of mine were sporty either.

Surely if your husband was adamant he didn't want any more children he would have had a vasectomy? Did he know you were not on any form of contraception, OP?
It takes two to make a baby so both of you are responsible.

Have the baby , you won’t regret it , if he was prepared to be with someone much younger than him then he shouldn’t be surprised for this to happen . Having a good job is another reason to go ahead , you can afford child care . I think it would be selfish of him to make you give up your one chance because he’s done it all before, why are you making all the sacrifices to be with someone like him ? My children make me laugh every day, keep me young and bring such interest and fun to my life. Is it worth giving up that for him ? You could be a widow by the time you are his age and have no one……