Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

Fervently believe in eugenics, you mean.

This is a tough one. My main concern would be to ask myself if I could cope with a child with disabilities etc. I know I'd find it incredibly difficult which is why at 35, I won't be having another. It's ultimately up to you, op. Don't make the decision based on your Oh's feelings but on your own.

I'm a similar age and would be very happy to be pregnant again. I've already got a child with Downs Syndrome and would happily take the chance of having another one, or a child with autism.

Whilst age makes for a harder and riskier pregnancy, it brings a sense of self confidence, wisdom and financial security.

The decision to have the baby sits with you, so please don't try and second guess how your partner would be as a parent - he might say one thing now and be totally different with a child.

I was in your boat but a year older. My midwife said she saw women conceiving this way regularly. We all believe it when we're told that your fertility drops off a cliff at 35, so when you're early-mid forties you think you don't have to worry so much about getting pregnant.

I went ahead with it and had a pretty easy time of it. Went straight to amnio testing and although the stats weren't great, there were no problems. Late motherhood has been amazing. I think I'm much more relaxed and happy to go with my gut than I would have been 20 years earlier. I've worked full-time and although the house isn't as tidy as I would like I can live with that.

Can't say that I've ever felt more tired than other parents and I go running with my teenager now.

I suffered from secondary infertility so I'm very glad that I went ahead with that first pregnancy.

Whatever choice you make I hope that it works out well for you.

This is beautifully said

Op I had my last at 40. 43 isn't old age for a baby really. I wish you all the best whatever happens.

Take all the pregnancy vitamins and sit tight. See what 12 week scan shows. You have time, you have choices, things may change naturally. Good luck OP

OP some poignant thoughts from PPs, particularly imagine death bed regrets, if you end up without DP for whatever reason, if you lost the baby. If any of those give you a pang of wanting the baby you have to go through with it.
Given your age, the chance of loss is higher , so be prepared for that and perhaps get every test available and consider what choice you would make if there is indication of the baby being abnormal, could you devote your life to care/ meeting additional needs.
you sound very level headed, older parents Can be much more grounded and have less £ pressure due to having life experience before starting a family.

Is that really what you have taken from this thread?!

Obviously not. If you want to see what I’ve taken from this thread you should probably read all my posts. What you’ve done is pick up on one aspect I took up with another poster.

Your baby either gets to live with older parents or doesn’t get to at all. You say you want a baby. At 43/44 this is last chance saloon. If you abort, you’ll probably regret it to your dying day. Personally, I’m of the view that if he is willing to do the deed then he needs to live with the consequences. Sex isn’t just recreational. It comes with responsibility. And that isn’t to pressure your girlfriend to kill a child she wants. It’s to man up and be a Dad.

I find it interesting that most of the posters who have a positive story are those who have actually experienced this - either as a woman who had a baby in her 40s or as a child of a mum in her 40s.

And all the ones who are negative are those who are merely speculating about what they think they would do in your situation . Or in circumstances which they think are the same but are not, such as being pregnant at 43 when you already have 3 kids etc.

Or the people actually telling a mum of a disabled child that yeah they would totally have a termination coz no one wants a handicapped child. Yes it’s a woman’s right to choose but there’s also kindness and sensitivity.

That's the joys of selection bias for you

Not a mind blowing observation but I have always maintained one child is usually always generally manageable - but 2 is another matter.

I had a baby later in life and I’m the oldest mum in my dc’s class and I hate that. All the time I wish I was younger, and now my dc is starting secondary school, I’m struggling with the menopause, it has hit me hard I will admit. TBH the pregnancy was fine no problems there. I think your hormones go mad in the early stages of pregnancy and it makes you all excited, but you don’t think about the hard slog after. I’ll admit I was young looking in my early 40s but around 49 I seemed to age overnight and I'm now conscious of looking old and embarrassing DC. I’ve always been fashion conscious and haven’t let the grey come through, so I’m trying to fend off ageing. DC does often say how glam and trendy some of the cool younger mums are, and I feel ancient sometimes🤪. This is just my experience. In London I know no one would bat an eyelid at your age or your partners. But round her there are a few older mums but not many. Your DC might get comments about her dad’s age when older, from her friends, not necessarily negative, but kids say what they see.

You can't prevent them having SEN though.

Can't guarantee it at any age. I am not a natural mother. I love my kids, but honestly? I think my life would have been happier, definitely easier, without them. I had them in my mind 30s.

On the flip side, my SIL had her one and only at just shy of her 43rd. She adores her and is a brilliant natural mother and my brother dotes on her. They tried for another, she fell pregnant again at 44 and sadly lost it around the 10 week point. They were both traumatised by that experience.

I never said you could?!

100% agree with this. Everyone seems focused on the child being 'company' for the OP if anything happens to her partner (as well as that ridiculous and selfish suggestion that they could help look after him!) but she could easily end up in the position of having to look after the child for life. That would make her future even harder. I know someone who conceived a child with a husband of about 60. The child has learning difficulties and I don't think will ever live independently. Both their lives seem difficult and fully of worry.

My friend’s dad was 68 when he was born. He’s now 94 and has been a brilliant dad. Good luck!

Sure. I don't believe it's me who looks silly but you do you.

Rude!

You sound like you want to keep this baby, if all goes well.

In your shoes I would 100% keep the baby, and I have two already which I had slightly late, just under 37 just under 39yrs.

I have a very demanding career but would have not thought twice as I’ve always wanted another, but it never happened. Age wouldn’t have stopped me. I know lots of friends who had a baby around your age. But I would personally get all the tests. Good luck OP.

And you are only a randomer on the internet to me too, albeit one with bizarre views. I'm not the one reacting hysterically to a poster commenting on a post you put on a public forum. Nor do I believe that I'm the one who needs to calm down. Perhaps applying a little intelligent "self reflection" would help you to understand that if you post something publicly it's liable to be commented on.

How I wish I hadn't bothered in this case. I think you are a little fragile for the internet. I have no wish to re-read any of your past posts or any of your future ones for that matter.

Another late mum here, divorced many years ago, my career hasn’t suffered at all. My DC has been a joy for the whole family. He’s recently graduated and started a great job. Met loads more friends through him and we’ve even travelled together all over the world since all his older siblings left home. He definitely kept me young, his siblings all love him to bits despite the initial shock. No regrets at all other than he’s just left home. Keeping my fingers crossed for you x

And you are just going around trying to pick fights. Take a step back. This isn’t your life.