Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

Have the baby. It will be the best thing you have ever done in your life. You will be fine, and so will the child.

You don't know that.

I haven't read every comment, so apologies if I have duplicated or am chipping in with an irrelevant point.

Your concerns regarding your career struck a cord with me though.
I had my first and only at almost 38, and although it was planned I worried my career would nose dive.
We have zero family support, so the last 4 years it's just been me and my partner doing the childcare between us.

But...my career has continued to excel beyond my hopes.

If things are meant to work out, you will make your way.
Good luck for what ever the future holds, and follow your heart. Your head will sort it out.x

That may not be the case at all!

What I choose to post is absolutely nothing to do with you. The OP asked opinions on having a child at 43 which I gave my opinion on. I also don’t care if you read my posts as being rude, you’re only a randomer on the internet to me. Perhaps read back to you the first post you quoted me on. A little bit of self reflection would probably do you good especially on rudeness.

I hope you have a lovely evening and calm down slightly ☺️

Had my second 4 days before my 43rd birthday. He’s 8 now. PP said ‘you’ll have no life’. I do have a life!
It is a lot of work, but you get a lot out of it too - like anything that’s worthwhile.

In your situation, I’d be preparing for miscarriage, be thinking about possibility of a child with disability/ autism/ other additional needs and whether that was a risk I wanted to take. Definitely get the nipt test ( unless you are sure you would not terminate no matter what ), be thinking about whether I would be content being a single mother. I have no support either, but do have H.

Think hard about how a termination would affect you. It’s a very hard thing to live with if you terminate a child you wanted. Don’t underestimate this and the sense of loss and grief.

Terminations have risen amongst over 40s presumably because there is so much media about how women’s fertility drops off a cliff. It really doesn’t. Until you are in full menopause ( no period for over a year) you can get pg.

HIV has also risen amongst perimenopause’s women. Presumably due to relationship breakups and not feeling the need to use condoms as they think they can’t get pg.

We need some sort of sexual health messaging for over 40 women. Maybe @MNHQ could lead a campaign on this!

Please have the baby. You’re prioritising him too much and not your own desires enough.

Op,
I had a child when I was 40, and am no longer with the child's Dad.

Life is a funny old thing. I wouldn't place your life and death decisions on a relationship that has 50%chance of survival.

Parents die at 60 or 70 or 90 or more, they stay together or half end up apart, life goes on regardless.

I know I was a few years younger than you but they won't be 20 when you're 80! You'll be 60 something. When you're in your 80's they'll be in their 40's. When you put it like that it's not all that unusual.

If you want this baby then have this baby it could be your only/last chance. My dad died at 55, life isn't guaranteed you could live to 100. You need to make this decision and what is right for you x

Realistically op he probably won’t do much in all the circumstances. If you are prepared - truly prepared- to put up with that then the thought of him having to do it is lower in your considerations.
But the impact on the rest of the family is still important in other ways. Will his DC inherit less? Ugly topic but you have to be realistic about reactions . Will your Dc mind losing their dad at an early age? If he’s 60 it most likely will be early. Can you afford loads of childcare if you want to keep your career rolling?

My worse case scenario would not be your partner leaving but a high needs child that requires support for the rest of their life - while you potentially have no or very little support from a partner or extended family.

I say this as a mum to a largely non verbal child with autism who I had at 40. Fully on board husband but it is hard and lots of worries for the future.

Having a special needs child could find the OP in a very lonely place.

Not all menopauses are hell and it's only a few years/symptoms can be eased with HRT.
I wouldn't use a temporary blip as a reason not to have a child
I love having a teenager in my 50s!

This. He may not leave. But is he going to be a hands on Dad to an energetic 12 year old at 72?

*early 40’s 😂

Congratulations OP!!! 🥳

This was me 15 yrs ago. I was 43, senior role at work, assumed perimenopause, no previous children. DP was 15yrs older with grown up kids.

I took about 10 pregnancy tests as didn’t believe it and didn’t tell DP until I was about 10 weeks along and fully committed to it. I knew I could manage on my own if I had to.

DP was a bit wtf initially but not unsupportive, just very shocked.

It’s worked out brilliantly and DS is doing well at school and gets on really well with his much older siblings. I left work to become a SAHP and it’s been amazing. DH (we married when DS was 2) has been a great dad, very hands on and really enjoying life as a dad second time around with less pressure and we now also have grandchildren too. I get on very well with the DIL’s as I’m pretty up to date with current parenting ideas.

It seems your positives are about you wanting a baby and your negatives are that he doesn’t. Why are his feelings more important than yours? This will be your last chance OP…..please think very carefully, maybe a termination is a sacrifice too far.

You can't guarantee this, I'm afraid, at OP and her DH's ages.

35 is positively young to have a baby these days.

Yes it is but there were reasons which I’m not going to go into on here. We also never wanted to be older older parents but that’s personal choice.

I didn't notice my menopause - too busy

This.

Well that's not an awful reaction.

I think you're going to have a baby @Babybelle81 😊
<whispers> congratulations.

We're late starters in our family.
My mum had me at 37 and sister at 39 - positively ancient in the 70s!
I had mine at 39 1/2 and my sister had hers at 40.
We're all successful in our own field and the kids are great kids 😀

Wishing you all the best.

Getting ahead of ourselves a bit here OP, but you'll hear people talking about the NIPT which is a non invasive blood test. There is now an advanced one which tests for 70 different genetic and chromosomal issues but you will have to pay for it privately.
I'm almost 42 and got this done at just under 11 weeks pregnant - all came back low risk. If it had flagged anything up, I could have then gone for a more invasive, diagnostic kind of test.

Go for it OP. I had a baby at 42 and best decision. This might be your one and only chance and would be something you might regret if you wanted a child all along.

My husband died when our DC were still at primary school. He was 50. There are no guarantees in this life.

Have this baby. You know you want to.