Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

I agree I don’t think you need to ‘bear in mind a child might be disabled’! It could happen to any one and at any age. It’s important to keep a reasonable perspective.

My friend sacrificed a chance to have children due to her DH already having kids (now grown up).
Since becoming mother myself, I felt rather sad for her, it seems very unfair.
As others said, don't terminate just for him. Another pal of mine had her kids when she was around 40, and she's doing a brill job juggling family life and career.

My sister gave birth at 44. It was the worst thing she could have ever done health wise. She's aged so much in the space of a year she doesn't have the energy to keep up with a energetic toddler

You could always consider adoption.

If he was so definite about not having any more children he would have had a vasectomy a long time ago.

That's such a shame for your sister, hopefully she is getting some medical attention as that really needs to be investigated.
As you can see from many responses on this thread from mothers who've had babies over 40, that's certainly not the norm.

I had my 3rd child at 45, it was a surprise as my two girls are now 15 and 13.
to be honest the first 6 months flew by, it wasn’t a problem with night times etc, I went back to work, 1 week later.
i did think I would have a miscarriage as I had already had 3. I just thought it was meant to be. My husband is 7 years older. We had a boy, he is 4 now. My husband adores him, always outside together. No regrets. See what happens. Fingers crossed. Good luck.

There is a higher risk of miscarriage and of abnormality. But personally if I was in your situation I would continue the pregnancy, seeing a doctor and arranging a scan.

Hopefully you have told your husband and he also thinks that terminating an unplanned pregnancy is not the same as deciding not to have one. I wish you well.

If you want the baby that's your answer. Up to him what he does.

Erm as an older mum and very happily so, (conceived naturally at 40, 41, 42, and 43, (lost 2 early in the pregnancies ) with an even older DH, did your dh take any responsibility for contraception if he was so fearful of having more children. It's not all on you. The fact you're excited says it all for me. He may have to consider your feelings in this. And as pp have said there's no way he can demand you terminate the life of your unborn child. It's your body, your choice

I'd keep the baby!

My Mum was 42 when she had me. She openly admits she nearly had an abortion (she already had my sister and brother aged 20 and 12). All I can tell you is she frequently tells me how glad she is that she has me and that she feels being an older parent kept her young. She is a very sprightly 93 now and from my point of view looking after an older parent when I still have kids at home is a strange situation, but I never ever wanted my parents any younger than they were. I felt special if anything and proud to be different from kids at school. My Husband also had older parents (his Dad was 51 when he was born), We'd both say having older parents has been a positive thing.

I got pregnant with twins (already had two young children) and my DH found it very hard, he is definitely a 2.4 children type of person. He didn't speak for about a week. He took about a year to get used to them (really!) but since then they have been the apples of his eye and absolutely adores them. They are like little miracles to me and still can't believe how lucky I have to have them. Go with your gut, if you are excited then sounds like you should go for it. Good luck with telling him xx

Being blunt, you are likely to outlive your partner by quite a bit, especially with him being a man. What do you imagine when you imagine your future?

I wouldn’t advise sacrificing a wanted child for any man - but especially not one so much older. You could easily end up with neither child nor partner, and much sooner than you think.

I second the advice above to be really sure about what you want before you tell him, and being upfront about that with him.

OP- I'd keep the baby. I had my DD at 39 and wanted another one in my 40ies but I had so many miscarriages, I gave up. Now at 46 I'm considering IVF with embrio adoption or adopting a child. Your child is so precious.

I’m early 20s and my parents are 70 and 65 if you want the baby keep the baby, things will work out

My nan was 42 when she had my mum. She lived to 98! I absolutely wouldn’t terminate if you’ve always wanted a baby.

edit: my dad was in his 60s when I was born as well, I did worry a lot as a child because he was older but he also lived into his 90s.

Maybe the pregnancy happened for a reason ?
If you feel an excitement about the pregnancy and all that’s making you think about not wanting the baby is HIM being too old ,
how long have you been together?

your just giving him the decision to make. What
about YOU ?

There are so many ableist fearful and gloomy answers here- most people I Know have their first late 30s , early 40s after higher degrees etc - it’s fantastic to be able to fall pregnant at 43 & have a wanted child and realistically extremely unlikely to ever happen again. High chance of miscarriage but if get through safely likely to be transformatively life enhancing. Age is not a guarantor of future health however old you are. Nothing more exciting than a new person to love.

Sorry my dad is 80!

I also carried on having a great career, apart from maternity leave, I have carried on being successful

Congratulations OP. I would keep the baby, especially as it may be your last chance. As PP said, these things happen for a reason. I think you may regret it if you don't continue with the pregnancy.

I know not the same - but in a competitive process to adopt my lovely child I asked the social workers are you sure you are choosing us correctly as we are older parents ? Should she not go to younger parents ? She was 2 and it means that if I had been her biological mother that I would have had her when I was 47. They had several younger prospective parental couples that also wanted her. But they chose us. And they are child centred specialists. Age is not always the main issue.

I didn’t want to die without giving myself the chance to experience being a mother. I’m so glad I did it for me and her. And although I love my husband and he is a wonderful father , if we both had to choose our child would come first as that is the nature of parenthood. It’s not a magical thing and it is hard but it is a wonderful hard thing. Have courage and you will have much support from mumsnet if you need it- I wish you and your bloke all good things and it may be messy but maybe it will be gloriously messy.

I am 100% your body your choice and as you have said you're excited I think the choice is fairly obvious for you.

However if I could go back (I wouldnt because my son is my everything) I would have had a baby with someone who 100% in it with me. I was married but my husband had two young adult children. He was "okay" with us having a baby but as time has gone on his interest waivers and its hard because I know in the back of my mind I wanted him more than my husband did. He's now my ex husband.

I recently had my second child at 42 and I am truly exhausted, but oh my goodness I love this boy so, so much. He is the cutest little baby and he melts my heart every time I look at him. You get through the tiredness. I take one day at a time and whilst my DP is not really much help at night, he does help when he can so I can get some rest at weekends etc. If a baby is what you truly want, then you will be able to make it work.