Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

If you want to have your baby, have your baby. Your partner took the same risks you did, not using contraception. He is not a victim here. Good luck OP, whatever you decide to do.
You can do this on your own if you want/need to and could be very happy doing so x

I understand. Two things occur to me. Firstly, you need to tell him and discuss it, his reaction may surprise you. Secondly, you won’t be 80 when the baby is 20, you’ll be two years younger than me. I wouldn’t want to do it, but I could if I needed to. I am of course 5-years-older than your partner. Also, I have already raised 3 kids to adulthood. It’s different for you because you want a child and your body will probably be in better condition than a 43-year-old woman who has already had 3 kids (pregnancy and childbirth does take a toll). It might be worth mentioning that I was born when my own mother was 43. She wasn’t a good mother, but that had nothing to do with her age and, despite her being a lot older than my peers mothers, her age wasn’t an issue for me. That would be even less of an issue now, since it’s common for women to have their first child in their late 30s.

I’d say, breath and talk to your partner.

Please consider this baby may have disabilities . I had my son at 37 , had all the tests and he has quite severe special needs .

Not everything is picked up in utero .. it's a massive strain on any marriage let alone if one of you isn't keen .

You sound like a lovely lady and you put your loved ones before yourself. But I think this time it’s time to think about what you want to do and how you would feel whether you didn’t go ahead with this pregnancy.

With him being significantly older than you, chances are that he will die before you, therefore leaving you to spend all these special days like Xmas on your own without the company of any of your own kids. Would you also be happy with this scenario?

I had a surprise baby at 42.

I already had 2 sons, 1 16 and the other 11.
I was just getting my life back, and having time to myself, plus it was a new partner after a very painful and acrimonious divorce.

But it was a godsend !

I was made redundant on maternity leave....I was annoyed, but not heartbroken as the company had just be bought over, so changes were made, but because of the circumstances, my redundancy pay was excellent and it enabled me to start up my own business, which has grown every year.

My son is now 13, and I'm so grateful for him, and the changes my 'little accident' has brought to my life xxx

Please don't beat yourself up OP, you haven't been silly or irresponsible, just human. My heart goes out to you re the decision that you need to make. You do need to talk to your partner. Wishing you peace with whatever decision you make

Have your baby! I’ve been in this situation albeit younger and terminated. I’m all for freedom of choice and am not anti abortion at all, but I realised that I made that descision for a man and it was gutting.

Absolutely this

I thought it was pretty well known that you can get pregnant in perimenopause and happens often. Do you think maybe you (secretly) really wanted a baby?

You have to do what’s right for YOU, op. Now there’s a life to think about it’s become your decision, not the father’s.

I think in your situation I would decide what I want before telling him. If you make the choice to have the baby you may have to go it alone. Consider how you feel. Also I’m similar age to you and I don’t think your to old. Plenty of older parents on the school run now.

It sounds to me like you’d like to have the baby. If he didn’t want more children he should have had a vasectomy …

I had mine at 40 years old. He was my first and last child, and as soon as he got here, I knew I would have died if I had not had him.

He is the light of my life and I cannot imagine life without him.

I cannot offer much more than this.

Well I had my second at 43, and my friend who had her second also at 43 has a husband 14 years older, so much like you. Personally I love having teens now , and my friends DH is an amazing father.
In your place (as you want a baby) I would not give up my only chance for any man, but only you can make that decision for yourself. I wish you the best whatever you decide.

I hope your conversation goes well!

I'm very sorry that you are in this situation but, with respect, this could happen at any age.
I had my DD at 37, she is now 4 and healthy.
While there is an increased risk the older you get it is still low and the odds of having a healthy child are much higher than not.
The families I know with autistic or physically disabled children, the parents all had them in their 20's and 30's

You've both been irresponsible but there's no point beating yourself up for that now. As others have said, you need to consider your support network in raising this baby alone. I also wouldn't bank on the baby's adult siblings being supportive, especially if its father isn't interested. You need to consider your own finances and plans for the future. If your baby goes to university, you could be 65 before you're not supporting them financially any more. That isn't a reason not to have the baby but you do need to think about it.

I foolishly got pregnant early in a relationship. I have 3 dc all of which I struggled to conceive as I have pcos.
Anyway, so I got pregnant and part of me was excited. But dp and I had already said we didn't want any more kids. I wanted to keep the baby but dp didn't and he also said how my other 3 dc really needed me as they all have special needs. My mum was also concerned for my health.
I caved to peer pressure and terminated at 8 weeks.
The decision haunts me still and it was just over 2 years ago.
Please take the time to decide and do what you want. It's a decision that will be with you for life.
Take care xx

@sel2223 obviously but the risk goes up the older you ( your eggs and the father is)

I have PMed my situation to the OP, but I would say- any much older man who hooks up with a younger woman who does not have children and who thinks and expects that she should have to give that up because he has been there and done that is simply not a good man. He is a selfish man. And a selfish partner. Who - combined with the fact he does not actively use contraception- does not deserve consideration in a woman's choices about her own body, her own future and her own child.

Spookily similar circumstances to my situation years ago. I had the baby and he is the apple of his old dads eye.. He took a while to come around, we're not together but he loves his son and his older grown up children adore their half sibling.
I thought I couldn't have children but had always wanted them so in the end I knew I was keeping the baby no matter what. I am now on a mission to stay healthy and strong for my son. Other than that, we're no different to any other parents .
We love our child and aim to give him the best start in life. He is surrounded by family who love him. As a PP said , there are worse things that can happen to children then having old parents.

I think you’re over thinking having old parents. It’s fine really - you aren’t even that old imo! I mean you won’t be having 3 kids in your forties but my mum had my brother (her last) at 43 and it’s been fine. Your husband is obviously older but it’s still not the end of the world.

That aside. What do you really want? I think that’s all that counts really. If he absolutely didn’t want anymore kids he could have had the snip. Have a good hard think before you speak to your husband. Hopefully he will be reasonable either way and you can discuss it collaboratively and be sympathetic to each others views. Don’t make any rash choices. Seek lots of advice so you know your mind. Lots of luck whatever you choose. Xox

The only reason not to have this baby is if you don’t want it; nothing else matters now. Having older parents doesn’t matter, your partner will come round (or not) but it doesn’t matter. If you want to have it you should have it. Good luck with the decision.

You must do what you think is best for you.

Also, bear in mind that you can get false positives on pregnancy tests at your age, so you need further investigations to determine if you're pregnant, and how far on you are.

Yes, i did say that
But the fact remains that it is still more likely you will have a healthy child than not at any age.