Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

You wanted one. If he was so anti, why didn't he have a vasectomy?

Like a lot of men he probably relied on the woman to sort out the contraception!

Hang on…he is responsisiblty for his own fertility! If he doesn’t want a baby that much, he should have bloody well had a vasectomy…especially at his age…he does know (and I hope you do too) the risk of this baby having genetics disorders rises with older men too. He knew he didn’t want more children, he should not EVER have left it to you to take hormones or whatever to meet his choices.
a person chooses NOT to have children. It’s not that you chose to have children pregnancy is a foreseeable and inevitable outcome of sex ( unless of infertility) and men, too often, think it’s the freaking magic fairies that prevent pregnancy, so he can be passive about his “choice”.

he’s the freaking stupid and irresponsible one, that’s now landed you in this situation. It’s too late now for him to choose not to have children. There is a pregnancy. Horse bolted and all that.

exploan how pregnancies happen if you don’t have vasectomy to him like an eleven year old. When he grows up and realises he fucked up in more ways than one, hopefully you’ll decide what’s best for you. Do not be afraid of telling him- he’s the one that should be shamed about landing you in this situation.

Okay, you asked.

I would absolutely not want to have a child with a man who did not want to have a child with me. I would not want to bring a child into the world knowing full well that child's father wished it didn't exist. That is saddling that child with something really shit from the very outset.

You were daft and irresponsible to think that at only 43 you didn't need to use BC because you were probably perimenopausal. That makes me wonder if you were secretly hoping this would happen and you doth protest too much. You are hand wringing and making it out to be a dilemma that needs serious consideration, when really you know very well that you are going to have this baby. Someone who gets PG having absolutely no hope or intention of doing so, is usually horrified and usually knows exactly what they need to do without asking for other people's opinions on it.

Above all else you don't want your child to have old parents, but if you have this child then it is going to have old parents. And probably separated parents. And one parent who doesn't want it. Plus you'll have a 1 in 30 chance of your baby having Down Syndrome and a higher than usual chance of it having Autism due to the age of its father. And 1 in 200 pregnancies miscarry due to amniosentesis, so there is a risk that in testing for that, you could abort a healthy pregnancy too.

Your career is neither here nor there. If it's amazing then you will be able to afford good childcare and you can keep your career going. Don't under-estimate how unbelievably exhausting it will all be though, doing it on your own and having your career. It won't make for a particularly rosy childhood for a singleton child of a single older mother, either. But if it's what you know you really wanted deep down then you'll do it anyway.

Just to add a different perspective. I had a termination after I felt o didn’t have a choice, I really wanted the baby deep down. It really affected me mentally and morally. I think everyone should have a choice to terminate and I know people that have never looked back. But like you I wasn’t sure and I regret it terribly. I would talk to your partner you may be surprised he may be unexpectedly happy. If you decide to go ahead with a termination don’t hide it because you’ll need support.
best of luck in your decision. Xx

Have the baby! Sounds like you want to be a mama and sounds like maybe you’d regret it if you ended the pregnancy?

I have looked at it from OP’s perspective but part of deciding to keep the baby is understanding that she may be doing it alone. Pretending it will all be roses and rainbows isn’t helpful. It’s toxic positivity.

A young woman at work in her 20s shared that her dad was in his 60s when she was born. She indicated her mum was older too. She is the most accomplished person I have ever met. From the way she presented herself to how she spoke, she was impressive. She said she enjoyed talking and listening to her parent’s friends who had a variety of interests and she absorbed so much if it. First time I felt out of my depth managing someone who clearly had it together more than most.

He may surprise you with his reaction, especially if he had planned to take his foot off the work pedal a bit as he can be around a bit more. Life often does not go to plan but just think how much easier all the drop offs and pick ups will be off one of you is semi retired by then. It does not matter how old you are really as you could both live into your 90's or be run over by a bus tomorrow. There are no guarantees in this life and families come in all shapes and sizes. Do what your heart is telling you xx

I can imagine giving up having a child for a partner, but I can't imagine having an abortion for one because it's too close, too possible. I don't think I could move on in a relationship if I only had an abortion for someone else. I'd always be thinking 'we'd have an x year old this Christmas' my due date would have been now etc.

Just my thoughts of course.

Also, I'm late 30s and although I imagine I find pregnancy more draining that a sprightly 20 year old I don't know any different. You could well be the same x

I'm alot older than you with a very bouncy 2yr old, but would not change him for the world.

However I got pregnant deliberately not accidently. So it's a choice if you are pregnant.
It would still be possible in a few years but you could probably need fertility treatment.

Either way, I hope your choices bring happiness.

OP there were steps he could have taken to prevent this if it really was a no deal situation from his side. Please do not blame yourself. I’m sure he is a decent man and you sound lovely too. You both have to take responsibility for this in the most kind and caring way possible. I hope he supports you with whatever decision you may make, but if he doesn’t then it will be ok. You are stronger than you think you are. If you want to keep the baby you are completely and utterly within your rights to do so.

If you feel excited by it and have wanted a baby I would have the baby personally.

I've had 2 friends who have recently had babies at 44. Both had thought that ship had sailed. Neither has looked back and both love being a mum. This decision really is yours to be made. I get that your DH doesn't understandably want more kids. But it's unfair to expect you not to have that experience when he has. Also, my own father passed away when he was 50. It was tough, but some people do unfortunately lose parents on their late teens/early 20s and still go on to enjoy and appreciate their own lives. My personal view is that you should keep this baby because there won't be other chances, you said that you wanted one and that you also feel excited. However, do be prepared for the higher miscarriage rate, so keep yourself grounded. Don't worry about Downs Syndrome or other issues. You can go privately for conclusive blood testing and scans fairly early on for different conditions today.

Blimey, extrapolate away! I think the OP has a modicum of intelligence! All I've said is that travel is possible, I'm not suggesting she applies to be an astronaut! Toxic positivity?! Fabulous!

By the way it was me that had a healthy child at 45!

My DH is an older father (but no older children in the mix) and it's fine. He's had an amazing career but can now be a real handsome on Dad to our 2 bright, lively youngsters.
He does get tired at times but loves being a Dad.
He's semi-retired now which helps.......

It sounds like you want this baby. I highly doubt you will get another chance so I think keep it.

It was an accidental pregnancy. Not like you planned it, these things happen. From what you've said I think you'd regret a termination.

If a part of you is excited I think you have your answer. 43 is not too old to have a baby. If you want to make it work you can.

Just wanted to offer an unmumsnetty hug OP

I'm your age and had my youngest at 40. I've met lots of mums at a similar age at baby groups antenatal etc.

I agree.

I'd only have the baby if you are equally happy and excited at the prospect of raising it on your own.
I know a couple of women who have very happily become single mothers by choice (sperm donation) in their early 40s. Women have always had babies in their 40s, it's not too old.
I wouldn't rely on or expect your partner to be an equal or active parent though or even necessarily for the relationship to survive.

I agree, but this is why you should not deny yourself the chance to have a child in order to keep a partner who doesn't want them. But neither should you deliver that partner with a fair accomplis if you've led him to believe you will respect and uphold his choice, either. Of course in that case the man should have had a vasectomy. The fact that he didn't may give his partner the moral high ground, but won't necessarily do anything to change his feelings about the situation, which is what will really hurt.

There are thousands and thousands of 'soulmates' out there for all of us. None of us need to make such a huge sacrifice for one man or one woman, thinking that holding on to that person is more important that allowing ourselves to be fulfilled as as a parent. The desire to be a parent is an extremely strong one that's pretty hard to ignore.

It will always weigh heavily on a person who tries to suppress those feelings for the sake of someone else. Especially a woman who has missed her chance for a man who ended up leaving her anyway.

If you are pretty certain you'd like children then you should not be afraid to make that clear very early on in a relationship. Anyone in your life for more than a few months should be aware of that and prepared for it. Don't waste precious time on people who want fundamentally different things to you. It's a fool's game. You end up like the OP, having waited too long and now clutching at straws and hoping for the best in a difficult situation.

This. I would hate for your heart to be broken Op, you sound quite excited and it's best to triple check.

Please have some counselling to help you talk through your decision and your options. I found Choices charity really helpful!! (Choices charity Islington)

good luck with whatever you choose!