Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

I’m not minimising the father’s role (not sure what DO is, I’m assuming typo for DP) but home schooling is feasible and the child doesn’t go to school until 4 in the UK, 6 elsewhere. He certainly doesn’t need a reason, but shouldn’t be the deciding factor in the OP’s decision.

Totally doable. I had my youngest at 41. My marriage to my ex ended before he was 1. Non baby related just because he was a twat. So single parent at 41. Been amazing. So what I’m 51 and he’s going to secondary school. I’m retiring at 60, just when he’s off to uni and it’s perfect. I don’t regret it at all. This isn’t about your partner this is about you. You want a baby have one. He can be as involved or not as he wishes.

You could always take the 'let nature decide approach '.

Miscarriage is a risk. So are abnormalities. But not guaranteed.

You could just take the day at a time approach rather than making an active choice now?

If it's meant to be then it will be. If it's not then at least you know it was never a real option on the table.

If you abort (before any screening) then the option of a healthy child will forever live in in your mind.

This 100%. You'll end up hating him and always wondering what could have been.

Please put yourself first OP!

@PaintedLadies

That's absolutely NOT what I said! Re-read my post.
I said exactly the same thing as afrikat (Today 17:18) said at the end of her post.
OP is envisaging her husband being 80 when the child is 20, but she also needs to remember that he could well die sooner than that, so when making her decision she has to factor in her ability to cope as a single parent, not just because he might leave her, but also because he might die.
It's not an awful thing to say, it's reality.

Your first reaction is normally how you truly feel.
You say you don’t want him to feel trapped but he’s not trapped.
This is more than likely your only chance to have a baby. My advice would be have the baby either with or without partner

You can do it without support. All of my family live abroad and DH’s family are a few hours away. I joined local baby groups.

Really great advice here . Wishing you all the best . In my experience- children were the very best thing to happen in my life . And I know what it is to have an unplanned pregnancy.
It does sound as if your heart wants this … Don’t t prioritise his desires over yours

Keep the baby! In your position I would absolutely keep the baby. Your career will be fine, your DP will either come round to the idea or he won’t, you’ll manage either way. Congratulations! Xx

OP, do what’s right for you.

You say you have always wanted a baby and part of you feels excited.

All your negative points are about your partner.

I think you know your answer already
best wishes xx

I would urge you quickly to arrange a scan so you know how far pregnant you are. At 42 I found myself 20 weeks pregnant with absolutely no symptoms whatsoever, my DH was 53 and a grandfather of 3, we were thrilled but if you are not certain then your options depend on stage you are at .

@Babybelle81 thinking of you. Let us know how you get on.

Well there you go then. Congrats. Just in my area theres a first time Mum 45, and another 42. People are living longer.

My mum got unexpectedly pregnant at 40. Her partner didn't want any more kids, so she had a termination. She still regrets it to this day, and it was 27 years ago. If you want this baby then have it. Don't terminate for a man. You'll only resent him for it. Of course, if you don't want it then that's different altogether and your choice.

I get it, the conflict. I don't want to heap on to it, but as an "older" mum there's a higher chance that this baby has a disability of some kind too, which makes would make raising them so much harder.

However... I think that if you want children, (and it sounds like you do) this is a gift that should not be scoffed at. It may or may not signal the end of your relationship, but I think it sounds like you want this child, and that you are financially okay to have one. How long have you been with your partner? It doesn't sound like a new relationship, maybe you as a couple have had a period of time having it his way, now it's time for it to be yours?

You've sacrificed a hell of a lot by not having a baby due to his wishes even though you want one.

I think now's your time and you subconsciously really wanted this.

I had a beautiful healthy girl who
made me a first time mum at 44. No regrets 🩷

I know your DP is much older than you so it’s not the same but my mum had me unexpectedly late in life at 42.

As far as I’m aware she doesn’t regret it 😁

They are older yes but also they were much more stable financially and were able to give me a wonderful childhood and head start in life. Now they are older my career is taking off and I can help them.

Its also a lot more common now than when I was a kid - back then I was the odd one out as, partly due to local demographics most of my friends parents were still teenager when they gave birth.

There's a new blood test at 10 weeks which checks for genetic disorders and chromosomal abnormalities. NIPT. Look it up.

I'm going to PM you, OP

You wanted one. If he was so anti, why didn't he have a vasectomy?
Anyway OP. here it is, your shot. Having old parents, no, not ideal, but whose child has an ideal circumstance? And even if they do, there's no guarantee they stay the same.
Your partner is 20 years your senior. What does your future look like with or without children?

Why has he not got snip if so adamant he didn't want a child?

DP is 60. When the child is four he’ll be 64/65 and on the cusp of retirement and having the time to travel. It shouldn’t be a deciding factor in OP’s decision but you were glossing over something that’s quite important to her OH.

i have read all your replies so far @Babybelle81

and the one thing that jumped out at me is ' but the other part is I don’t want him to feel trapped and like he has no freedom again.'

I notice you call him your partner, not your husband.

why is this ?

Because it's not his decision, it's hers and we're looking at her pov. Had he been serious about not wanting more dc, he could have had a vasectomy or used contraceptive measures. Presumably he's aware that people don't just not ever get pregnant at the OP's age.

You need to stop thinking about him and start thinking about what YOU want.

This could be your only chance to be a mum!