Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

It sounds as if deep down you are excited and want to continue the pregnancy and the choice is yours. It would lead to resentment if you terminated out of consideration for your partner.
Don't be surprised though if his initial reaction is very negative.
Coming from the perspective of someone who started to have grandchildren around age 60, I enjoy them very much but I would have found it difficult to muster the energy and enthusiasm to be a full time parent to them, especially for the babyhood and pre-school phase. I think its going to be hard work for you and most of the night time waking etc. is going to be down to you. You may grow to resent him if you feel he isn't pulling his weight and it would affect your relationship.
Looking after young children is hard work and it doesn't sound like you have much family support. Will you be able to afford to buy in some help? For the first few years child care is very expensive.
The ageing rock stars having children in their 60s can afford night nurses, cleaners, nannies etc. so any time with the child is fun time.
I would be very unhappy if I was your husband but I wouldn't bail out because I would know it was a result of my own actions and I would feel responsible.
I don't think there's any issue with your own age-43 is very different from 60.
I don't know what the answer is-only you can decide but I think there's potentially going to be strain on your relationship which is sad because it should be an exciting time for you.

Fuck him! This is great news!!!! Congratulations!!!!!!!

I had two babies at a similar age to you - one at 41 and another at nearly 43. In an idea world I’ve had them sooner but that’s the way it worked out . Both babies were wanted.

I had healthy pregnancies which both went to term, one vaginal delivery and one CS. Both babies were healthy and well.

They are now 19 and 20 and at university. They are wonderful kids and I’ve never once for a single moment regretted having them.

Im still very fit for my age ( early 60s) , I do a lot of sport and work full time ( two students are expensive ! ).

I once asked them how they felt about having “ older “ parents ( actually in response to a thread on MN) and they said it wasn’t an issue , we are only slightly older than a lot of their friends parents. They actually said it was a really stupid question, they didn’t understand why anyone would care. If anything they thought was I was more chilled than most younger parents ( maybe they get away with more ! ).

Remember that a eg 10 year old doesn’t see much difference between a 50 year old and a 45 year old, we are all just generic old people to them 🤣

Their father ( my now ex husband ) ran off with his mistress when they were in high school, which was hard for us all. I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been for me if I’d not had children for his sake and then he buggered off anyway.

I’ve never regretted having them for one second, they are the very best thing in my life and bring me so much joy.

If you want the baby then have it. I probably would in your situation, but obviously it’s your decision.

Congratulations and good luck 💐

Was in exactly your position, 24 years ago. Our son is now 23. Best thing l ever did. His dad died 4 years ago. Cancer not old age.

My life was turned upside down. I missed my old life & grieved for it. But motherhood sneaked up on me & l can honestly say my son was & is utterly worth it.

But your wishes are just as important, just be aware you may end up parenting on your own. But this is your last chance. Sending hugs.

Not the exact same situation OP but I was in a relationship (and then marriage) with a man 21 years older than me from age 22-36. He had older children and didn't want anymore (he'd had the snip long before I met him so it wasn't even a possibility).

Long story short but we split up, I met someone else (my age - no kids) and like an irresponsible teenager fell pregnant only a couple of months into the new relationship! I was younger than you at 37 but had completely written myself off from having kids so it was a huge surprise and there was a lot of soul searching.

In the end we decided to try and make a go of it and we are now married with a 4 year old and second baby on the way (I'll be 42). It's worked out for us so far but I had fully accepted that if it didn't, I would do it on my own.

It was never something I wanted or looked for but, when faced with the reality of that BFP, I, personally, could not have terminated a healthy pregnancy. I haven't regretted it for a single minute of a single day! I've had a great life up to now filed with adventure and experiences. I've travelled the world, lived abroad, built a career, I'm financially secure, happy...... but nothing comes close to being a mother (imo).

You have to trust the timing of your life but, as a pp said, what is meant for you will not pass you by.

OP congratulations.
I just looked at my 61 year old DH and he'd love a baby. I fact we wind our DC (21/25) up about it. If your DPs family are farmers they're usually hardy stock. My granddad was 90 and still overseeing his cows.

My mum lost twins at 40 and it broke her heart. She talked about them everyday and she had four children.
Keep the conversation jolly. You did nothing wrong. When I was 49 the GP insisted on another coil because I was still hot to trot.
As a Christian I would see the baby as a gift from God (but most people would see that has hogwash, I know).
I'm cheering you on. X

Congratulations! Reading your messages it sounds like you want this baby. This may be your last chance so go for it! Hopefully your partner will come around but, if not, you could do this alone.

What if you didn’t have the baby and your husband left you? How would you feel then? This is your one chance to have a baby so you must do what you feel in your gut. I had a surprise pregnancy at 32 and thr gp I went to see really helped; she asked me to consider this could be my one and only chance to have a child and to let that guide my decision. It was such a wise bit of advice. The circumstances were less than ideal but I never have regretted the decision to have my daughter for even a day. She is the absolute light of my life and gives me so much joy every day. I also had another daughter at 43 in unexpected circumstances—honestly sometimes you just have to let the light shine in

I don't know why people are making the assumption that the baby's dad will walk?

Maybe in the face of an actual pregnancy, and if the OP wanting to continue with it, he might be willing to go through with it?

Lucky him he's got kids - you haven't

Plan for worst, hope for the best.

I had my first and only child at 43, and he is the light of my life. I'm 60 next year, and am embarking on a new career. He's given me a new lease of life.

Like others, I think if you don't have this baby you will regret it for ever, more than you'd regret the relationship ending.

Congratulations! Please keep your beautiful little baby. Your career will be fine x

Good luck whatever you decide

OP, I think you should try and find out what mat leave you would get and then seriously think about how would you manage school, nursery etc, especially if you were essentially operating as a single parent. I don't think 43 is an unusual age to have a child or a bad thing. I do think having a child and all the logistics is massive! It will really change what freedom you have, what you end up doing on weekends, who you spend time with etc and not just as a baby but for years. Picture yourself in 2 years, will you miss out on holidays with friends or pursuing hobbies if you're not got childcare, ...5 years, can you imagine doing school drop offs and going to swimming lessons and kids parties every weekend. In 10 years, in 15 years etc...are you prepared to say living in one place if your kid is settled at school even if you see a great job somewhere else etc. I love having kids but it's more all consuming than I realised before I had them. But it's also incredibly rewarding and gives me a huge amount of purpose!

I think you need to listen to the part of you that's excited.

If he didn’t want any more kids he should have had the snip. To be blunt, this is likely one of your last opportunities to have a child without fertility treatment. If you’ve wanted a child and are excited then I would continue with the pregnancy.

If you were to split in the future and had a termination, think of the resentment you may feel. Of course it’s your choice but I considered a termination with ds2 (had just split up with his dad before I found out I was pregnant due to his cheating). I’m so happy I didn’t go through with it as he’s the most wonderful boy and I love him to bits.

He might be pleasantly surprised! You never know.

I do want to say though, OP, that you sound quite smitten with it all so please do think carefully about what you do, despite your partner's feelings. You don't want to always be thinking 'what if', if you choose to terminate. Best of luck💛

@Babybelle81 Can you manage on your own if you had to? If I had dreamt of having children for so long, I would not give up the opportunity to have a baby. I would have the baby regardless. Good luck with everything, and you dont know what he may say yet

Can I just add and I’ve read through the thread and I’m not sure I’ve seen this mentioned; In perimenopausal and postmenopausal women, hCG levels can rise and cause false positive pregnancy test result. @Babybelle81 it may be worth getting a second opinion from GP before you do anything else.

i hope you get the answer you are looking for.

He could get hit and killed by a bus tomorrow or leave you and you would be without him. My advice would be have the baby. If he doesn't like it, he's got a choice. Just because HE has already got children, doesn't mean you can't have one. If he truly loved you he would be happy. Don't get rid of a baby you always wanted for a man.

What wonderful messages.
You are all such lovely people. Thank you for taking the time to provide me with reassurance and your wonderful thoughts.
I appreciate it more than you’ll know.
x

It reads like something if he had said yes you would have done years ago .

This is a last chance . Likely your only chance .
just bear in mind if you have an abortion you don’t want for him you relationship is more than likely over . Your resentment will grow .