Help. I’m pregnant. At 43.

[Babybelle81]

I am 43 and soon to be 44 and just today found out I am pregnant.

I do not have children and my partner is 60 with grown up children who doesn’t want anymore.

I thought I was peri menopausal so thought I was safe, stupidly. I felt sick and sore boobs and am late, so tested today and it came up straight away.

I’ve not told him yet, I’m so frightened to.
I also have an amazing career which was going from strength to strength. Above all else, I don’t want my baby having old parents. He will be 80 by the time it is 20 and I just feel it’s unfair.

Please can you give me your honest and straightforward thoughts.

Thank you in advance.

Congratulations OP!

I have read all your posts OP and it is clear to me that you really want this baby. Tick (by which I mean decision made - not approval, that is none of my business, the decision either way is solely yours and I approve of whatever you decide).

Now you have to discuss this with your partner, and the really difficult decisions begin:

1. Give him time, this will be a big shock. His initial reactions may not be his final views.

2. Admittedly I'm jumping well ahead here, but if you have one - do you want 2? 😂

3. If he doesn't want a child are you prepared to go ahead on your own? 👿 This is the nightmare difficult decision.

There are so many difficult possibilities, but let me assure you that your circumstances are not that unusual. In my village school I can think of the the following "old" families:

Dad 65+ Mum 55+ Children 7
Dad 45+ Mum 45+ Children 4 & 8
Dad 50+ Mum 45+ Children 4 & 7
Dad 45+ Mum 40 Children 6 & 8

It's doable and you won't be exceptionally old, but you may be the only ones who were surprised! 😂

PS - I PMed you, and give him a stiff G&T before you tell him the good news.

School gets in the way a bit and DP will be retiring around the same time baby goes to school.

Minimising DO’s reasons for not wanting children doesn’t really help at all. He doesn’t need any reason not to want more kids.

I had my last baby at 44, almost 45. It was tiring but then I already had three other kids under 8 whilst also retraining to be a massage therapist. Never any question to not go ahead with the pregnancy but completely understand anyone who doesn't. It's obviously your decision but in your position, I would go ahead with it. A good career is great but serves no comfort in your old age (sorry).
Also, 60 is not old! Most people should be relatively healthy and have energy at that age and if not, a newborn should be the motivation to get fit.
To the poster who said you'll have no life after kids - yes, it's a big change but life is about change but no-one (very few) people ever regret having their children.
My daughter is 9 now and I thank the Universe daily for my menopause baby.
Good luck xx

It's sounds like they are meant to be here in your life. I have a few friends who are older parents and they have wonderful grounded kids.

I had a surprise baby at 42- gave birth at 43. She's incredible and we wouldn't be without her. It has been tough but worth it countless times.

I have a friend who had a baby with her much older (20year) partner, she was desperate for a second in early 40's, he said no way. So they didn't. I bumped into her the other day, they've split up and now she's too old to have another. It was really sad hearing her talk about this.

I wouldn't personally let his feelings rule out yours, he's already had children and you haven't.

He's 60....

Once he's retired and on a pension doubt CMs would be payable

Remember you don't need his permission to have the baby.

Give him time to get over the shock. His first response might not be his actual true feelings.

Do not take any blame here. If you genuinely thought you were safe then you've done nothing wrong. He could also have researched biology or used a condom.

I would also add that my parents were at the older end and now I'm in mid 40's my mum is in a home with dementia, however my dad is great and still enjoying life a lot.

Also my close friend at primary's mum died when we were 10 and she was much younger than my parents, so you just never know. I still had many more years with my mum than my poor friend 😢.

@Babybelle81 its 2024 many people are having children late and there probably will be lots of older parents by the time your dc is 20. By the time their 20 a lot of their friends parents will probably a similar age to you .

Have the baby, it’s a blessing and you’ll figure it out

This happened to me at 43 just before Christmas. Had 3 children already, 2 primary aged with a much older partner. I too felt stupid, embarrassed and completely in a panic. The first pregnancy test I dreaded being positive after years of joy then sorrow after many miscarriages. Felt very guilty. No pressure at all from my partner, my decision 100% but I knew as soon as that line came up what I wanted. And it was not another child.

But only you can make this decision. You. You both chose to have sex knowing it may lead to pregnancy. Even on contraception, none of it is 100% so it’s on both of you, don’t let him make it your ‘mistake’. Equal. But it’s your body. So it’s up to you and you alone if you keep this child or not.

I chose to have a termination, via tablets through the post. I never got to take those tablets as I miscarried before I had the chance, but I still would have so the guilt is the same. But it wouldn’t have been right for ME to have another.

Just hugs really, I know how it feels to be in your position, it’s like the rug of life has been pulled out from under you. But I can’t underline it enough, it’s your decision. Feel free to DM if you need a walk through the early termination route, phone calls, consults etc. thinking of you.

What if you abort this baby then the relationship ends anyway?

Have your baby OP
You always wanted one
He won't ever understand cuz he has children
Just be prepared to take on more of the responsibility

StormingNorman

School gets in the way a bit and DP will be retiring around the same time baby goes to school.

I've just realised he could be the main stay at home parent if he's retiring. The state pension age is now 66 and goes up to 67 soon.

I know he said he didn't want to do it again, but if he gets excited about the baby and/or stays, this could be a whole new way for him to be a dad, compared with the first time round.

To be frank, he should have had the snip if he didn't want another child. Talk with him, you'll have to see what he says before making a decision.

Personally, I would keep the baby.

Gut feeling reading post : it's meant to be.
Am an older mother too.
My grandmother was 46 when her 1st GC was born, I on the other hand had a 7 year and 10 year old at that age.
The " will be 80 " when child is 20 doesn't wash with me, life isn't that predictable.
Many of us can't even predict if partners stay/stay
healthy, no matter what age.
You could be 20 and something happens to
you/partner but yes, being older is certainly more tiring.
Can't imagine not having kids if presented with yes / no option.

If I was child free at your age and wanted a baby and was excited by an unplanned pregnancy, wild horses wouldn't stop me giving it a go. The age gap means in all probability you will sacrifice a great deal to your partner as it is. I certainly wouldn't allow my chance to be a mother to be added to that list.

Gross weekly income is gross weekly income.

I don't know if you can't touch pension income.

Tell him we are pregnant and he's living a rockstar life and he will be forever young. Humour him as much as possible.

People die. I don't think that's a good enough reason to terminate a baby that's already been conceived.

Congrats Op, I hope he takes the news well!

My dad had his last child at 60 and my stepmum was 37. Dad’s eldest child was 34 at the time. Having young children (he already had 3 young ones) kept my dad young and he kept himself really healthy. He died at 88 of old age.

His age was never a problem for any of us.

I had my first child in my 40s and they’re the light of my life. My partner wasn’t so sure about having a baby, but he is smitten and a wonderful dad. Don’t let someone else make that decision for you irrespective of how you feel about them. Relationships come and go.

I’m not worried about being an old parent, nothing is guaranteed. Parents can pass away whenever, which happened to me when I was young and age wasn’t the factor.

OP, I had my second at 42. I am now 62 and he is 20 and at university. He is an utter joy and we have a great relationship. My career is still going strong and we are both fit and healthy. It was a very easy pregnancy too, although the doctors did stress that it could end in a miscarriage due to my age.

I have read the OP's posts but not the full thread.

I also got pregnant at 43 and had the baby when I was 44, (and again at 47).

It is indeed a major undertaking. I have one with high functioning autism, he is clever and funny and sometimes very kind, though he has been hard work at times. He is planning to study computer science at University and all sorts.

I have enjoyed the teen bit, especially as I could take the pressure off at work by this stage.

We decided not to go for IVF, but DH agreed that if I fell pregnant naturally, we would go with the flow. We also have friends who similarly fell pregnant naturally, a bit older than the usual.

I wouldn't be without the children for the world.

At the same time, of course you have to decide what is right for you.

Good luck with it.