Boyfriend doesn't want to have baby

[FirstTimeMummyxxx]

Hi, I am 23 and already have an 11 month old. My partner knew i wasn't on the pill and we have been having sex unprotected - lo and behold i done a test today and it was positive. He doesn't want to keep the baby, won't even sit down and talk about it just straight away said "do another test then we will google on what's the next steps to get rid" but i don't want to get rid. I have always wanted kids young and i am kind of against abortion... (please don't hate me for that). We have a house together but not sure what to do, leave him and keep the baby and get my own place and be a single mom or get rid like he wants?

You want two children-you're about to have two children-you can support them, so that's all good.

He is entitled to his wants too. He doesn't want the baby-it sounds as if he doesn't want you-saying he feels trapped.
So, let him go. He's 23-it's likely he will marry and have other children in the future and you and yours will, sadly be seen as the practice run-horrible but true in the majority of cases.

So, over to you. Make sure you carry on working and life will be easier.

Accidents with contraception happen, absolutely, but not using contraception at all in the context of a longterm relationship in which you’re having regular sex is not an accident. It’s an irresponsible failure to engage with the likely results of your actions.

@LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain I've not said a thing about how the OP earns a living? Totally irrelevant as far as I'm concerned.

However I do feel strongly that children deserve at the very least to start out with parents who actually want them, because it is not a nice position to grow up in, knowing that one of the people who are supposed to love and care for you unconditionally actively did not want you to be born.

You have

This baby was not planned by both of you

I couldn't agree with this more. What a nasty group it can be sometimes.

I think your partner could be in a bit of shock. Not to excuse his comments but he may just need a bit of time to think. Don't be too hasty to make decisions.

You need to do what is right for you though, and only you know what that is.

But this one wasn't

Did you ever have a conversation about extending your family?

These judgemental posts are so unhelpful. OP, your partner sounds awful. Unfortunately too many men still consider birth control the woman's responsibility.

Definitely don't take his views into account when you decide whether to proceed with the pregnancy. I do really hope you can get the support you need regardless of the decision you make.

Committed? Not in her partner's case

Don't rush to make the decision yet. It's early days. Your BF might be in shock himself too and will change his tune once he has had time to think.

God MN is shitty to first time mums.

@1apenny2apenny piss off with your "us." We're not all tight right-wingers.

23 is not a child ffs. Op please ignore these messed-up people.

This is not a properly functioning relationship.

Yes you were both irresponsible. You were both aware, theoretically, of what might happen if you had unprotected sex, but neither of you considered what your or the other’s reaction would be if that did happen.

It reads to me as if you actively wanted another baby, and he was taking a risk. If you didn’t want a baby and were not on the pill you would have insisted on condoms or refused to have full sex. A decent man would have used condoms if he didn’t want a baby. But this unpleasant specimen seems to think that unwanted pregnancies are easily terminated and it’s the woman’s responsibility to think about that anyway.

The obvious conclusion for me is that the relationship cannot continue. What you do about the pregnancy is up to you: two small children and no partner is a somewhat dispiriting outlook, but if you can do it, go for it and enjoy your little family. Don’t rely on your ex partner for any support, though.

And I feel strongly that children wanted by their mother deserve to live. Fathers historically have been neither here nor there. Great if they are but not a given.

Parents are imperfect and sometimes abusive. People divorce. They adopt, they foster, they have stepchildren. I don't see why biological parental intentions override someone else's whole future.

Oops sorry I meant young mums not first-time mums!

OP, ignore the nasty comments. You asked a specific question. If you feel you couldn't cope with a termination and want the baby, then do what feels right for you. If your partner cannot handle it, he can leave. Hopefully you can work out a co-parenting arrangement that works for you.

So if a woman was having repeated unprotected sex and then predictably got pregnant and said “but I wasn’t planning for a baby”, you’d think that was a valid thing to say, would you?

Of course you were also irresponsible! You knew he didn't want another baby but ignored that and what? Hoped he'd change his mind? I'm sure you'll be happy with your 2 kids but regardless the relationship is going to be impacted which isn't good for either of your kids and you've got a second child that he didn't want, which will probably impact on them as they get older. The ending of the relationship is likely to impact all 3 of you financially and in quality of living. So you're having another child you can't actually provide for. So of course you've also been irresponsible. Children should be planned properly with both parents wanting them and ready to provide for them.

Ffs this has me completely livid! You are not trapping him he trapped his bloody self when he willingly (and that’s what it is when you’re having voluntary unprotected sex in a fertile relationship) made the baby in the first place. No one made him, no one poked holes in condoms, lied about contraception…etc no one has trapped him in the slightest here he’s just been incredibly irresponsible with his genitals and doesn’t want to face the consequences of that now.

He sounds like a slimy toe rag tbh and I worry you’ll be painted out as being at fault regardless of what you do.

Ignore those saying you’ve been irresponsible…etc as it sounds like you wanted this and that’s fine, who the hell can tell you whether to want kids young or not. Ultimately you and your ‘partner’ were having very willing unprotected sex and it’s has resulted in a pregnancy that you seem to want. Fine, that’s fine. Your partner now saying he doesn’t want it is in no way your fault and not something you’re responsible for. The only reason people pile on blaming you (in my opinion) is your age, if you were in your 30’s and this had happened all the blame would be directed straight at your partner not you!

FFS. This is why the human race is screwed. Unbelievable

I'm not judging OP's relationship. I'm saying some of the posters on here don't seem to have any experience or understanding of setting yourself up in life before oh, say, 35 or something. It's normal in many parts of society and those early commitments may work out or fail, as later ones do, but their earliness isn't some big shocking red flag.

You must have led a very sheltered life. However, there are often posts like this on Mumsnet so your fake incredulity is ridiculous.

Loads of people have unplanned pregnancies and manage to give the child a loving upbringing.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon do you live under a rock?

Children can leave school on the last Friday in June of the school year in which they reach 16 years of age.
They must however do one of the following until they are 18:

• stay in full-time education, e.g. at a college
• start an apprenticeship or traineeship
• work or volunteer (for 20 hours or more a week) while in part-time education or training

hth. You want to call her a liar, get your own facts straight.

I read that you’re closing this post but just in case you’re still reading.. I personally feel you should keep the baby. I do not like the concept of abortion but I fully believe it is the mother’s choice and I understand that some people may feel there is no other choice. That said, I feel you will spend the rest of your life hating yourself for caving into somebody else’s wishes. Also, if he’s already acting in this manner when he is fully 50% responsible for creating this life, what’s to stop him using abortion as a thing to attack you on at a later date. Also, I would personally always be worrying that if I chose to end a life what if I could not conceive at a later date when I really wanted to. I would feel like karma would come to get me.
additionally, speaking as somebody who struggled to conceive (7 years), I’m sorry to say it does come across as insensitive to use phrases such as ‘get rid’ when there may be other people who would kill to be in your shoes

I don't think the OP said anywhere that she knew he didn't want a baby? He knew she was not on birth control. He decided he doesn't want a baby after finding out she's pregnant.

Him saying you've trapped him is ridiculous. You already have a child together. Another, child isn't going to make him anymore trapped than the first one did.

It's your body and your choice. You do what you're comfortable with. Ultimately, you'll have to deal with the consequences.

If you continue the pregnancy you'll be a single parent to two small children that are very close in age. You'll be the primary parent and solely responsible for the children and everything that physically and emotionally entails..

If you end the pregnancy you'll be a single parent to one. You'll have to deal with the medical intervention for the termination. Then the physical, emotional and phycological impact of that.

I don't know how you feel about your "partner" but I'd be ending the relationship. His behaviour isn't very caring, supportive or loving. He's telling you to terminate and blaming you for the pregnancy. He's not taking any responsibility or demonstrating any care for your wellbeing.