Unplanned pregnancy

[Annonnn24]

Just found out today that I’m pregnant. Super early days, like 4+1

We have a 10 month old together and my DH has 3 teen/adult children from a previous marriage. Our 10 month old DC was planned. Took several years to conceive.

We weren’t careful. Sleep deprivation and poor planning basically. My cycle has been all over the place due to breastfeeding too. DH is adamant I should have an abortion as he doesn’t want any more children and thinks we can’t financially afford to. I also had a high risk pregnancy and bled out at home. He still understandably has trauma from witnessing the haemorrhage, thinking he was watching me bleed to death.

He’s also worried about pissing off one of his other children, who takes offence to a lot of things. We’ve had to not do things like holidays or paint our house a certain colour because she won’t like it. She’s just started talking to him again after we moved house because she wanted us to stay in the old one as she liked it more. His first concern was that another new baby would cause her to stop speaking to him again.

I fell pregnant before our DC after we both decided we wanted a baby, then DH decided he didn’t want it and pushed me to terminate. It nearly broke us and I was set to leave (we weren’t married/engaged at that point) He eventually changed his mind and then it ended in a MC. So he does have priors at jumping straight to terminating. I found out recently he had a termination with his ex wife too 16yrs ago.

I’m not sure what I want to do, but I’m being rushed to decide immediately with emphasis on the correct decision being a termination. I keep swinging back and forth. I feel like I could cope with a termination, but then I feel overwhelming sense of guilt and I’m not 100%. Either way, it’s me who has to physically go through it, but I understand and appreciate his feelings and reasoning with this.

I’m just not sure what to do. I’m so emotional and overwhelmed. If I terminate, I might not be doing it for reasons that are right for me. I’d probably end up resenting him and it destroying our marriage. If I keep the baby, he’ll resent me and I’m forcing him to have a child he doesn’t want.

Has anyone been through something similar? Not sure if I’m looking for advice or just a sounding board

I just wanted to say OP you are an absolute inspiration, your strength and courage in a very difficult situation is admirable, very few people would have the same clarity and resolve with the manipulation from their loved one you are experiencing. You deserve every happiness, it won't be from your 'D'H, but you are going to have an awesome life with your two little ones.

I'm so happy that the counselling was helpful for you and you feel confident and resolute in your decision.

I'm sorry you're again living with his nonsense and abuse. He's only playing nicely when he thinks you're doing what he wants and he feels in control of the situation. The stonewall is very manipulative and abusive. I guess his life is over and not worth living again and he's back to wanting a divorce.

Personally, I think you need to take control of your relationship moving forward. Id file for divorce and move to where you mum and friends live. You'll need the support with two little ones. He can try and stop you but I don't think a court would stop you moving an hour away. I'd just do it, get situated and let him fight it out. I think it will be easy to prove why moving is in the nest interests of the children.

He can't make you leave. It's a joint tenancy and you have equal rights to the property. You are also liable for the rent if he doesn't pay it. Do you know when the tenancy ends or if there's a break clause so you can give notice to quit?

His children choose not to see him because he is emotionally a fuck-up, and I wouldn’t permit any narrative which lets him off the hook there.

He’s an absolute drama llama that deserves nothing beyond your contempt.

Won’t wear a condom.
Won’t get a vasectomy.
Sulks to get the women to abort.

He should do the world a favor and put that in his dating profile to see how unattractive it is.

He’s just a cunt OP, and I wouldn’t give him the time of day. Much less a hour in therapy. After this you will never want to be intimate with him again.

I’m not sure to be honest. He pays 100% of the rent, so he can afford it and likes living here. We’d planned for me to return to work and go back to paying 50/50 like we’ve always done, which was why I was a named tenant, as if I was going to be paying rent, I wanted some legal protection.

Even when we owned the house, I opted for tenants in common despite equal shares, I guess I’ve always known he’s a prick and wanted to protect myself.

He’s still sat crying in the spare room, refusing to be around me as “there’s nothing left to say” An hour before I told him I was keeping the baby, he wanted to run errands for me and was telling me how amazing I am 🙄

I feel like he’s going to go for 50/50 custody of DC, due to what’s happened with his other kids. His parents are wealthy, so can pay for good solicitors. I hope it doesn’t get that messy. He can’t even do one night shift with DC. Actually, he can barely cope with a few hours without blowing my phone up with messages. I’ve screenshot and saved all of those. Along with the arguments we’ve had about his recreational drug use. Yesterday, I found an empty bag of cocaine & what looks like an ecstasy/mdma tablet from that weekend away he went on. He said he didn’t do drugs anymore other than weed. Someone like that surely can’t get shared custody!

My 30’s have been never ending trauma with this man. I have always been the one to sacrifice and compromise. It’s always been me who gets hurt. I ended up having anxiety attacks a few years ago because of his behaviour and he had the audacity to say “your anxiety was really hard for me, it stressed me out” He’s not even a narcissist. He’s just a manchild who has never been held accountable or been learned to self regulate. No doubt his mother will reassure him that I’m a bitch who’s trying to control him. Like every partner he’s ever had.

Sorry, gone off on a rant again 😅

Well done OP for doing what's right for you and you only. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Fuck him. Nasty little bastard. Let him cry. He's a manipulative little prick. Just ignore him and leave him to wollow in self pity. Don't protect him. I'd be telling everyone who asks exactly ehey the marriage has ended. Don't let him set the narrative and paint you as the next Cray

Realistically, is he really going to want 50:50. They all say they want 50:50 but they don't want to do the work involved. He's a man child that can't even put a Jonny on is he really going to want to parent half the time?

If he asks for 50:50 I'd smile and say great that's great it will give me an opportunity to work, date and socialise. Then let that sink in.

Also, if it does go to court insist on drug testing.

OP, I'm so glad that you went for the therapy and it helped you reach your decision.
I think once you're able to open up to your mum, and it's all out in the open, that too will be a huge relief. I have no doubt that you'll find a way to move through this and have a happier life for you and your kids. You've been absolutely amazing and you really deserve to be happy.

You’re so strong @Annonnn24 ♥️ I hope your mum is a great support to you this week.

Thanks for the support as ever everyone :)

A very strange turn of events happened last night. He came to me in tears. He wants to keep the baby!

He went to see his mum and in an even stranger turn of events, she ripped him a new one and actually defended me! Though I think it’s more to do with a brand new shiny grandchild she can get grabby with, more so than for me. She talked some sense into him. I don’t know the full extent of what was said, but he was quiet and reflective for hours after he got back. Then over dinner, he asked to talk and said he wants the baby and he was scared.

Ive still not had an apology, just another pity party in all honesty. I get he was scared, I was too. But we were supposed to be a team. I admit, I lost my temper with him and he still didn’t get why I was so pissed off.

As it stands, nothing changes for me right now. I still feel the same way about separating. I’ve been through months of hell.

I would play along whilst he's being nice but do keep working on your exit plan. I hope this is a permanent change in him and that he's ready to parent with you whether that is together or apart

I agree with @Superscientist I'd play along as well for now. It will give you time to get your ducks in a row. However, in my eyes the relationship is dead. This "man" is abusive, manipulative, self centred and untrustworthy. You can't rely on him or trust him.

You don't know where his new revelation has come from. You can't trust him or his mother. She may well have ripped him a new one. She might not want to only see her grandchild every weekend or every other weekend. But, she might also have told him to play nicely. The more settled your eldest is ( if he's in a nursery, regularly sees his grandparents ect) the more he can argue that not in his best interests to move.

Personally, I think a "partner" that you can't trust, rely on, isn't supportive and doesn't have your best interests at heart isnt a "partner" at all but a noose around your neck.

I know it's not easy to walk away especially when you have small children. Generally, I dont think making big decisions when you are pregnant or have children under 1 is a good idea. However, I think his behaviour ( the stonewalling, crying, threats of divorce, lack of care and support) is unforgivable.

She barely sees DC as she can’t be bothered to make the effort to come and see him. Ones of those who complains that she doesn’t get to see her Grandkids, but makes no attempt to, expecting us to always be the ones to travel. And then it’s only on a weekend day at her house, which isn’t baby proofed or going out for an expensive meal. My husband travels all week for work, so the last thing he wants to do is yet more travelling.

I don’t trust the pair of them. She’s been a bitch to me, she definitely doesn’t have my best interests at heart. This will somehow be about her and her needs/wants/feelings. The woman still holds a grudge that I didn’t change my c-section date to a day where she could be there. The c-section that was scheduled to save my life.

I don’t like how he needed to get permission to keep the baby. It’s weird and pathetic.

If he hadn’t been such a prick, all of this could have been avoided. He was entitled to his feelings and being scared, but how he treated me, manipulated me, stonewalled me etc isn’t husband material. I forgave once, I’m not doing it again.

It's really sad when a relationship/ marriage ends, especially one with small children. It hurts even when you initiate it. I think it's something to do with the idea / vision that you had in your head of what your marriage would look like rather than the reality of it.

Do talk to your midwife team about what's been going on at home. You might need a bit of extra support. Dealing with all his nonsense and manipulation must have been very emotionally draining. That plus having a baby, ending a marriage, moving ect are all very big things. It might be worth considering therapy to talk it through before the new baby comes.

I'll be routing for you and thinking of you.

Oh my goodness, what a headfuck.

I'm so sorry. It's so awful for you, the way it just always ends up being about him.

@Annonnn24 how's your week going? Have things settled down at home since the, mummy approved, rethink? Anyway, I'm thinking of you and hoping things have improved.