Unplanned pregnancy

[Annonnn24]

Just found out today that I’m pregnant. Super early days, like 4+1

We have a 10 month old together and my DH has 3 teen/adult children from a previous marriage. Our 10 month old DC was planned. Took several years to conceive.

We weren’t careful. Sleep deprivation and poor planning basically. My cycle has been all over the place due to breastfeeding too. DH is adamant I should have an abortion as he doesn’t want any more children and thinks we can’t financially afford to. I also had a high risk pregnancy and bled out at home. He still understandably has trauma from witnessing the haemorrhage, thinking he was watching me bleed to death.

He’s also worried about pissing off one of his other children, who takes offence to a lot of things. We’ve had to not do things like holidays or paint our house a certain colour because she won’t like it. She’s just started talking to him again after we moved house because she wanted us to stay in the old one as she liked it more. His first concern was that another new baby would cause her to stop speaking to him again.

I fell pregnant before our DC after we both decided we wanted a baby, then DH decided he didn’t want it and pushed me to terminate. It nearly broke us and I was set to leave (we weren’t married/engaged at that point) He eventually changed his mind and then it ended in a MC. So he does have priors at jumping straight to terminating. I found out recently he had a termination with his ex wife too 16yrs ago.

I’m not sure what I want to do, but I’m being rushed to decide immediately with emphasis on the correct decision being a termination. I keep swinging back and forth. I feel like I could cope with a termination, but then I feel overwhelming sense of guilt and I’m not 100%. Either way, it’s me who has to physically go through it, but I understand and appreciate his feelings and reasoning with this.

I’m just not sure what to do. I’m so emotional and overwhelmed. If I terminate, I might not be doing it for reasons that are right for me. I’d probably end up resenting him and it destroying our marriage. If I keep the baby, he’ll resent me and I’m forcing him to have a child he doesn’t want.

Has anyone been through something similar? Not sure if I’m looking for advice or just a sounding board

I'm happy to see you've made the decision which suits you best. You will always have your children.

If your intention is to separate, apply for universal credit now. First payment comes 5 weeks after application. Do you get child benefit? If not, apply for that too! You will get more UC once the 2nd baby comes. They also help with renting & childcare costs

Thank you x

We have separate accounts. We’ve always kept
finances split, so have never had anything joint. But I am on the tenancy agreement, but he pays the rent currently and I pay some of the bills, things for the baby and food shopping out of my savings.

We sleep in separate rooms anyway as he doesn’t do nights with our baby.

My hometown would definitely be the best bet. My family and best friends are there. Plus it’s cheaper to rent than where I am now

They’re mine in my account from my share of the house sale last year. We’ve never had a joint account and always been 50/50, but never mixed money. I used to earn quite well and he used to be the one scrabbling about at the end of the month due to paying a lot of child maintenance for 3 kids. I never wanted to have my hard earned money vanishing down that hole. As cold as it sounds.

It’s a joint tenancy we’re in atm

He definitely wants me to terminate and says I’ll be ruining his life if I have this baby. He said if he had know when we met I was going to change the goal posts and want two kids, he’d have ended it there and then. He’s also said if he thought for a moment I’d get pregnant, he’d have not come anywhere near me.

Wow, what a lovely guy.

So let me get this straight. This man:
Tried to make you have an abortion more than once
Guilt tripped you
Is avoidant, emotionally unavailable, physically removes himself
Made sure he was out of the house when you had a miscarriage so left you alone
Wouldn't have a vasectomy or use condoms
Doesn't do any nights with the baby

I can't understand why you would ever want to be with this man. Let alone have children with him.

This is so sad reading this. Yes, some reluctance on his part could be acceptable but pressurising you to abort your child isn't on. Plus only being regretful because he will look 'shit'.

I hope you are feeling ok with the pregnancy. It can't be fun going through all of this at the same time as growing a baby. Sounds like going to your mum's is a good move. Get some support with your child and let him sweat it out and think about having 5 lots of child maintenance to pay plus a divorce potentially. Look after yourself and congratulations. It sounds like you want this baby and you should enjoy it.

Yeah… you think you’ve found your knight in shining armour, but turns out he’s a loser in tin foil!

Everyone is flawed, but after he’s promised to do better, the first hurdle and he’s left the track.

Your partner sounds like a narcissist, all about him. It's winding me up just reading about him.

Please vent away OP, we are here for you.
I am so sorry that your husband has let you down so badly. He's really showing you who he is (I know you already had an inkling, but I don't blame you for feeling like, after recent events, the relationship is just irreparable.) He's throwing a spoilt toddler tantrum because he's not getting his own way, and it's pitiful. It is abuse, and I am so sorry you've been so badly treated.
I hope that you find someone to take the dog (would your mum soften her stance on the dog if she knew the full details of what you're going through? Especially if you explain you are escaping from a scenario where you are being coerced into having an abortion? I wonder if the urgency of the situation might make her more accommodating?) Either way, I hope that you get the space that you need from him. Please don't spiral- we are all here.

"Loser in foil" made me lol, OP!
Oh yes, been there!

My mum likes my dog, but really doesn’t like animals in her house. She’d stick the poor thing in the shed.

He’s not asked his mum to take her, I think because he’s avoiding her and doesn’t want her to know what’s going on. Don’t get me wrong, his mum isn’t my biggest fan since I’ve had a baby, she seemed to get baby rabies and turned highly critical of me for choosing to breastfeed rather than formula feeding like she told me to do. His whole family is a little nuts. At least divorcing him would mean I’d never have to go to one of their family gatherings again. His ex wife and 2 out of his 3 older children don’t speak to my husband or any of his family currently. I get why now! He painted his ex wife as a psycho. She is a little bit, but I wonder if he’s what drove her to that.

Things got so heated last night and all my words were getting twisted. It was so surreal. Like I’ve been through this with him before, but I forgot just how nasty he can get. He tries to make me look stupid and naive.

I have an ex mil who was also funny about breastfeeding and thought it was "odd to do it beyond the first fortnight." I am still on very good terms with my ex and get on better with the in-laws now we're not together. I am hooting at the description of family parties though- they sound very odd and toxic. And "ex wife is a psycho" is straight from the wanker's playlist. Bravo!

I do hope you find a dog solution and can get away. Being in his company isn't good for you (or your baby and the one you're currently growing.) You need some space. When does he leave for his weekend? He is not listening to you now, and it sounds like he has never listened to you, so it would be very surprising (and I'd be suspicious tbh) if he suddenly started listening to you and making the right noises.

Again I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but if you can get through this initial incredibly tough time, you will come out the other side so much happier and fulfilled.

@Annonnn24 I know you are worried about confiding in your friends for fear of judgement, but I am sure you have one or 2 that would just want to be there for you? Maybe one of them would be able to look after your dog for a little while? I couldn't leave my dog either so I know how that is.

It sounds like you're going to be much better off our of this marriage/extended family.

Ok ... so he wants to swan off on holiday, leaving you not only to go through an abortion he wants and you don't not just without support, but also while solely caring for your joint 10 month old, and swan back in after his holiday, refreshed, all his problems solved and to carry on? What planet is he fucking on? What if there was complications?

You can't get away from him soon enough OP. And I'd also tell his mum what he's done when you're gone.

Exactly that! My last pregnancy was fine, until it wasn’t. He was there when I lost a litre of blood on our bathroom floor in 7mins. If he hadn't been there, I’d have died. I wouldn’t have been able to make it back down the stairs to get my phone and call for help. I really don’t think he understands that a termination isn’t like a period for most women. When I had to medically terminate a missed miscarriage, I couldn’t physically walk afterwards. He wasn’t there. I had to crawl back to the bedroom after I passed it all. And now I’m expected to do that with a feral 10 month old, unable to take opiate painkillers because I’m still breastfeeding.

It’s the absolute last day today I can take those tablets. He’s unwilling to cancel his plans because “you can’t expect me to miss out on my mates birthday weekend because you took too long to get the pills”

Sorry, I’m completely ranting. I’ve just realised how bloody angry I am

Harness that anger! You deserve better!

Also, he can't expect you to do it alone because he has taken too long to get engage in contraception! .

I know I’m going to have to tell people at some point. I don’t know why I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I guess it’s because I’m here again with the same pathetic man. The friends I’d feel most comfortable confiding in, aren’t in the same area as me. We only moved to this town six months ago so I haven’t built as strong a relationships here or found a dog sitter.

Im just going to have to stay here for the weekend, but he’s not going to be here so I can get some breathing space. He can go and get high and get twatted like he does best with his mates, acting like he’s half his age. Me and DC won’t miss his stroppy presence.

You have the right to be angry OP. What a heartless piece of shit he is.

@Annonnn24 why don't you contact his mum. You could tell her something has come up and you need to go and be with your mum? Ask her to look after the dog for you.

I’d have to take the dog to her as she’d refuse to come over, even if there was a small chance she’d say yes to me. Husband will be taking the car when he goes and I don’t have my own atm. She’s not my biggest fan since I had a baby.

Have you got any other friends or family you could stay with who would be happy for the dog to come to? I know you said your mum wouldn’t be

@Annonnn24 how are you doing today ?

Thank you for checking in :) Not overly fantastic today. He’s decided to delay going away until tomorrow, so I’ve got to deal with his mood swings and sporadic self pity crying episodes. He’s still not once asked how I’m feeling, just remarks at how I’m not thinking anything through clearly and I’ve ruined our lives. I honestly can’t be arsed with it now. It’s all about him and how it impacts him. I’m obviously not overjoyed with a surprise pregnancy, it’s not what I planned for myself, the decision is like a millstone around my neck. I’m not asking him to do a celebratory dance, just support me and understand how I’m feeling, rather than blaming and shaming me.

Going to start job hunting over the weekend, speak to my mum and get a plan in place. Going to contact a solicitor for some advice too regarding divorce.

He is such a selfish, self centered, whining, man child. He's so busy trying to manipulate you. He doesn't have the capacity for anything else. I wouldn't mention divorce for now. I'd tell him that you need a break and your going to see your mum for two weeks. That will give you time and space to plan. You'll be able to see a solicitor, look for a job, accomodation ect.