Unplanned pregnancy

[Annonnn24]

Just found out today that I’m pregnant. Super early days, like 4+1

We have a 10 month old together and my DH has 3 teen/adult children from a previous marriage. Our 10 month old DC was planned. Took several years to conceive.

We weren’t careful. Sleep deprivation and poor planning basically. My cycle has been all over the place due to breastfeeding too. DH is adamant I should have an abortion as he doesn’t want any more children and thinks we can’t financially afford to. I also had a high risk pregnancy and bled out at home. He still understandably has trauma from witnessing the haemorrhage, thinking he was watching me bleed to death.

He’s also worried about pissing off one of his other children, who takes offence to a lot of things. We’ve had to not do things like holidays or paint our house a certain colour because she won’t like it. She’s just started talking to him again after we moved house because she wanted us to stay in the old one as she liked it more. His first concern was that another new baby would cause her to stop speaking to him again.

I fell pregnant before our DC after we both decided we wanted a baby, then DH decided he didn’t want it and pushed me to terminate. It nearly broke us and I was set to leave (we weren’t married/engaged at that point) He eventually changed his mind and then it ended in a MC. So he does have priors at jumping straight to terminating. I found out recently he had a termination with his ex wife too 16yrs ago.

I’m not sure what I want to do, but I’m being rushed to decide immediately with emphasis on the correct decision being a termination. I keep swinging back and forth. I feel like I could cope with a termination, but then I feel overwhelming sense of guilt and I’m not 100%. Either way, it’s me who has to physically go through it, but I understand and appreciate his feelings and reasoning with this.

I’m just not sure what to do. I’m so emotional and overwhelmed. If I terminate, I might not be doing it for reasons that are right for me. I’d probably end up resenting him and it destroying our marriage. If I keep the baby, he’ll resent me and I’m forcing him to have a child he doesn’t want.

Has anyone been through something similar? Not sure if I’m looking for advice or just a sounding board

Your DH is an arse for refusing a vasectomy and condoms. However, that's done now and it needs to be about what you want to do. Ignore the hormones for a min, because they will always convince you to protect your baby - you're biologically wired that way. But when the hormones crash and it's just you with your kids living with your mum and trying to kick start a career after a long time - how will you feel then. No doubt you will cope and raise your kids well but will you be happy? Will you be living a life of your own choice or a life that was forced upon you because of no birth control? It's hard to separate hormones from practicality and abstract concepts like future fulfilment and happiness.

As for guilt - you shouldn't feel guilty over putting your happiness over that of an unborn child. You've been a SAHM for some time so it can feel being mum is your only purpose and role. Having a career again would change how you feel - so your guilt is situational, not inherent. But women are not encouraged to be rational or practical over babies, we are conditioned to follow hormones. It's not always in our best interests.

Take your DC and go home to your mum for a few weeks. Consider your options, think about what 3,5,10,20,40 years will look like in either scenario. Then make a decision away from DH. He might relent and accept the baby if he you go away but you should still consider if that will make you happy long term - both staying with him and having a baby with him. He could still leave you any time so you need to mentally prepare life as a single mum in this scenario too.

Oh don't let your mum manipulate you into keeping the baby eithe. Her way of raising you is likely why you didn't feel able to be more forceful with DH on condoms. So maybe go away alone without mum or DH guilting you

Thanks all.

Small update and I appreciate all of your opinions and advice, I’ve not been able to talk to anybody about this. Mixture of embarrassment, avoiding friends/families ideas of what I should do etc.

I had a private scan and it’s a healthy pregnancy and I’m a little further on than I thought. I ovulated very early for me, something that’s never happened before. My cycles are clockwork. Foetus is well away from the c-section scar and has implanted high, rather than by my cervix like the last pregnancy.

I’ve booked an appointment with my midwife and the abortion clinic. I feel that when it comes to it, I know which one will be the right decision. Or is that insane?

Not at all. Just keep talking even if it's not with family and friends. Any friendly listening ear.

How is your partner behaving? Did he have any reaction to it being a healthy pregnancy?

He had no reaction at all. Just stone faced throughout. He asked me if I wanted a hug afterwards, but I declined. I just didn’t want him to touch me for some reason.

He’s asked me if we can talk this evening once DC is in bed and got emotional when I said the termination tablets will be arriving in the post this week. I think his sadness is because he can see that I’m upset or because I’m being distant from him. I’m not meaning to, I just need some space.

I left the scan picture in the envelope on the table when unpacking my bag last night. It’s been opened, so he’s clearly looked at it.

OP, do you think you would ever get over it if you had an abortion, or be able to have a good relationship with your DH after his pressurizing you? Has he no care for your feelings and what this means to you?
Thinking of you, seems an awful situation for you right now. 💐

I can't even all the emotions running through your head right now with the added pregnancy hormones on top! I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

I agree that you will probably know the right appointment to attend when it comes to it but, on a different note, do you think your relationship can ever recover from this? It seems one of you may be filled with resentment in the future no matter which decision you take....

If the pills got lost in the post how would you feel?

I agree with @sel2223 whatever you decide it might have an impact on the relationship.

I hope you can have good conversation later

How would you feel if your DH was happy and wanted to keep the baby?

So sorry that you are in this situation OP. I think whatever decision that you make it will impact on your relationship. If you have the baby then he'll resent that choice and if you abort then it sounds like you'll regret that choice and resent him. Do whatever feels right for you. Take care xx

What a difficult decision to have to make, OP.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult position, OP. You do right to take your time and on consider all options and outcomes. I hope the conversation goes well and you get some clarity.

No conversation happened. He watched football and then we went to bed. I just don’t have the emotional energy to initiate a conversation at the moment.

He’s so avoidant it’s ridiculous. I get he has past issues and his whole family cope with trauma by just ignoring things. I also think he’s emotionally underdeveloped sometimes. He was shipped off to boarding school as a pre-teen when his mum remarried and although they all think that was the best thing ever, that’s got to have done some damage.

If he does decide he wants this baby, I still don’t know how I feel. The thought of going through pregnancy again and the newborn phase is terrifying. I was going to get back to work, the gym and hobbies etc. But I look at my gorgeous DC who is currently attacking my feet and wonder how I’m supposed to just terminate and be ok. It’s a potential little sibling.

I just wish my husband could be more supportive and not just make this about how he feels and what he wants. It’s like he lacks the ability to see things from someone else’s experience. Almost a lack of empathy

@Annonnn24 can you leave and get some space? I think some distance would really help you. You really need to focus on what you want.

Ultimately, whatever you do will impact you not him. You'll either continue the pregnancy and deal with pregnancy, labour and (most likely) the brunt of the parenting or becoming a lone parent. If you have a termination you'll have to go through the process of ending the pregnancy and the physical, emotional and psychological impact of that.

I don't think he has enough empathy or care to feel much about the impact on you. Do you think your relationship will survive his callous treatment of you? I don't think I could look at him again in the same light.

I know having 2 under 2 is a bit overwhelming. I have a 4 & 5 year old. The early years are hard but even though time seems to go slow it also goes fast. I have both kids in school one year apart and they are best, mostly, of friends. It's hard but not insurmountable.

We’ve just talked and it was a lot more productive. He showed a lot more empathy and compassion this time. I explained how I was still unsure and he said he wished it was different, but he feels he has already completed his family.

He’s agreed to look into getting a vasectomy and I’ve encouraged him to go out for the evening so I can have some space. Ordered myself some food and I’m going to watch something on TV - once I get it back off DC who’s watching Ms Rachel 😫

The abortion tablets arrive tomorrow. I guess that’s D-Day

Once it's done it can't be undone so you need to be 100% sure before you take the tablets. Also just because they comes font mean you have to take them immediately. I think you have until your 10 weeks to take them.

Do not terminate your child for this man. Maybe your relationship will survive. Maybe it won't. However the only reason you should terminate a pregnancy is if you want to. It doesn't really sound like you want to to be honest.

Pro choice means it is your choice and no one elses. Take him completely out of the equation.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

It's easy to be avoidant when you're the man, whose body is unaffected by any of this.

I would urge you to book some counselling for yourself as a matter of urgency before you make any decisions. You can still abort if that's what you want once you've had the chance to process this properly. What you can't do is go on to have the baby if you change your mind next week after some thought and help.

I've been in a similar situation to you, a long time ago, OP and it was very painful for me (even with counselling.) I couldn't have possibly got through it all without professional help to process my feelings.

As an aside, I think your dh sounds like a selfish and troubled man who is extremely fortunate to have such a patient and forgiving wife. I hope he realises how lucky he is and that whatever your decision, this galvanises some change from him. You cannot possibly be expected to live like this, in such a servient position to his needs and wants. He "wouldn't have come near you if he'd thought you could get pregnant". Oh please, I've heard it all now.
You deserve better than this, regardless of your decision on the pregnancy. Sending you much love and handholding for the coming days and weeks.

One thing you can do OP is ask him to have a vasectomy at the same time as you consider the termination. If he says no, then I would tell him No.

Expecting you to repeatedly fix the problem is not on.

You're not forcing him to have a child he doesn't want unless you poked holes in his condom. Do what you want to do. He should understand. Termination is a choice, not an obligation.

Your relationship can be repaired if you do decide to keep your baby, but the effects of a termination may never leave you. I wish you all the best whatever you choose, you have a difficult decision to make.

I am very very strongly pro-choice.

But honey you aren't choosing this, you're feeling forced into it. It took therapy, years and a baby to forgive him last time. You won't this time. If you take the tablets your relationship is done. Maybe not immediately, but it will. Does he know that? Have you spelt out to him taking those pills, against your will, it will likely be the end of your marriage? He may feel like his family is complete but you'll be leaving it.

Likelihood is he'll come round. He made the baby. He can get a vasectomy to prevent a third but he needs to live with the consequences of his actions. Worst comes worst your marriage will be over. But it will be over if you terminate anyway. Only difference is the number of children and trauma you have when it happens.

Would you rather be single, one child, with any potential regret or guilt over termination of your pregnancy? Or single with the 2 kids?

Would you rather be single, one child, with any potential regret or guilt over termination of your pregnancy? Or single with the 2 kids?

Agree with this

He is emotionally blackmailing you into this termination - choose your babies - both your one at your feet and the one in your uterus before you choose this man.

Just an update. I’ve decided to keep my baby. He tried getting his friend who’d had an abortion previously to speak to me as “she knows it’s hard, but it was for the best”

He can lump it or leave. I’m not being forced into anything. He’s still not made any enquiries into getting a vasectomy either, so would expect me to terminate, recover and then crack on and end up in the same situation again.

Honestly, I don’t care about his older children’s opinions on this. It’s not about them. That’s his problem to handle, not mine. Sounds harsh, but I’m not going to abort based on some bratty teens opinion who don’t bother with their Dad anyway

You are stronger than you could ever imagine. I am glad you have been able to come to a decision that's right for you.
Be proud of yourself and I wish you the best in your pregnancy