Unplanned pregnancy

[Annonnn24]

Just found out today that I’m pregnant. Super early days, like 4+1

We have a 10 month old together and my DH has 3 teen/adult children from a previous marriage. Our 10 month old DC was planned. Took several years to conceive.

We weren’t careful. Sleep deprivation and poor planning basically. My cycle has been all over the place due to breastfeeding too. DH is adamant I should have an abortion as he doesn’t want any more children and thinks we can’t financially afford to. I also had a high risk pregnancy and bled out at home. He still understandably has trauma from witnessing the haemorrhage, thinking he was watching me bleed to death.

He’s also worried about pissing off one of his other children, who takes offence to a lot of things. We’ve had to not do things like holidays or paint our house a certain colour because she won’t like it. She’s just started talking to him again after we moved house because she wanted us to stay in the old one as she liked it more. His first concern was that another new baby would cause her to stop speaking to him again.

I fell pregnant before our DC after we both decided we wanted a baby, then DH decided he didn’t want it and pushed me to terminate. It nearly broke us and I was set to leave (we weren’t married/engaged at that point) He eventually changed his mind and then it ended in a MC. So he does have priors at jumping straight to terminating. I found out recently he had a termination with his ex wife too 16yrs ago.

I’m not sure what I want to do, but I’m being rushed to decide immediately with emphasis on the correct decision being a termination. I keep swinging back and forth. I feel like I could cope with a termination, but then I feel overwhelming sense of guilt and I’m not 100%. Either way, it’s me who has to physically go through it, but I understand and appreciate his feelings and reasoning with this.

I’m just not sure what to do. I’m so emotional and overwhelmed. If I terminate, I might not be doing it for reasons that are right for me. I’d probably end up resenting him and it destroying our marriage. If I keep the baby, he’ll resent me and I’m forcing him to have a child he doesn’t want.

Has anyone been through something similar? Not sure if I’m looking for advice or just a sounding board

Sorry you feeling bad. Hopefully, this time next year things will be totally different and you'll be happier. At least you won't have to see this loser on a daily basis.

He’s just said he wants a divorce if I’m keeping it as I’ve ruined his life and I should be proud of myself for forcing two children to be brought up in separate homes. He said he’d be willing to work through it with me if I get a termination. That’s the nail in the coffin for me. There’s no going back.

I don't know you but I honestly feel so proud of you for standing your ground and doing what's right for you. You sound worth a thousand of this man. Well done. Here's to a better future for you and your children x

I just don’t understand how he can end up hating me so much for something that I didn’t plan and wasn’t just my fault. I don’t understand how it can get so hostile. I’m his wife, not a one night stand.

He's still trying to manipulate you. He is playing hardball now.

Terminate and we stay together as a family.

Keep the baby and I'll divorce you. Then your causing the breakdown of the marriage and separation of the family.

He's not taking any responsibility at all for your pregnancy or for future prevention. He's not taking responsibility for being a prize dick and causing the end of your marriage.

He just wants you to get rid, preferably while he doesn't have to see the aftermath, and STFU about it.

This man doesn't care about you. This isn't the behaviour or a loving, supportive partner. He wants control.

I think he'll regret it in the future. Unfortunately, I don't think it will be because he loves you but because this all really makes him look bad. I'm sure he'll beg you back but only so the relationship ending can be your fault instead of his.

Your marriage is over regardless.

I can't believe he can't even take responsibility for how own actions. He knows how baby's are made obviously since he has kids. It's not just your job to ensure contraception it's his too. Especially if he felt so strongly about absolutely not having another child. Trying to force a woman to terminate her pregnancy is absolutely disgusting. Well done OP for sticking to your guns.

His ex had a termination. He already tried to push @Annonnn24 to have a termination previously but the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. He seems to think a termination is easy or a form of contraception. I guess everything is easy when it's not you having to go through it and deal with the aftermath.

I just can’t wait for him to leave tomorrow. He’s off somewhere crying again how I’ve ruined everything and he’s fucked his life up and will never be able to do his bucket list, because he’s always going to be raising children. He’s been a part-time 1-2 days a week Dad to his older kids for most of their lives. He’s had a lot more freedom than most Dads! I can’t deal with the self pity and moping around. I prefer it when he’s shouting at me. I have zero fucking empathy left for him now

He has ruined everything with his selfish attitude more like. I agree he will regret this in the future.

He’s also said if he thought for a moment I’d get pregnant, he’d have not come anywhere near me.

If he knew you weren't on any contraception then he's a idiot for even thinking that.

He seems to like pushing women into terminations by the sounds of it. Perhaps he can push himself to get the snip.

He thinks he's so wonderful that the worst thing he could do to you is leave you not realising it could be the best thing to happen to you.
He's giving you a choice between a selfish baby and an actual baby!
He's showing his true colours. Play along to a degree but start making your new plans. Controlling people are happy when they think you are in their control. When they think they have lost control they can become reckless and unpredictable so don't let on that you are on the way out the door

It is his loss if he loses his family over this. Having 2 rather than just one in this marriage won't be that much different anyway and he has lots of experience. We had twins 10 years after our 3rd child so spread it out over a period and it has brought lots of advantages and wonderful times.

You should probably talk to a solicitor at this point. It sounds like you are married and have a 10 month old. Just find out your legal rights but no need to discuss all that with the husband for now. Make sure you know everything about his finances before he leaves if he DOES leave. Pay the Land Registry £3 to get the title of where you live if you and he own a property.

I don't think he should worry about the reaction of his older children. Teenagers don't always want more children but come round and later will adore the new baby as well as the 10 month year old you have. I went back to work full time very quickly even when we had 3 under 4 and that certainly made everything so much better - equality in the relationship, earning more than my husband etc. Money is at the heart of a lot of issues over children.

Good. He can drown in his sorrows. Should've got the ship and stopped pussyfooting around about the pain if he didn't want to be raising kids 'forever'. Trying to guilt trip you into termination. His wife who every much wants to keep the pregnancy? Absolutely vile. If you did terminate the marriage would probably end anyway because you've been forced to do such a thing that you didn't want to, does he not realise that? Is he just scared of the child maintenance cost? Ah well, that's what condoms are for, he should try one!

It’s definitely about him feeling out of control, which I understand and also finances. The latter, I’m going to go back to work. Granted, not back into my old sector so won’t be earning what I did before, but enough to take the financial pressure off. Another baby isn’t going to stop him living his dreams! Having three kids previously didn’t stop him living his life! He went on plenty of holidays and to many nights out and events.

Thankfully we sold our house and renting currently. We split the proceeds too, so I’ve got my share of the house sale. Separate bank accounts too. The only joint thing is the tenancy agreement for our rented house. It was my choice to not share bank accounts and savings.

As he’s had battles with his ex over child maintenance payments, I know what he earns and what he’d have to pay out. I’ve offered him the opportunity to relinquish parental responsibility. I’d rather struggle then have him hold money over my head.

He’s now going down the whole “I’ve made so many bad choices as an adult, I’ve fucked my life” route. I’ll see if I can borrow my neighbours violin for him to really set the tone 🙄

@Annonnn24 has the arsehole left the building?

He has indeed! We’re just enjoying the peace and no stroppy manchild. Bliss!

Itsnt it amazing. He's tears dried up and his life isn't so ruined that he couldn't manage going out on the lash. Although, l am pleased for you. At least you'll get a break from his nonsense and manipulation.

"Annonnn24 * that is helpful on the finances - joint house sold, separate accounts etc. If he spends his half however and you save yours and then you divorce if you are in England (not Scotland) then there is a risk he would have some of your half if you get to the point of divorce as finances are decided at point of divorce, not point of split so just be aware of that. It may not come to that - he might come round. I don't think children ruin people's lives. He is lucky that he will soon have 5 . I have 5 and it is a lovely number, expensive but lovely.

Exactly that! The pictures I’ve seen him tagged him, he’s clearly struggling…not! He’s grinning away like he’s not spent the past few days telling his wife to abort or get a divorce. The whole “I don’t get to live my life” trope! He clearly is and always has been. He asked me what the story should be about me not going. I said to tell the truth if there’s absolutely nothing wrong with how you’re acting about the situation right now. He’s told everyone bar his closest friends that I’m unwell. If anyone messages me, I’m going to be honest.

Good for you, OP. No need to protect him or keep his secrets. You sounds like a very strong women, and a good role model for your children.

@Annonnn24 how are things with you?

Thank you for checking in :)

I’m not great, but I’ll be ok. I’ve decided on a termination. Not for him, I couldn’t give a flying fuck what he wants anymore. I just physically can’t go through pregnancy again right now. I’ve started to get a lot of pain, which is impacting my ability to take care of DC. The morning sickness is crippling still, I can’t really eat much or keep much fluids in. And it’s the thought of being linked to that prick even more than I am. I can’t subject another child to that. I need to be able to work and support myself and DC as a single mother and I can’t do that with a newborn. After going through the booking appointment, I’ve been categorised as high risk again too and there are concerns about my cervical length. My Hb levels still haven’t recovered and they’re not sure how well my scar has healed, so want to do further investigations. I can’t put my health at risk when I have DC to think about. If anything happened to me, he’d be left with his Dad and his horrible mother. Though I know my mother would fight like there’s no tomorrow, but his family have treble the financial resources mine do.

I’m devastated in all honesty and I know it’s going to take a long time to forgive myself for this, if I ever do.

I’ve got all my documentation in check, photocopied and ordered duplicates of marriage certificates and DC’s birth certificate. I’ve decided I won’t be staying in the area and will be moving back to my hometown. He will try and block this, but I’m waiting on an appointment with a solicitor before I tell him I want out.

I can’t ever forgive him for putting me in this situation and treating me the way he has done. Again! He’s not changed or grown as a person. He’s just as selfish as he’s always been, just got better at hiding it. It’s just made me think of everything over the years, even how he allowed his mother to treat me postpartum. He’s a narcissist and I’m done.

It is entirely your choice. Do not let anyone decide for you.

The only thing I would say is if you are 39 and this is may be the last chance ever to have a second child and you always wanted two I would keep it but I am not you and you know what is best for you.

On the moving away he may get a prohibited steps order to prevent your taking the 10 month year old to another town

I'm so sorry @Annonnn24. It's such a terrible decision to have to make. Although, I totally understand your reasoning. I wouldn't want to be further tided to this arsehole either. How far away is home and your support network?