Unplanned pregnancy

[Annonnn24]

Just found out today that I’m pregnant. Super early days, like 4+1

We have a 10 month old together and my DH has 3 teen/adult children from a previous marriage. Our 10 month old DC was planned. Took several years to conceive.

We weren’t careful. Sleep deprivation and poor planning basically. My cycle has been all over the place due to breastfeeding too. DH is adamant I should have an abortion as he doesn’t want any more children and thinks we can’t financially afford to. I also had a high risk pregnancy and bled out at home. He still understandably has trauma from witnessing the haemorrhage, thinking he was watching me bleed to death.

He’s also worried about pissing off one of his other children, who takes offence to a lot of things. We’ve had to not do things like holidays or paint our house a certain colour because she won’t like it. She’s just started talking to him again after we moved house because she wanted us to stay in the old one as she liked it more. His first concern was that another new baby would cause her to stop speaking to him again.

I fell pregnant before our DC after we both decided we wanted a baby, then DH decided he didn’t want it and pushed me to terminate. It nearly broke us and I was set to leave (we weren’t married/engaged at that point) He eventually changed his mind and then it ended in a MC. So he does have priors at jumping straight to terminating. I found out recently he had a termination with his ex wife too 16yrs ago.

I’m not sure what I want to do, but I’m being rushed to decide immediately with emphasis on the correct decision being a termination. I keep swinging back and forth. I feel like I could cope with a termination, but then I feel overwhelming sense of guilt and I’m not 100%. Either way, it’s me who has to physically go through it, but I understand and appreciate his feelings and reasoning with this.

I’m just not sure what to do. I’m so emotional and overwhelmed. If I terminate, I might not be doing it for reasons that are right for me. I’d probably end up resenting him and it destroying our marriage. If I keep the baby, he’ll resent me and I’m forcing him to have a child he doesn’t want.

Has anyone been through something similar? Not sure if I’m looking for advice or just a sounding board

Id glad you made a decision that's right for you. I hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy. I'm sorry that H hasn't been and isn't being supportive. Random question, Have you disposed of the abortion medication? Id get rid of them.

That’s crossed my mind too. I’m going to drop them off at the pharmacy to dispose of later today.

I told him and I was honest that I don’t see a way through with either option. Aborting would be to please him and me deciding to keep the pregnancy isn’t what he wants. I said I don’t know how this marriage will work. I’ve said that I want to move in with my mum for a bit and take it from there. His first response was “everyone’s going to think I’m a dick” Nothing about how hard this has been for me or how our marriage is likely ending. It’s all about how he’s going to be perceived. Then he complained about how he felt sick and now he’s gone off to work.

God knows what’s going to happen later. He’s either going to get hostile or pretend nothing has happened.

"Everyone's going to think [he's] a dick" because he is a dick.

I'm glad you've made your own decision based on what feels right for you - I hope you have a healthy and happy pregnancy.

Definitely give a pharmacy the abortion medication for disposal and I wouldn't let it out of your sight until you hand it over to the pharmacist.

That actually sums up so much about this man, it's still all about how he feels. I think you're a star @Annonnn24 and you will find happiness with your children whether their dad is on board or not. Well done on standing up for what you want.

"Everyone's going to think [he's] a dick" because he is a dick. - couldn't agree more @Scirocco

He's a selfish person. He only cares about himself. The impact on him. How he will be perceived. He isn't going ven taking steps to prevent another pregnancy because that means him having to do something. His lack of care for you and your wellbeing is unforgivable. I reckon he will come around at some point but unfortunately after this behaviour I think it may well be too little to late.

I would absolutely dispose of the medication. I don't know why but that was my first thought reading your last post.

I'd also considered going to your mum's ASAP. I wouldn't want to see his face or put up with his erratic moods.

I think you’re right. He likely will come around, but I just feel too much damage has been done. When he left he said me wanting to end the marriage is thinking about it negatively and we can talk later. But I can’t get past how cold he’s been. He’s tried to be empathetic, but it’s only been around how I’d feel terminating. He was so confident I’d do what he wanted. The man in inherently selfish. I’ve always known that, but he has tried over the years to work on it, but he just can’t change. It’s not even a case of want, he just actually can’t.

I haven’t told my mum yet. She’s a bit of a religious nut in all honesty. I can’t deal with hearing about the ‘sanctity of marriage’ and pro-life BS atm. I might just go to a hotel for a couple of nights depending on how he is when get gets home. If he’s willing to have a calm conversation, then great. He’s also going away for a long weekend with his friends on Friday, so just a couple of days to ride it out

I got pregnant with my (unexpected but much wanted) 2nd when I was 10 months pp with my first. We were shocked as had needed ivf for baby number one! I also had a section for placenta previa with my first and my Obgyn wasn’t at all worried about any increased risks to me or the baby notwithstanding the small age gap. I had a really straightforward section with my second and found recovery much easier than with my first.

I only share the above in case your gut reaction is to terminate based on perceived risk to your health (I say perceived but obviously your own circumstances might be different to mine and mean that your medical team would say there is a larger risk to you if you continue with the pregnancy) - it is of course absolutely your right to choose what to do and a termination might be the right thing.

Sending you a big hug - my second is now 8 months old and I have no idea what I would do in your shoes if I found myself pregnant now, so I know it most be so so hard. X

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m really glad it all went ok :)

My reassurance scan showed implantation is well away from my cervix and c-section scar so it’s likely safe to continue the pregnancy x

Well if you look like a dick and sounds like a dick and act like a dick... You're probably just a dick!

A few days away sounds like a good idea and getting rid of the meds!

If he wants the marriage to work he needs to get serious about contraception and get a vasectomy. I could see you in a position 12-15 months down the road with a newborn, pregnant again and having the same conversations about terminations otherwise.
He needs to get his head out of his arse and start considering other people feelings.

Whether the marriage is the right thing or not I think you need some time and space away from him whilst you can decide.

My mum left my elder sisters father in the 1980s when there was a lot of stigma and did brilliantly much better than with her first husband. She met my dad and they have been married happily for over 35 years. My sister left her abusive husband when her daughter was 3 this was over a decade ago and every single day it has been better for both of them.

Not all marriages are equal. Kids need stability to thrive for some that is within a marriage, for others that is being separate and co-parenting, for others parenting completely on their own. Each family unit is different.

I'm glad you've reached a decision you're happy with. I hope your husband steps up and starts supporting you.

Thanks all. He messaged me earlier to say it’s a shit show and I’m not thinking of anyone else in our family, just myself. He’s making it seem like this is a teenage pregnancy! Yes financially it would be difficult, but far from impossible. I feel like I’m being blamed like it’s all my fault and I planned this to trap him or something. I’d say I don’t recognise the man in front of me, but he’s always been in there. Literally feel like I’m spiralling, just so upset.

@Annonnn24 do you have anyone you can speak to in person for support? His tactics are quite worryingly manipulative. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, it sounds so crap and so lonely. You really do deserve more than this from someone who supposedly loves you.

OP I am so sorry you are going through this and I'm sorry but his reaction, messages and attitudes are really cruel!

You mentioned going to your mums or a hotel for a few days, I think either would be a good option and I would turn off your phone as well as by the sounds of it he is still trying to change your decision.

I feel like I can’t talk to my friends/family about it as they’ll be there thinking they can’t believe I’m in the same situation with the same man again. He’s also already spoken to our mutual friends about it, so I feel I can’t talk to any of them about it.

He's trying to manipulate you to end the pregnancy. It's your body and your choice. He's the selfish one. He's trying to pressurise you to have a termination because he and his teenage daughter don't want another baby at home. However, he's done nothing to prevent this pregnancy or future pregnancies. Preventing pregnancy isn't his issue and neither are the consequences of termination. He's done nothing but pressure and manipulate you. He's has exhibited no care for you or your emotional or physical wellbeing. Frankly he's been a right royal wanker.

Ultimately, your relationship is done. He's treated you terribly and continues to treat you terribly. Even now knowing he's treated you so badly that your marriage is likely ending his main concern is only how badly he will be perceived by others. He's not thinking about your marriage ending and the impact on you, his child with you or the teenage daughter. It's all about him.

A classic gaslighting example right there - now it's YOU not thinking of anyone but YOURself, not other way round!
You are stronger than you realise OP and you deserve better.

Call his bluff. Say that you will not tolerate being guilted or forced into a decision about YOUR body just because he was to too selfish to get a vasectomy. If he can't support you and help raise this baby - he can leave. But you will not have this child or yourself subject to his negativity and manipulation anymore. He is the one who caused this problem by not taking responsibility for conception.

You will be fine without him. Life is too short and precious to be bullied by any man.

We argued, he reiterated that it’s going to financially ruin us and I’m doing exactly what his ex did. He stormed off and cried and is now avoiding me.

I said if I took the pills now, it would happen Friday likely when he’s due to go away for the weekend with his friends. He said he’s not going to miss out on his plans. So regardless, I’d be going through it all alone.

I need to make plans to leave asap. I just don’t know how. I don’t have a job, but I do have savings, but I’ll get through those pretty quickly. I don’t know where to begin.

I think he's weekend away is a good opportunity to get out.

Essentials

• important documents- birth certificates, passports, marriage certificate

• any medication
• toiletries
• anything precious or of value

Get an emergency bag sorted and then start planning where your mums? Friend?

Have you had your booking appointment yet? I think it's worth letting your midwife/GP know that you are being pressured and guilt tripped into terminating this pregnancy. Do you still have the pills? If you wanted to dispose of them at home you could put them in a bottle of any liquid and throw away the bottle to get rid of them in a way that can't be retrieved. Don't flush or put them down the drain.

@Annonnn24 I'm sorry that he's such a wanker. He just demonstrates it over and over again. Regardless of his holiday he wasn't going to be with you and support you through the termination. He doesn't care about you. He didn't support you during the miscarriage either. He doesn't have it in him. He just wants you to deal with it and STFU. He doesn't care about the impact on you.

Is the house owned or rented?

@Superscientist is right. Him going away is an excellent opportunity to get your ducks in a row.

Oh My God, he won't even cancel plans if you did go through this traumatic experience, says it all really.

Could you stay with your mum while you get back on your feet, I know it's not ideal but it will save you money and she can help with child care for your little one while you deal with this. You can get child maintenance from him for your DC so contact Citizens advice bureau, and also start on benefits. All this is just to tide you over till you can eventually find a job and start working yourself which will take time. Speak to a lawyer about your situation - do you have a joint account or access to any money not your savings you can use to support you? Or did he control what money you had to spend?

Alternative is to carry on living at home - he can't turf you out (is your name on the deeds/title or rental agreement?). It won't be pleasant but is your house big enough you can avoid each other for most of the time e.g a spare room you can sleep in. If he gets abusive then definitely leave for your mums or contact your midwife/police/Womens Aid. Don't keep secret about how he is forcing you to terminate, let your friends know.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Thankfully we’re renting. We sold our house last year to try out a new town. I got a good return on investment, so that’s the bulk of my savings.

I’m not in any danger from him. He’s just incredibly stroppy and lacks in any accountability. I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I’ve been going through this for weeks whilst he’s either pretended it’s not happening or expected me to just get on and deal with it.

I’ve got a spare cot at my mums, so that’s one less thing to take and makes it easier to go. I don’t think I can just leave this weekend though as we have a dog, which would not be welcome at my mums house (not an animal fan) I’ve asked my husband if his mum can take the dog this weekend so I don’t have to worry about walking her. Just waiting on him to respond. We’re communicating only via text atm. Whilst in the same house.

Im just in shock and hurt that it’s come to this. We’ve been married for like 5mins!

Thanks again for letting me vent and for the advice. I really do appreciate it

OP what an awful situation to be in. All I can say is well done for standing your ground and doing what YOU want not what he wants. After all he's not a child and knows the risk of unprotected sex. 'It didn't happen this quick before' isn't an excuse either which I assume he's using to try and validate why he's not in the wrong for not using a condom. Vasectomy will hurt he says.. you'd be hurting physically and mentally terminating your baby when you don't want to. What a selfish ass..it's not all about him! I'd honestly pack my bags and be gone before he returned home. There's no changing such a selfish individual. I'm glad you have the relevant support from family/friends. You are very brave. You've got this! X

Is it a joint tenancy? Where are the savings? Are they in a joint account? I'd be inclined to withdraw 1/2 of them or your share if they are in a joint account.