Unplanned pregnancy

[Annonnn24]

Just found out today that I’m pregnant. Super early days, like 4+1

We have a 10 month old together and my DH has 3 teen/adult children from a previous marriage. Our 10 month old DC was planned. Took several years to conceive.

We weren’t careful. Sleep deprivation and poor planning basically. My cycle has been all over the place due to breastfeeding too. DH is adamant I should have an abortion as he doesn’t want any more children and thinks we can’t financially afford to. I also had a high risk pregnancy and bled out at home. He still understandably has trauma from witnessing the haemorrhage, thinking he was watching me bleed to death.

He’s also worried about pissing off one of his other children, who takes offence to a lot of things. We’ve had to not do things like holidays or paint our house a certain colour because she won’t like it. She’s just started talking to him again after we moved house because she wanted us to stay in the old one as she liked it more. His first concern was that another new baby would cause her to stop speaking to him again.

I fell pregnant before our DC after we both decided we wanted a baby, then DH decided he didn’t want it and pushed me to terminate. It nearly broke us and I was set to leave (we weren’t married/engaged at that point) He eventually changed his mind and then it ended in a MC. So he does have priors at jumping straight to terminating. I found out recently he had a termination with his ex wife too 16yrs ago.

I’m not sure what I want to do, but I’m being rushed to decide immediately with emphasis on the correct decision being a termination. I keep swinging back and forth. I feel like I could cope with a termination, but then I feel overwhelming sense of guilt and I’m not 100%. Either way, it’s me who has to physically go through it, but I understand and appreciate his feelings and reasoning with this.

I’m just not sure what to do. I’m so emotional and overwhelmed. If I terminate, I might not be doing it for reasons that are right for me. I’d probably end up resenting him and it destroying our marriage. If I keep the baby, he’ll resent me and I’m forcing him to have a child he doesn’t want.

Has anyone been through something similar? Not sure if I’m looking for advice or just a sounding board

I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation. You have to do what is right for you. It sounds like the space away from him whilst he was away over the weekend has helped give you some clarity to the situation.
Have you had any meds for the sickness?

It’s an hour or so drive, so it’s not exactly far in the grand scheme of things. He chose to move an hour away from his older children a decade ago, but that’s ok but it was his choice to do so. But I’m not allowed to move closer to my support system. My life would be so much easier back in my home town. I’d get a job quickly due to connections and I could even look at getting back into my former career as I’d have a lot of childcare options. But he’d rather keep me here because he doesn’t want to only see DC once a week.

Thank you :)

I’d not really thought about a 2nd child, this was a complete shock. Being able to naturally conceive DC was a rarity. I think I might want another one day with the right person. I’m mid 30’s so may or may not have time. But my husband is definitely the wrong person.

I think he’ll try, but I can play nasty too. With his older children refusing contact and his history of drug use, I don’t think he’ll get very far.

Honestly, I'd just leave. I'd pack everything that is sentimental and go to your mum's on the guise that you need support during the termination. Id then get a job, register DC with GP, dentist and enrol into day care even if 2 days a week. I'd also apply for a child arrangement order immediately because he had PR and theirs no court order he doesn't have to return DC to you. If he wants to fight the move he can do that but I'd do everything to demonstrate a healthy, consistent routine and environment. It's an hour drive not outer Mongolia.

Do what you need to do for you. If you want to do this alone you can. If you don't want to that's OK too. But either way you know you need to get out of there.

May be horrible to suggest but if you were to decide that abortion was what you wanted, since he wants it so much, do you think if you said 'I'll abort if you let us move back to hometown' he'll go for it? Obv only if you were going to do it anyway.

He could get a prohibitive steps but if only an hour I don't know how successful that would be anyway.

@Annonnn24
Also want to add how brave you are and I'm glad you've got this thread to help you through whatever decision you make.

If I were you I'd probably take pregnancy a little further though bpas. Maybe get a nipt before and opt for a 12-14 wk surgical intervention. Only because you will know EVERYTHING about your pregnancy before you end it. It's incredibly tough I admire you're strength going through this and to put your dc first is absolutely what is best here I'm behind you

@Annonnn24 I was thinking about you today. How are you?

Thank you for thinking of me. I had the pre-surgical appointment today, booked in for next week. I’ve got a therapy session booked in ahead of it too as I need to make sure I’m making the right decision. I’m still all over the place, but have told my husband I want a divorced. He’s not happy about it at all and wants to try and fix things. I honestly don’t see how we can.

I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult time. It's really good that you booked the therapy session. I think talking it through with someone impartial will be really helpful for you.

Personally, I dont think the relationship is salvageable. I think your husband lacks a basic level of care and respect for you. IMO He is very self centered and doesn't take personal responsibility.

Not that long ago he was ending your relationship because you didn't want a termination and now, he's got his own way, he wants to fix things and be a family. He only wants you and his family on his terms. He also doesn't want to deal with any of the hard parts of being a dad or partner. He's not supportive when things are difficult. He doesn't do the nights with the baby. He wants the nice easy parts of a relationship/ family.

Wishing you the best over the coming days weeks and months.
It's rarely an easy decision but you deserve better than what your husband is giving you.

@Annonnn24 I'm thinking about you today.

Thanks all. Sorry for the slow replies, I’ve thrown myself into job hunting and interviewing so I can financially support myself and DC. I think I’m just going to aim to go back into my old career sector. Long hours, but I’ll be able to be completely financially independent again. Husband has decided to take himself to therapy as he is aware he’s got some serious issues and his own words “I honestly think I’m broken”. He’s also pushing for us to attend couples counselling. I’ve had therapy for myself and yet again, I’m undecided in regards to terminating. The surgical abortion is booked, so I’ll know on the day if I can go through with it. I’ve blanked him and his opinions out and just want to focus on co-parenting effectively. He’s at least stopped talking to me about my decisions and putting his point across.

I get people process things in different ways, but we were supposed to be a team and pull together.

I think being financially independent is a good call. At least you'll have a means to support yourself. Are you looking near your mum's or near him?

Unfortunately, I think the therapy and the “I honestly think I’m broken” comments are just another manipulation tactic. He seems to have lots of tactics and he is switching out looking for whatever is effective.

Remember he weeping that his life is over but then went off on a jolly full of the joys of spring. He wants a divorce. You've ruined his life. Then you've ruined the kids life forcing them to be brought up in separate homes. Then everyone will think he's a wanker. Now he's broken and wants couples counselling. He's just hoping something will resonant. You'll do what he wants, STFU and tow the line.

The lack of care he's shown you IMHO is unforgivable. Only you know if you can trust him again or want to continue a relationship.

Did he arrange the vasectomy in the end?

I agree with him, he is broken and doesn’t know how to deal with things when they get hard or when life throws a curve ball. I can’t and won’t fix him. He has a lifetime of trauma to process, which he should have dealt with a very long time ago. It does impact the way he responds to things. BUT we’re all carrying some sort of emotional damage and baggage but we learn how to process this and how to engage with other adults without being a damaging someone else.

I was apparently always the broken one, but he was the one who always needed ‘rescuing’

I’ll go to couples counselling if he sorts it, I won’t be taking that on. I doubt it will happen.

He’s apparently on a waiting list 🙄

I’m looking at both - I have the work connections around here and bigger salary, but the family connections back home. Keeping all options open

I’ve made the final decision to keep it. I just can’t and won’t go through with the termination. Speaking to a therapist made me realise I was still trying to talk myself into it. I was stuck in that way of thinking, trying to please him as I’ve always done without even realising what I was doing.

I’ve told him and he’s stormed out.

Not sure what I need to next. I think I have some time to get a job at least, because he won’t want to look bad to everyone else by making me leave immediately.

I’m so pleased you’ve made the decision that was right for you and not that asshole!
Take advantage of him not wanting to look unreasonable to get what you need from him!

Thank you. I’m going to speak to my mum this week about everything that’s been going on.

He’s come back in and is now refusing to speak to me as there’s nothing to say and he needs to process how his life is ruined. I’ve offered to leave and he’s said no, I’m not taking his child away from him as he has enough of his children that he’s not allowed to see anymore.

So I have to sit in the house with him, seething and refusing to speak to me at all.

Late to this thread but I just want to say that from what you have said you seem like a very strong, level headed woman who is handling this all admirably. Your "D"H sounds like a petulant child. Good for you for making the decision for yourself to continue with the pregnancy. For what it's worth I don't think your H will follow through his side on ending the relationship (he's just throwing a tantrum because he's not getting his own way) but that's neither here nor there given that his behaviour is pretty unforgivable. What I find depressing is that his reaction is not actually all that uncommon and judging by a few posts I've seen on here the last couple weeks there seems to be a propensity recently for men trying to coerce their partners into a termination. It's just awful that some men lack the basic humanity to support their pregnant partners.

Good luck OP, from your determination I think you're going to be just fine and things will work out for you. Congratulations on your pregnancy

Thank you for your kind message.

I thought with him being middle aged, he’d be more emotionally capable of handling life’s challenges. And also not giving me the silent treatment to punish me like a teenager who’s not been allowed to the park with his mates!

My mum is visiting this week so I’m going to tell her everything. She’ll hate him and won’t ever forgive him for doing this to me again. I might just let her loose on him haha

OP I am so glad you have made the decision you are comfortable with.

You have a lot more patience than me as I would have left him as soon as he started behaving the way he has been and probably lost my temper with him. Hopefully once your mum gets there things will improve a little.

No you don't. Your an adult. You can leave if you want. You don't have to put up with shitty behaviour.

Riot act. You will not be putting up with it. If he wants you to stay there will be zero moaning about him ruining your life. No refusing to speak like a petulant child. He can treat you with respect and be civil or you're leaving.

He’s just sat crying now with his back to me. Seriously cba. Tears are all for himself, as they’ve been throughout this. When I was crying begging him not to make me go through with this, he just stonewalled me.

What a cry baby, what a complete loser. Divorce him and thrive with your children

OP you are amazing. I sincerely hope you have a successful pregnancy and you get away from your husband. You are not the only one on here who had children with a total tool xx

What a dickhead! The way he is behaving, and how his mum is towards you sounds very toxic. No wonder his ex wife and two of his kids won’t speak to him. Moving back to your home town sounds sensible. Glad you have made a decision.