IVF or am I being rash?

[FakeMiddleton]

Hi All,

Trying to keep this succinct and would welcome thoughts on whether to just go for IVF now or chill out

• I'm 37, partner is 39;
• trying for 4 months, timed to ovulation:
• I've got loads of follicles, textbook uterus and hormone levels etc:
• he has 2% morphology albeit 5x reference range of sperm. Doctor has said IUI would be pointless and if we did do IVF, would have to be ICSI:
• I really don't want a summer baby which means being pregnant no later than early Sept;
• I'm also struggling to cope at work especially every time my period shows up and we are comfortable financially for me to never come back after mat leave. I detest my job and the toxic culture won't be changing;
• we would like two kids so can't hang around too long to get pregnant with the second;
• paying for IVF will not be an issue;
• we would also do genetic testing in IVF so that somewhat combats the risk of miscarriage if I were to get pregnant naturally this summer

Partner would prefer to try naturally for 3 more months and if no joy, straight to IVF in January. But he is cognisant of my feelings and is happy to do iVF now if it's what I want.

So, I guess it boils down to: chances of getting pregnant next three cycles

I'm just so desperate for a baby

Sorry OP but i think you've come off quite lightly on this thread.

There are people in this world that would do anything for a healthy baby they don't mind whether the baby is born in December, March, June or August. It is absolutely irrelevant.

The fact you are considering IVF to plan a non-summer baby is somewhat shocking. Babies cannot be planned like that. IVF does not guarantee success!

And to use a baby as an excuse to quit work? I am not going to comment on that.

I really think you need to reassess your priorities.

Let me get this straight - a healthy summer baby is 'taking what you can get'?!

I have no words.

Best of luck to you but your head needs a wobble.

OP you sound at the end of your tether. I get it but also it's quite upsetting to read. Does your DH understand the pressure you are under? Do you have anyone to talk to?

Most women would avoid IVF if they could. And having a summer baby really isn't so bad! My C section is on 27 August so I'll have the youngest baby in his class! You can defer and babies develop differently anyway. Your baby will be unique, not a statistic.

@FakeMiddleton Just bear in mind that you will be giving the clinic £££s for IVF, so they might be a bit biased in recommending it as the right course of action for you!

OP - caution on controlling timelines via IVF. I started IVF last May (so lined up well for a February baby) but OHSS, period delays and a traumatic miscarriage meant I actually transferred my current (successful - 29 weeks) pregnancy in November meaning an August baby! I found I had less control over timelines with IVF not more

I think we've all only given our stories to paint a realistic picture of IVF to help give a balanced view. I went in optimistically hoping it would work forst time however just a few reasons my IVF journey took 2 years: recovery between cycles, delayed periods due to all the drugs, cyst on ovary which needed to shrink (also down to drugs), unrelated unexpected health issue, lining issues (also unexpected), 3 early losses, one of which needed an op and no transferable embryos on one cycle. I think you are right to start considering it, and of course some people are successful sooner, but IVF is not to be taken lightly and adding further stress worrying about dates is perhaps unwise.

IVF is a gruelling and relentless process which will wear you down mentally and physically. We went through 2 cycles of IUIs, an egg collection, 10 eggs, 6 embryos, 2 that were viable, and one that became my daughter.

It's not for the faint hearted. And we had it fairly easy in comparison to other people.

Also read "It starts with the egg" for some really good advice.

“Take what I can get”..bloody hell. Your post is becoming more offensive to those who’ve had far worse fertility and miscarriage journeys than you have

Thank you for the empathetic post. It's really welcome in amongst those misconstruing what I've said about reasons for IVF and work.

I do have a therapist I see twice a week, but it's hard to talk about this with DH as he spends 14 hours a day at the office and is bad at big convos anyway. Plus, he's defensive I suspect because we've been told the problem lies with him and he takes on guilt very easily. I otherwise have nobody else (don't know anyone IRL who has done IVF or had any issues as they all conceived so quickly, and I'm not close with my parents), so I started this thread for some support when I'm getting closer and closer to the IVF start date. Honestly, this thread is now just adding to my distress and panic and guilty feelings so I'll ask for it to be taken down.

I'm very grateful to the posters who have contributed with advice, personal experiences and recommendations. But I've got enough of my own shit to be dealing with without having to deal with knee jerk reactions or people telling me how shit of a person I am.

Honestly, I deal with a DH who starts huffing and looking stressed two sentences into any convo about conception, effectively shutting it down and likewise now on here

And now I'll be told "ohhh well, maybe you should go sort out your communication issues before you bring a baby into this" and other ad hom or otherwise gleaned-from-nowhere assumptions

Only on MN is it someone's clearly in distress and some people need to have a pop because they read in things not there or otherwise decided to bring their own biases in.

Cue "well, if you're this emotional, you probs shouldn't have a baby" etc etc etc

It's really sad. There's some great posts on here that are helpful and informative that unless I screenshot amongst the personal attacks, I'll lose in having this taken down because it's more of a fucking stress today - first day back at work, calling round clinics. Brilliant. Drugs I can deal with, I've had plenty of invasive things done before, other people? Nah.

OP I didn't mean to cause upset, but I was offended by what you had written in your post, hence responding the way I did.

I wish you all the best on your journey.

I apologise to you Op if I caused any upset.

I get it

You age is a factor plus dh sperm

But

Ivf is a total minefield and headfuck

An emotional physical mental and also financial rollacoaster

You pay thousands and fails

It's awful

Oldies on here know it took me 10yrs ttc and 5 private ivf to get my one and only bfp !!!

The 4 failed before were awful

Heart breaks every time

I wanted to be a mum at 32/33 and ended up finally giving birth at almost 44

Mini blondes is now 7 and my whole world

I'm glad we carried on and still have think 3 left on the freezer from now 2016 but they will be donated to medical science as forever grateful and one child

Honestly the month they are born doesnt make any diff

I know a child who is the eldest born beg sept and tbh he struggles with the work

I know of 2 aug babies. One deferred for a year. Other sent to school at 4yr and think 3 days

Both are doing well

OP I don't think people are having a pop but it's a bit strange for someone who apparently desperately wants a baby to also fixate on not having a summer baby. There are statistical differences in academic achievement on a population level, but that really wouldn't even factor into most people's consideration at the age of 37. So people have responded to that with a bit of confusion, I think that's all.

Your partner has to be on board with the IVF OP.

You do sound a bit panicked - it reminds me of me at the beginning of my IVF journey. I was 36 then and trying for a year. We had IUIs and IVF with a double embryo transfer, only one stuck.

I reiterate IVF is not for the faint hearted - especially if you are unsupported. The amount of drugs and hormones you will be pumped with, alongside the heartaches and failures, it causes breakdowns in relationships and in your mental health.

Through my IVF I learnt that my eggs didn't fertilise because they were letting in too many sperm, which I later found out is likely an environmental cause - smoking, drinking, and the large number of microplastics in our food and cooking. We also had morphology and motility issues, again environmental, but sperm can change from sample to sample so we were recommended regular motility/ morphology tests. These changed dramatically when DH made some lifestyle changes. I am convinced that working on these things got me pregnant the second time, naturally, first week of trying.

Do check out the book 'it starts with the egg'. I swear by it and was recommended it by someone who swears by it.

Wishing you all the luck OP as you embark on this

@FakeMiddleton sending you lots of love. I won't repeat what others have said but I know how hard it is. Personally I would probably try naturally for a few more months but book in a date for when you will start so you know that it's happening. January sounds good as it suits your husband and fits your ideas re timing.

IVF is amazing for those who need it but if you are able to avoid it then I would. I did 9 cycles depending how you count it (some collections and some transfer cycles) and am very grateful for my 2 lovely kids. First one came relatively easily although it didn't feel it at the time (second cycle) and we even had 2 frozen for a sibling. But having our second was much harder. I was older than you tho!

You say you can afford it. So could we due to inheritance (sadly lost both of DPs parents) but I'm going to PM you how much it cost us. We could afford it in terms of actually paying the bills for which I am eternally grateful. But it has come at a cost of not having other things (sofas, holidays, cars, house renovations etc). Of course those things are things many can't afford anyway and I appreciate how lucky we are and constantly count my blessings we got the chance to have our kids when many others wouldn't. But my point is, the cost can be eye watering.

Someone else shared the emotional rollercoaster and I would second that. It's TTC ramped up.

Genetic testing sounds like it makes sense when you are thinking through logically (we did it for our second eventually). But actually it is very expensive, doesn't guarantee you a pregnancy and can risk damaging the embryos so it's not something most recommend unless you are older or have had multiple miscarriages/specific circumstances etc.

Best of luck. Feel free to ask me questions if you like.

Xxx

Are you a teacher OP?

Just wondering about your reluctance to have a summer born?

I’m a teacher and definitely didn’t want a summer born (even though I was) and I ended up with an August 28th! The ultimate summer born baby of the class.

I now don’t think it really matters if you are intentional with your parenting.

I can’t comment on IVF as have no experience which I know is very lucky.

To maybe help put the summer born thing into perspective my daughter’s class (year 4) has at least 7 Summer born (July/August) and none were behind in any way after KS1. In fact the 2 smartest kids are August and a July born. They also were also in foundation when the first Covid lockdowns hit so should be in a very disadvantaged position but none of the summer born children are below the usual expected standard at this stage and some way above. It’s my daughters birthday today so not summer born but on that younger stage in the school year and she isn’t in the slightest bit behind. I agree that mother’s input is massively important to education as there are autumn term babies who are a bit behind but they don’t have as much support at home. From what you say you’re smart so it shouldn’t matter.

I also have a 9 month old. She’s end of August born. I’m not concerned at all. I had 2 early losses in a row (was 37 for first and literally just turned 38 for second) then I got pregnant again the following month which resulted in my August baby. The comment about not yet having to take what you can get is actually very insulting. I didn’t “take what I could get” 😔 didn’t even cross my mind to stop trying certain cycles regardless of the losses.

Oh bless you OP, ttc is such a head fuck and I feel your pain.
IVF is worse though. The most wretched I've ever felt. We needed it for genetic reasons and so I never tried naturally and it was still horrific.
Things in my mind -

Its starts with the egg book is brilliant, but recommendations take time. Read it and put the applicable bits in motion. You'll need about 3 months. Then if you need IVF you'll be in good shape, and not as quite early on in your TTV journey.

Premature birth is not uncommon, and far more likely after ivf. Id say there is no point planning your dates to avoid summer when you cannot control every eventuality.

Sperm issues are great candidates for IVF

I get the appeal of genetic testing, we did it as the embryos were already being biopsied. It added to the stress in one way - more hurdles to jump through/more embryos lost. It didn't help make early pregnancy any less stressful and my mental health was shocking. My resulting child has a handful of medical issues that would never be picked up genetically and that could have been caused by IVF. I wouldn't do it again. Easy to say with hindsight.

I hope you make the right decision for you and you get your longed for baby

I highly recommend your other half get a sperm DNA fragmentation test. Look up Dr Ramsey - he's the best urologist and based in London. (Think it's called a comet test)

Basic semen tests are like telling someone the lorries are all driving straight but they don't check the contents of them.

Would recommend anyone have this test before IVF (or anyone that's been trying a while) as it can save you a lot of emotional and physical energy and you want to go into it with the best chances. If there's anything that can be improved he'll recommend which will improve IVF and natural success. There's so often a male factor at play that isn't discovered as all the focus is on the female and the male tests are very basic.

I can't remember the exact stats, but it's something like 80% get pregnant within 1yr of trying, 90% within 2yrs. Please try not to panic. Improve your lifestyle, stress / sleep / supplements etc and try to have a little enjoyment. Once you go down the medical route things become a lot less fun very quickly and there's no going back.

Wishing you all the best.

I also didn't want a summer baby, but after a few years I'd of done anything for one, so just have a little sensitivity that a lot of people don't get to choose when they have one, they're just insanely grateful if they manage to x

I think it's perfectly natural to have preferred months of the year to have a baby - I have actively avoided having a Christmas baby, all my friends who are round then said how awful it was and I'd rather just focus on Christmas! Maybe if I had been trying a year, I wouldn't have skipped 2 cycles but luckily it didn't come to that.

If you want to avoid August for now, do it! This is coming from an august baby who doesn't agree with anything you've said about it - I was also a high achiever and in top sets throughout, it didn't hold me back and I loved being in the summer holidays for my birthday! But I'm sure many people wouldn't agree with me about Christmas babies, so do what works for you.

I relate to losing your mind after 4 months, I think even after 1 I was impatient, but I'd try and hold out till 6 months before you really consider the IVF route.

Good luck! 😊

Fine. I’ll say it. Having a summer born baby is not a big deal. My IVF DC was due in June but born in April. They are a straight A student at one of the most selective private schools in the country, and aiming for Harvard before a career at the Bar.

Your feelings are your feelings, but should you be unfortunate enough to experience an unsuccessful round of IVF, I expect you will look back on this thread and wonder why you ever cared about timing.

Incidentally, for my first 2 rounds of IVF I took it easy and nearly went out of my mind. Third time lucky, I went to work as usual and popped out in my lunch hour for the embryo transfer then went back to my desk. Don’t under estimate the need to keep busy for your own sanity.

Sorry to hear your dc has medical issues

Tho how could ivf contribute to them ?

@Blondeshavemorefun (I always reads your name as Blonde Shave ☺️) They've a very rare syndrome linked to pregnancy conditions and affected at the point I was having bad hematoma bleeds - which are much more common in ivf. Obviously will never know for sure and I probably shouldn't scaremonger as it's impossibly rare, was just sharing my experience